


walking a tightrope with you

by of_feathers_and_bowstrings



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Angst, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Smut, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Slow Burn, Supernatural - Freeform, alternative universe, may contain triggering elements, reaper!shoma, slight yuzuvier, subtle but not so subtle takachida, will tag as we go along
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-04
Updated: 2019-06-03
Packaged: 2019-10-04 03:04:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 53,908
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17296535
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/of_feathers_and_bowstrings/pseuds/of_feathers_and_bowstrings
Summary: "No...not possible..." Shoma mutters under his breath, "Not fucking possible."Shoma has never failed a Collection in his entire existence as a Reaper. And he sure as hell has never had a newborn child fight him off before. It's impossible to fight Fate. No one can resist it. But Shoma's hands are trembling and he can sense the baby's heart growing steadily stronger. He stays rooted to his spot and watches the doctor hand over the baby to the new mother."Do you have a name for him?"The mother and father look at each other for a moment before nodding. The father moves to carefully caress the baby's wispy, black hair. "Yuzuru. Yuzuru Hanyu."





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> In which Shoma touches Yuzuru and nothing makes sense. 
> 
>  
> 
> Hi! Yumi, here! Trying my hand at another RPF, this time for Yuzusho! This will have multiple chapters but it remains to be seen how many exactly. I want to try to keep this on the shorter side but we'll see. Anyhoo, strap up and enjoy the ride. :)

 Shoma waits patiently at the back of the hospital room. He goes unnoticed by the busy nurses that flit about, tending to a woman currently in labor.  He watches the scene intently as the anxious, soon-to-be-father sits at the soon-to-be-mother’s side. The man's hand is grasped in a tight, bone-crushing grip. Shoma grimaces as the woman screeches. Despite him being around for literally a thousand years now, he’s never actually gotten over the trauma of witnessing childbirth.

“Last push, ready?” A doctor wearing blue scrubs stands at the foot of the bed. “Push!”

The woman lets out a loud wail before going limp, panting heavily and sweat drenching her flushed face. Her husband tends to her and gently wipes the sweat away with a towel. It’s quiet in the hospital room which would normally be filled with a child’s cries. Shoma steps away from the wall as the doctor gathers the tiny newborn against his chest. “Nurse, take him now!”

A nurse takes the baby away and quickly places him in a crib beneath a heat lamp. A small team of nurses then move in as they try to get the baby breathing.  

“What’s wrong? What’s happening?” The frantic father demands, clutching onto the doctor’s coat.

“He isn’t breathing. But we’re doing everything we can.” The doctor says, calmly.

The father’s face goes pale as he tries to get a better look at his child. Shoma strides forward, uncaring of the nurses that pass through him. He leans over to look at the newborn. It’s a wrinkly, tiny thing and it’s lips are blue. Shoma can sense it’s weak, fragile heart struggling to beat. He sighs. It’s never easy collecting a child’s soul but Fate is Fate and he must carry out his duties.

Shoma takes a deep breath and holds out his hand. As he hovers over the baby, a faint golden glow surrounds it, pulsing. Shoma reaches out and feels the familiar tingling sensation he usually does when he collects a soul. He feels the warmth the soul carries. Pure, innocent and filled with so much light. Shoma smiles, sadly.

_Such a shame...you have such light in you._

Everything goes as planned until Shoma’s fingers accidentally brush against the baby’s head.  Shoma flinches at the contact and the baby’s eyes open. Dark, dark eyes immediately zero in on him. Shoma goes absolutely still until the pleasant tingle turns into a burning, painful blaze that travels up his arm and ignites in his chest. He yelps and withdraws his hand, stumbling back. His eyes are wild, wide, as he stares at the baby.

“Wha-what the hell?”

Shoma backs away slowly until he’s out of the baby’s line of sight. And that’s when the baby starts screaming. Shoma vaguely hears the nurses say something about a miracle and the doctor starts reassuring the worried couple that everything is fine. Shoma doesn’t pay attention to any of it. His focus is on the child entirely.

“No...not possible…” Shoma mutters under his breath, “Not fucking possible.”

Shoma has never failed a Collection in his entire existence as a Reaper. And he sure as hell has never had a newborn child fight him off before. It’s impossible to fight Fate. No one can resist it. But Shoma’s hands are trembling and he can sense the baby’s heart growing steadily stronger. He stays rooted in his spot and watches the doctor hand over the baby to the new mother.

“Do you have a name for him?”

The mother and father look at each other for a moment before nodding. The father moves to carefully caress the baby’s wispy, black hair. “Yuzuru. Yuzuru Hanyu.”

Shoma shakes his head in disbelief. He doesn’t understand. He doesn’t get what went wrong. As Shoma retreats further into the shadows, the baby--Yuzuru’s eyes find him again and he reaches out his tiny hand. Shoma can feel his entire body vibrate. It doesn’t make sense.

He doesn’t break eye contact as he melts into the shadows.

\---

The Afterlife isn’t all that different from the mortal world. It’s an exact mirror of the mortal world, really. Just without all the chaos, pain, and misery. The souls generally go about their days waiting to be reborn. Reapers don’t dwell long amongst the souls. They’re simply there to do their jobs and return to the mortal world to await another Collection.

Shoma materializes out of the shadows and eyes a tall glass building in front of him. The main headquarters seem suddenly daunting. Within the Afterlife, various Spiritual Departments reside--The Reapers, The Guardians, The Fate Keepers, and the Higher Ups that no one ever sees but oversee all. Shoma’s never come back empty-handed like this before and he knows there are bound to be consequences. But he resigns himself to his fate and teleports inside.

There’s this annoying, insistent buzz in the back of his head that he’s trying to ignore but it only seems the increase the more he resists it. It darkens his mood as he knocks on the office door belonging to the Head Reaper. Behind the desk, sits a woman with long, wavy hair, dressed in a simple gray suit. She smiles at Shoma the way she always does when she sees him. “Shoma, I’ve been expecting you. Where is--”

“I failed.” Shoma cuts her off, his voice low and jaw clenched, “I couldn’t collect him. I’m sorry, Mihoko.”

Mihoko’s smile falls and she frowns. “What do you mean you couldn’t collect him?”

“He fought me when I touched him.”

“You...touched him?” Mihoko says, slowly. Shoma realizes, belatedly, that somehow he had touched Yuzuru. A human child. An impossibility. Reapers could not physically touch humans. At least, not until now.

“I...I don’t know how it happened. I was doing everything as I normally do and then I touched his head. He woke up and he could see me. I don’t know what I did wrong.”

Mihoko is silent for a moment. Shoma can see her thinking, contemplating. After another beat, Mihoko scoots her office chair back and rummages through her desk drawer. She pulls out a booklet and opens it up, revealing a page filled with names. Shoma recognizes the book. It’s a Collection book. It keeps track of every soul and it’s appointed collection time. Mihoko runs her fingers over the page until she comes across ‘Yuzuru Hanyu.’

“He’s right here. Assigned to Shoma Uno: Soul Collection on December seventh at…” Mihoko stops and stares down at the name as it begins to fade.

Shoma gasps, “Wh-what does that mean? Names don’t disappear from the list.”’

“I don’t know…”

“Mihoko, what do we do?” Shoma asks, helplessly. “Should I try again? Maybe send someone else?”

“We can’t go for another Collection, Shoma. You know this. Every soul has a specific time and date as designated by the Fates. His name is gone from this book. The only thing we can do now is file a report and send it to the Fate Division and possibly the Higher Ups.”

“The...Higher Ups…”

Mihoko points upwards. Shoma knows what she means. It makes him feel like passing out. It’s never a good thing reporting something like this to Them. Shoma is certain there’s never been a need to.

“Mihoko…” Shoma whimpers.

Mihoko leans forward and places her hands on Shoma’s shoulders. Shoma hangs his head. “There’s no telling what will happen with an unaccounted soul still going about. But there’s nothing that can be done now. We just have to wait.”

Shoma nods gravely and quickly exits the office. He doesn’t lift his head as he moves through the hall towards the doors. He opens them and finds himself back in the mortal world. He looks around and realizes that he’s teleported himself to a garden. There are beautiful, colorful, exotic flowers growing along a winding brick pathway. Shoma follows the path until he comes across a brilliant arch made of wisteria. Strands of purple and white flowers hang from above him. He walks until he comes across a bench and sits.

Streams of sunlight sneak through the gaps of the curtain of flowers and casts a warm glow around Shoma. For a moment, he relaxes, tilts his head back against the bench and closes his eyes. The buzzing is still there but it’s more like a soft hum now. Shoma’s small moment of tranquility gets interrupted when he feels someone nudge his foot. He opens his eyes and sees Itsuki standing in front of him. A brother of sorts and a fellow Reaper.

“So, word on the street is that a soul escaped you…” Itsuki trails off, raising a brow.

“He didn’t escape me. He fought me.”

“That’s not much of a difference.” Itsuki sits beside him, “What happened?”

Shoma shrugs. He really doesn’t have an answer.

“Well, I guess it’s true what they say. There’s definitely a first time for everything.  Sucks that it had to be you who’d experience this first.”

It does suck. But behind all the panic and uncertainty, deep down Shoma is kind of relieved he had a failed. “I never like collecting children. It’s always sad.”

“None of us like it but it is what it is.”

“I know. It’s just…”Shoma pauses, ruffles his hair and fixes his fringe, “I felt him. His soul. It was filled with so much good and light."

“A child’s soul is always pure. What about him was different?”

 _Everything and nothing._ Shoma thinks. It’s true, what Itsuki says. A child’s soul is always pure, always bright but this child--Yuzuru’s soul carried power.

“Shoma?”

“I don’t know how to explain it.” Shoma shakes his head. “I just...he felt different. He overwhelmed me. After I touched him, after he looked at me, there was this sudden heat. I felt like my entire body was on fire. Like I was being lit up from inside.”

“I can’t imagine what that feels like but it sounds intense.”

“It was.”

“What’s his name?”

“Yuzuru Hanyu.”

“Huh, a strong name, too.”

“I think I can still feel him.” Shoma touches his chest. He can still feel small electrical currents pulsing through him. It doesn’t hurt him but it makes him shudder.

“I’m sure there’s a reason why you couldn’t collect him. The Higher Ups must have something up Their sleeves or maybe They decided to change Their minds. Who knows.” Itsuki shrugs. “They run the show so everything is by Their design.”

“I suppose you’re right.”

“And, hey, it’ll be really interesting to see how he grows up, no?”

 Shoma stares at the blue sky through the gaps in the flowers and wonders.

* * *

 Shoma doesn’t exactly know how long it’s been. Time passes by so differently for spirits. But he's unexpectedly thrust back into Yuzuru's life. Yuzuru has grown a little, looks less sickly now and has the most squishiest cheeks. Shoma had been startled at first when he found himself standing in the middle of the Hanyu family’s living room. It hadn’t been in his control. For a while know, Shoma has felt this weird nagging sensation. He’d ignored it until it became unbearable and he gave in. And that’s how he ended up here.

Shoma blinks and looks around the living room. It isn’t very large and all the furniture is pushed back to make space in the middle, all sharp corners are taped and padded. Yuzuru, his mother, and sister are in the living room. A blue blanket is laid out on the floor. There are also various foam toys and plushies scattered all around. Shoma is just standing there, watching, confused, and mildly curious. Yuzuru is dressed in a bright, yellow Winnie-the-Pooh onesie, complete with a hood with Pooh ears.

Yuzuru’s mother scoots away from Yuzuru and claps her hands. “Come to mommy, Yuzu. Come to mommy!”

Shoma stares in fascination and amusement as Yuzuru shakily pushes himself up a little and starts hobbling forward. It’s cute and awkward that way he kinda waddles like a penguin. Shoma kneels behind Yuzuru’s mother but doesn’t move any closer. Yuzuru pauses, tilts his head at Shoma before smiling and giggling, suddenly. Yuzuru looks a little more at ease now and starts walking quickly towards Shoma.

_‘So, you really can see me, huh…’_

Shoma holds his breath and reaches out a hand. He wonders if he can touch Yuzuru again or if the first time was a fluke. Yuzuru reaches out his own hand but before they can make contact, his mother scoops him up.

“Where are you going, silly Yuzu?” She chuckles and boops Yuzuru’s nose. Yuzuru squirms and giggles in delight.

Shoma feels his heart swell in his chest. If only she knew how precious a gift she’s been given. How lucky she is that Shoma failed. The Fates haven’t gotten back to them yet but at the moment, Shoma feels relieved. It’s a beautiful thing to hear Yuzuru’s laugh and to see his gummy smile. He continues to watch as Yuzuru’s mother places him down in the playpen. She hands Yuzuru a stuffed Pooh and calls Saya to help her in the kitchen with something. Shoma is at Yuzuru’s side as soon as they leave. Yuzuru beams up at him and babbles.

Shoma doesn’t understand Yuzuru’s baby-talk but it warms something inside of him all the same. He lowers himself to sit cross-legged on the floor beside the playpen. Yuzuru imitates him and holds out his Pooh.

“Pooh!”

“Hello, Sir Pooh. My name is Shoma. It’s very nice to meet you.” Shoma smiles and shakes the furry paw.

Yuzuru giggles. He’s an absolutely delightful, joyful child and Shoma can’t help the fondness he feels. “Shoom! Shoom!”

God, if Shoma didn’t already feel like his heart was ready to burst, he really did now. He’s never felt like this about another human being but it makes him feel light and good. _Yuzuru_ makes him feel light and good.

“My name is Shoma. Can you say Shoma?”

“Shoom!”

Shoma laughs, “No, no. Shoma. Sho-ma!”

“Shoom!”

Shoma sighs in defeat and rests his head against the edge of the playpen. “Okay, fine. I’m Shoom.”

Yuzuru giggles again and claps, jostling around his Pooh. Shoma is content to just sit and listen to Yuzuru’s crazy babble when there’s this sudden spark of curiosity in Yuzuru’s eyes. Shoma swallows. He doesn’t move, just watches intently as Yuzuru stands up and reaches out his hand. Shoma’s breath hitches as Yuzuru’s fingers softly brush against his bangs.Yuzuru smiles sunnily at him and plops back down. He resumes playing with his Pooh and continues his weird babble without a care or notice of Shoma’s turmoil.

It’s not long before Shoma’s called away for duty. He stands, his legs and hands trembling and takes a step away from Yuzuru. Yuzuru looks up at him, probably wondering where he’s going.

“I have to go now. Good-bye, Yuzu.”

Yuzuru immediately drops his Pooh and starts grabbing for him, whining. The tears are already beginning to well up in his eyes. And no, no Shoma does _not_ want to see Yuzuru cry. “I’m sorry. I have to go. Be a good boy, okay? I’ll come back.”

Shoma doesn’t know how true that statement is. He isn’t sure if he’ll see Yuzuru again or _when_. Yuzuru doesn’t seem to understand and his whimpers turn into sobs, alerting his mother in the kitchen who rushes out to pick him up.

“What’s wrong, love? What’s wrong?” She bounces Yuzuru gently, trying to soothe him.

Shoma bites his lip as he retreats. He pretends it doesn’t hurt when he turns away, trying to block out Yuzuru's cries. 

* * *

 

Much to Shoma’s surprise, he sees Yuzuru more often than not now. And that’s only because he’s finally figured out what the buzzing means. It appears Yuzuru has the ability to Call for Shoma in the same way humans do their Guardians. Normally, this wouldn’t be an issue except Shoma is not Yuzuru’s Guardian. At least, he doesn’t think he is; unless he got a promotion without being told. It doesn’t make much sense considering he’s still collecting souls.

Shoma came to his realization when he’d felt a soft hum resonating in the back of his head. It relaxed him and he’d surrendered himself to the feeling. Next thing he knew, he was in the Hanyu’s kitchen watching them celebrate Yuzuru’s first birthday. Shoma had been careful. He’d made sure to stay within the shadows, made sure Yuzuru couldn’t see him. It was a moment for family and Shoma’s not Yuzuru’s family.

But he’d watched contentedly as Yuzuru blew out his candles on his birthday cake decorated in strawberries. Shoma discovered that Yuzuru really loves strawberries and anything red. Shoma hadn’t lingered long after and whisked himself away to some place quiet and without people.

Since then, Shoma has been there for almost everything. Answering the Call despite knowing that he probably shouldn’t. He knows he’s spoiling Yuzuru even if Yuzuru doesn’t even know. Or at least, he tries to keep his distance. But sometimes Shoma can’t help but indulge the strange but adorable little human. He’s there when Yuzuru calls him to watch as he and sister blow bubbles during the summertime. He’s there when Yuzuru calls him the first time he goes ‘potty’ by himself. He’s there when Yuzuru steps on the ice for the first time, hanging onto his sister’s coat.

Shoma is there for every small and big moment in between and with every moment, Shoma grows a little more attached and it gets a harder to leave. He’s helpless to stop this bond growing between them. Sometimes, though, if Shoma is busy with Collections, he tends to ignore the calls, reasoning there’ll be next time and it’s probably just Yuzuru wanting to show him a bug or something. He admits that he quite likes the warm tingles.

However, this time is different. As Shoma is working on collecting the soul of an elderly lady, he feels frantic, intense, bolts of electricity shoot up his spine that nearly knock him out. He’s left gasping as he braces himself against the wall. His body is wracked with small spasms as the electricity flows through him and only seems to increase. Shoma closes his eyes and when he opens them again he finds that he’s no longer in the cold hospital room. It registers in his fuzzy mind that he’s in Yuzuru’s room. It’s nighttime and something’s not right. He jumps when he hears the sound of harsh coughing and wheezing. Shoma whips around and finds Yuzuru lying in bed, his lips turning blue and chest heaving.

 _Asthma attack,_ his mind supplies. Yuzuru had been diagnosed at two. 

Shit.

Shoma’s just on the brink of a panic attack himself when Yuzuru’s parents come rushing into the room. Shoma has never felt so helpless as he watches Yuzuru’s mother call emergency services and he just wants to do _something_. But more than anything, he wants to be able to comfort Yuzuru. He stays with them as they take an ambulance to the hospital. The paramedics treat Yuzuru on the way and get his breathing stabilized. It’s a relief when the terrible coughing stops. Yuzuru’s still wheezing but it doesn’t sound like he’s close to death anymore.

Shoma sits on a chair in the corner of room while Yuzuru’s father and mother sit on the side of the bed, holding onto Yuzuru’s hand. A nurse comes in to check on Yuzuru’s vitals and to let the couple know to call if they need anything else. Shoma feels like throwing up because he hates seeing Yuzuru like this. He hates it because Yuzuru doesn’t deserve this. The rational part of his brain reasons that no one deserves this but it’s _Yuzuru_ , a child who’s fought for his life since birth. Shoma wonders if this is some sort of consequence for being an unaccounted soul.

Eventually, Yuzuru’s parents both makes themselves comfortable for their stay overnight and fall asleep. Shoma gets up to move his chair closer to the bed. Yuzuru seems so fragile to Shoma now. Without thinking, Shoma raises his hand to touch Yuzuru’s cheek but frowns when his fingers go through him. He pulls his hand back and feels his chest constrict.

Why can’t he touch Yuzuru now? How could Yuzuru touch him before? There are so many questions swirling inside his head and no answers to any of them. Shoma’s used to not knowing a lot of things and he’s okay with not being able to understand some things sometimes but this time, he wants to understand. He wants to figure out what the hell all of this means if only for Yuzuru’s sake.

Shoma groans and collapses against the bed, burying his face in the sheets. He nearly leaps out of his chair when he feels something brush against his hair. He lifts his head to meet Yuzuru’s eyes. Shoma automatically sits up straighter and the two spend a good ten seconds just staring at each other until Yuzuru speaks in a soft, hoarse voice. “You here.”

“Yes, yes I’m here.” Shoma whispers.

“Miss you. Miss Shoom.”

_I missed you, too._

“Go back to sleep, Yuzu. You need your rest.”

Yuzuru shakes his head stubbornly.

“If I sleep, you leave. Don’t want Shoom to leave.”

Shoma feels his throat tighten. It’s now a dangerous thing for Yuzuru to be able to speak a little more coherently now. It was easier when Yuzuru could only babble and Shoma didn’t understand a word he was saying. He understands this now and it hurts, it hurts, _it hurts_.

“I’m not going to leave you.”

 _You liar_.

“You promise?” Yuzuru untangles his arm from the sheets and holds out his pinkie. It’s such a childish thing but it holds so, so much and Shoma feels his lungs turn to lead.

Shoma stares at the pinkie. He doesn’t get how these rules work or how Yuzuru can randomly touch him while Shoma is unable to. But he reaches out anyway. 

“Promise.”

Shoma hooks his pinkie with Yuzuru’s and tiny needles pierce his heart. Yuzuru doesn’t stay awake much longer after that. He looks so relaxed now, the shadow of a smile playing on his lips. Shoma stays. He’s not sure how long it’s been or what time it is exactly but it’s still dark outside so he deduces that it must be early morning.

“So, this is where you ran off to.”

Shoma stiffens at the voice and looks up to find Itsuki standing at the entrance of the room. Shoma immediately goes on the defense and moves to stand in front of Yuzuru. “What are you doing here?” He asks, looking back and forth between Itsuki and Yuzuru, uneasily.

“Relax.” Itsuki holds up his hands placatingly, “I’m not here to Collect him. He isn’t due. As far as we know, his name hasn’t reappeared in the book.”

Shoma watches warily as Itsuki steps further into the room to stand at the foot of the bed. “So, this is your human? What’s he in for?”

“Asthma attack.”

“Poor kid.”

“Why are you here, Itsuki?”

“You left in the middle of a Collection.” Itsuki looks at him seriously.

Shoma grimaces.

“You didn’t drop the soul off and left her in Limbo. Luckily, I managed to pick her up and take her back before anything terrible happened. Then you would’ve been responsible for _two_ Collections gone wrong.”

“I’m sorry.” Shoma looks down in shame.

“Mihoko isn’t happy. She wants to talk to you.”

Shoma flinches. It’s always awful whenever Mihoko is upset with him. She’s always so kind and understanding when it comes to Shoma. She’s like a mother to him. To know he’s disappointed her makes him feel awful and yet—

“I can’t leave.”

“Why not?” Itsuki frowns.

“I promised Yuzuru I wouldn’t leave him.”

“You did what?”

“I made a pinkie promise. I promised him I would not leave him.” Shoma can feel his eyes sting and can hear his voice tremble.

“Shoma..."

“ _I will not leave him._ ”

Itsuki sighs and looks at him sadly, “You have to. You don’t belong in his world. There’s no place for you.”

 _But he wants me here…_ Shoma wants to protest but he knows deep in his heart that Itsuki is right. He has no place in Yuzuru’s world. He shouldn’t be clinging onto Yuzuru like this, letting Yuzuru cling to him. Yuzuru is human and Shoma is not. They belong in two different worlds that were never meant to collide in the first place.  

Shoma stiffens at an insistent and incessant chiming in his head. It’s not Yuzuru’s Call. It’s been a while since he’s felt this and it’s never been quite to this degree. It’s a Recall. Shoma feels like he's being forcefully pulled away.

“Wait, wait…not yet. I can’t—“

“You can’t stay here, Shoma. I’m so sorry.” Itsuki looks at him pitifully.

“No, no, no...” Shoma chants. It seems to wake Yuzuru up and _no, no, no, please_.

“Shoom?”

Shoma can feel his eyes begin to sting and his vision blur as he backs away. He wants so badly to stay, to erase the growing terror in Yuzuru’s eyes. He wants to tell Yuzuru that he’ll be back and this won’t be forever. But his throat is too tight and he can’t get the words out.

“You leaving!” Yuzuru accuses, “You promised! You promised stay!”

 _Fuck,_ Shoma turns to Itsuki for help only to find that he’s already gone. Yuzuru’s parents begin to stir at the sounds of their son’s cries. Shoma looks down at himself to see himself beginning to fade.

“Yuzuru? Yuzuru, what’s wrong?” Yuzuru’s mother asks, wiping away Yuzuru’s tears, desperately trying to understand his outburst.

“Shoom! Shoom!”

Shoma feels like he’s being ripped apart. A few nurses rush into the room to help get Yuzuru under control. He won’t stop squirming and crying. It’s as Shoma’s near gone that he hears it. Splitting through the air and stabbing straight through his heart.

“Shoma!”

Shoma feels it like a punch to the gut and is powerless to stop himself from being swept away. Away from Yuzuru. His legs give out and he collapses to his knees in front of Mihoko’s office.

He’s unable to stop it as a terrible, heartbreaking, scream finally tears from his throat.

 


	2. Chapter2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Tatsuki has theories, Daisuke is an enabler, and Shoma tries to keep his distance but is helpless against Yuzuru's gravitational pull. 
> 
>  
> 
> WARNING: This chapter contains depictions of the 3/11 earthquake and tsunami.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, everyone! 
> 
> Glad to be able to post this earlier than I thought. I was (luckily) on a roll and needed to write while I had the inspiration. No promises on the third chapter being posted so soon but hopefully you won't have to wait too long. 
> 
> This chapter turned out much longer than I had anticipated but Yuzuru and Shoma would't shut up, so here we are at like 6k.
> 
> Hope you enjoy! :)

It takes a long time for Mihoko to calm him down but she manages to talk him down from an impending panic attack. Shoma feels as if someone had sucked the air out of his lungs and tore him open, leaving him raw and bloody. His head is pounding and he can’t get Yuzuru’s voice out of his head.

_‘Shoma!’_

It reverberates inside his skull and only deepens the pain, only twists the knife further. Mihoko is patient and doesn’t start asking questions right away. She lets him gather himself together in her office and calmly waits for him to speak. Shoma knows he doesn’t deserve her patience with how he’s been lately but he’s thankful regardless. Shoma presses a hand against his chest, feels a dull hum there and breathes.

He can still feel Yuzuru.

Mihoko hands him a tissue and Shoma thanks her before blowing his nose and wiping his tears. It’s embarrassing to sit in front of Mihoko like this. He isn’t a child. He’s a thousand-year-old Reaper and he isn’t supposed to let emotions get in the way of his duties.

“Are you ready to talk or do you need more time?” Mihoko gently touches Shoma’s hand. “I was going to scold you but it can wait.”

Shoma shakes his head.

“Very well,” Mihoko nods and pulls her hand away, “I don’t know what exactly is going on with you lately but it’s obvious you’ve become very distracted. As such, your job as a Reader has suffered.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I know you are. But sorry isn’t going to fix this, Shoma. You have responsibilities. Your place is not among the living. You are there to collect souls and bring them here. You do not belong to Yuzuru.”

Shoma winces. He knows that. Of course he knows that. But he also knows he’s incapable of separating himself from Yuzuru.

“Itsuki told me briefly about what happened. I didn’t mean to cause you such pain and distress, Shoma. But it was the only way to reach you.”

“I know.” Shoma mumbles. “I didn’t mean to cause any trouble and I didn’t mean for things to get so out of hand. But you don’t know what it’s like. I can’t just ignore him like he’s any other human. I can’t ignore him when he Calls for me—“

“He Calls for you?” Mihoko interrupts and Shoma snaps his jaw shut. “You’ve never mentioned that before.”

“Oh,” Shoma smiles sheepishly, avoiding looking Mihoko in the eyes. He’s in a heap of trouble. “I haven’t?”

“No. Is there anything else you wish to tell me, Shoma?”

Shoma worries his bottom lip, debating if he should tell Mihoko but he figures there’s no point in keeping anything a secret. Shoma’s already in deep shit. He can’t possibly get any deeper, right?

“Well, Yuzuru can…touch me.”

“He can _touch_ you?”

“But I can’t touch him. I’ve tried. It hasn’t worked. But somehow he can touch me.” Shoma glances up and sees her about to speak but quickly intervenes, “and before you ask, I don’t know how it’s possible either. It’s just one of the many mysteries surrounding Yuzuru.”

Mihoko sighs and rubs her temples. Shoma deflates in his chair. He regrets causing Mihoko so much stress but Yuzuru makes things difficult. It doesn’t help that everything supposedly impossible is suddenly possible where Yuzuru is involved. How the brat does it, Shoma has no idea. Yuzuru creates miracles somehow. Or rather, he _is_ a miracle himself.

Shoma’s just about as stressed as Mihoko is.

“This is a big deal, Shoma.”

“I know it’s impossible and unlikely, but do you think maybe I could become his Guardian? I mean, I’m already playing the part, right? Maybe the Higher Ups made a mistake and I was meant to be his Guardian? Not Collect him?”

“If that were the case, you wouldn’t be working this division. And I would have been contacted immediately by Tatsuki for a change in Fate plans.” Mihoko sighs, “But I suppose I can talk to Daisuke about the Guardian thing.”

Shoma’s eyes widen. He’s only crossed paths with the Head Guardian on very few occasions but he’d been kind to Shoma whenever they would meet. Shoma had looked up to Daisuke after hearing fascinating tales from fellow Reapers and Guardians about his grand adventures in the mortal world. He was a legend of sorts and _oh, shit. Mihoko is calling Daisuke._

“…thank you, Daisuke. We’ll see you soon.”

Mihoko hangs up the phone and in the next instant the room is engulfed in bright, shimmering light. Shoma squints and rubs his eyes as the light dies down. There, sitting casually in the chair next to him is Daisuke Takahashi.

“You Guardians and your flashy entrances.” Mihoko shakes her head.

Daisuke flashes her a dazzling smile, “Courtesy of one Tatsuki Machida. He suggested it, of course. He thought simply popping in and out was too boring. Frankly, he was right. It’s much more fun.”

“Of course. Never underestimate Tatsuki.”

Daisuke’s smile widens. “Indeed. Now, what am I here for and why does little Shoma look like he’s going to pass out?”

Shoma releases the breath he didn’t even know he was holding and feels his cheeks burn. He didn’t mean to appear so starstruck. Mihoko clears her throat, drawing attention away from shoma. “I called you because we have a small problem.”

“Oh?”

Mihoko pulls out a black folder from her desk. Shoma recognizes it as Yuzuru’s file. She hands it to Daisuke who takes it with an inquisitive look. He asks no further questions as he scans through the file. He looks increasingly more troubled as he leafs through the report and Shoma’s starting to feel uncomfortable, playing with his fingers and tapping his foot.

“Mihoko, this is more than just a ‘small problem.’” Daisuke closes the folder and places it back on the desk. “But this isn’t my area of expertise.”

“Shoma’s recently told me that Yuzuru is able to Call for him. If there’s any chance that perhaps Shoma is Yuzuru’s Guardian then—“

“No.” Daisuke cuts in. Shoma’s stomach drops. “It’s not possible. I would know. Every Guardian is listed in my book. Shoma’s name is not in it. And neither is Yuzuru’s for that matter.”

“He’s not in the book at all?” Shoma frowns. “But every soul is accounted—“

“Every soul that is _meant to exist_.” Daisuke corrects. “Yuzuru was never assigned a Guardian because he was never meant to even take his first breath. The Higher Ups never bothered to give him one.”

“But he’s alive _now_. Shouldn’t he be in it? Shouldn’t he get one?”

“It’s not so simple, I’m afraid.” Daisuke says, sadly. “I wish it were so, Shoma. I would love nothing more than for you to join me and become one of my Guardians. I wish that could be your easy fix but these things have a process. At birth, every soul is assigned a Fate Keeper to monitor their path, a Guardian to guide them, and a Reaper to Collect them once their time is up. Yuzuru’s plan was supposed to start and end with you.”

“What does that mean for him then? If he doesn’t have a plan, then…where does that leave him?”

Daisuke shakes his head, “I don’t know. Tatsuki is much better at explaining these things than I am. He hasn’t gotten back to you about the situation?”

“No.” Mihoko sighs. “He apparently has some researching to do. He can’t give a definitive answer until he collects all the facts. He’s unsure of what’s to come.”

“Really? Even _Tatsuki_ doesn’t know what to makes of this soul? Huh…” Daisuke looks contemplative for a few moments before he sits up. “I apologize I can’t be of further assistance. I sincerely wish I could do something but it is out of my hands.”

“It’s okay. Thank you for taking the time to meet with us, Daisuke.”

Daisuke bows and Shoma quickly gets up from his chair to bow back. Daisuke wiggles his fingers in a silent goodbye before shimmering out of the room. Shoma sinks back against his chair, feeling drained and tired. Mihoko puts Yuzuru’s folder away.

“I was hoping he’d be our answer.” Mihoko says quietly, “Now, back to scolding you…”

Shoma sits up straighter and nods along solemnly as Mihoko lectures him.

* * *

 

Tatsuki’s office is dark when Daisuke pops in. Daisuke marvels at the millions of twinkling stars that float around the office. They sparkle as if in greeting as he steps further into the room. Tatsuki is sitting at his desk in the back of the room, his chalkboard behind him. His desk is piled high with books, scrolls, and papers. The only light in the room comes from a small lamp sitting on top of the desk.

“Dai,” Tatsuki greets him without looking up from his book, “always a pleasure seeing you.”

“Always a pleasure visiting.”

Daisuke walks up to Tatsuki’s desk and sits on the edge of it. There are stars falling and bursting, turning into stardust. His eyes flicker over the stars, searching. Tatsuki clears his throat, turns the page of his book and points upwards.

Daisuke looks up and sees a tiny but bright star floating high up near the ceiling. So far away from the other clusters of stars. “Mihoko says you don’t have any answers.” He says, quietly.

“I don’t.”

“That’s a first for you.” Daisuke raises a brow, his eyes alight and teasing. Tatsuki rolls his eyes.

“I don’t hold all the answers to the universe, Daisuke. And I certainly don’t have an answer regarding the soul of Yuzuru Hanyu.” Tatsuki closes his book and leans back to look at the lone star. “His soul does as it pleases. I’ve tried mapping out a few constellations for him, a few paths but he ended up cutting straight through them.”

“From what I’ve gathered from Mihoko’s report, it seems he has a knack for ruining plans.”

“He’s unpredictable and that makes him dangerous. He’s only a child and yet has this much control over his own fate.”

Tatsuki doesn’t look too upset. Rather, he looks more thoughtful. Daisuke can see the gears turning. There’s a subtle hint of annoyance in his eyes and Daisuke has to restrain a giggle.

“I can keep track of every single soul in here. Except his.” Tatsuki leans over his desk and rests his chin on his hands. “As soon as I turn my back, he disappears and I end having to search for him. He’s never in the place I left him and he shows up only when I’ve stopped searching.”

Daisuke watches as the star shoots off, out of sight. Tatsuki scoffs before muttering under his breath,“And there he goes again.”

“What does this mean for him, Macchi? Surely you must have some idea? Theories? Anything?”

Tatsuki gets up and walks around his desk to sit beside Daisuke. “I have theories, yes. None of them are concrete. The Higher Ups haven’t been much help. I haven’t heard from them in a while so I’ve been doing my own thing. Experimenting.”

Daisuke hums and starts swinging his legs back and forth. Tatsuki nudges him with his leg and gives him a warning glare. Daisuke laughs and stops.They sit in comfortable silence watching the stars move and flicker. Daisuke keeps looking for Yuzuru’s star but it’s useless. He lets the silence remain for a second more before picking up the conversation again.

“I know Yuzuru is the one in question but what of our little Shoma? He seems to be a rather significant piece in this grand puzzle.”

“I have theories regarding Shoma but I don’t want to say anything until I know for certain. I don’t want to give him false hope.”

Daisuke looks at him curiously. Tatsuki doesn’t explain any further, choosing to look at the stars instead. Daisuke can tell he’s searching again just like he was, despite knowing it’s futile.

“What is there to even hope for? His fate is sealed. He is a Reaper and his duty is to the dead.”

“True. Shoma is a being of fate. However,” Tatsuki turns to Daisuke, his eyes bubbling with barely concealed excitement and something else Daisuke can’t name, “Yuzuru is not. He isn’t bound by a singular fate the way we are. The way Shoma is.  Humans are beings of free will. And it is quite amazing what humans choose to do with that, don’t you think?”

Daisuke stares at Tatsuki suspiciously. He doesn’t know what’s going on that chaotic head of his. Tatsuki can be difficult to decipher sometimes. Especially in moments like these. Daisuke feels like he’s supposed to catch onto something but he doesn’t have a clue.

“I don’t understand.” Daisuke admits.

Tatsuki shrugs, “Perhaps there is nothing to understand just yet.”

Daisuke’s about to make a comment when he hears multiple chimes going off in his head.  He slips off the desk and stretches exaggeratedly. Tatsuki snickers behind him. Daisuke flashes him a grin. “Back to work?”

“Hm, back to work.” Tatsuki hops off the desk, and goes back to settle in his chair, “Off you go, Guardian.”

Daisuke salutes him and makes his way to the door. He’s just about to exit when a familiar star suddenly appears in front of him. He turns back, “Tatsuki…“

“Hm?”

Daisuke’s just about to inform Tatsuki about the star when it shoots up and away once more. He shakes his head. “He’s a brat, isn’t he?”

Tatsuki just laughs and Daisuke bids him a final farewell before leaving.

* * *

 

Shoma’s days are dull and monotonous. He’s been trying to focus all his time and energy into his duties as he should be. He ventures to the mortal world, collects his souls, checks them in, and returns to the mortal world to relax until his next collection. Wash, rinse, repeat.

The thing is, Shoma’s been doing this for literally centuries and yet he’d never actually minded it before. It was simply something he did with no real attachment or feeling towards it. It wasn’t painfully _boring_ like was now. It was as if someone had drained all the color away from the world and Shoma was left with the faded grays and whites.

He still feels Yuzuru call for him. That’s the one thing that never changes. Yuzuru is calling for him constantly these days but Shoma doesn’t answer them. Not like before. He can’t afford to answer them like before. He’s caused enough distress to Mihoko and he doesn’t need to be giving her more of a headache. Shoma had promised her he’d be more focused and he was not about to break that promise for one stubborn little human.

Days pass and the calls become less frequent.  They’re barely there. Small little hums in the back of Shoma’s head. Eventually, the calls stop. There’s nothing but radio silence now but Shoma takes comfort in the warmth that still lingers in his chest. Yuzuru may have stopped calling him and Shoma may not see him anymore but he’s still there within Shoma.

  
  


Shoma’s relaxing on a grassy hill when a shadow falls over him. He nearly leaps out of his skin when he sees that it’s Daisuke. He’s dressed in traditional cream colored robes and he waves sunnily before taking a seat on the grass. Shoma sits up, his eyes wide, “Wh-what are you doing here?”

“Guardians need their rest, too, you know?”

“Oh.” Shoma blushes. How insensitive of him. Of course Guardians need their rest. Duh! Of course Daisuke is just—

“Your human is very amusing.”

Shoma stills.

“He’s grown now. In case you were wondering. He’s all long limbs and has the fluffiest hair.”

Shoma shuts his eyes and ignores the ache in his chest. It’s been so long since he’s seen Yuzuru, _years_ apparently. He wonders how Yuzuru looks now. If his cheeks are still squishy and rosy. If his eyes still carry that gentle balance of ice and fire.

“He’s got a naughty streak. Loves to cause mischief, the little brat.”

“In other words, he hasn’t changed a bit.”

“I suppose not.”

Shoma smiles, fondly.

“There is something else…” Daisuke’s tone softens. Shoma frowns, noting the sadness in Daisuke’s voice. “It appears his parents took him to a child psychologist.”

“Oh?”

“They’ve convinced him that you’re not real.”

Shoma takes a moment to let that sink in. That would explain the lack of calls from Yuzuru. He’s stopped believing in Shoma.

“They’ve convinced him that you were a product of stress and trauma. His mind created you as a coping mechanism and that you were more or less an illusion created to help him cope.”

“Oh.” Shoma makes a punched out noise. He feels his breath leave him and Shoma tries to squash the feelings threatening to rise to the surface. This should be a good thing. Yuzuru should forget Shoma and move on. He should be able to live a normal life and Shoma isn't ideal for a normal life.  

“I’m sorry, Shoma.”

“What’s there to be sorry about?” Shoma laughs, wetly. “This is good. Yuzuru will forget me and live the way he’s supposed to. He doesn’t need me fucking up his life more than I already have.”

 _Fuck, fuck, fuck_ …Shoma is _not_ crying. He hurriedly wipes his face with his sleeves and takes deep steadying breaths. Daisuke places a hand on his shoulder. “I know you don’t truly believe that.”

 _It doesn’t matter what I believe_. Shoma thinks bitterly.

“I didn’t come here to break your heart, Shoma.” Daisuke pulls out something wrapped in cloth from behind his back. “I came to deliver you a present.”

“What is it?”

Daisuke sets the gift in Shoma’s lap. Shoma lifts it up. It’s small, light, and circular. Shoma tentatively opens the cloth and his eyes nearly budge out of their sockets at the gift. On his lap is a beautiful gold compact mirror with diamonds embedded on the front to look like stars. Shoma knows what this is but he doesn’t understand why Daisuke is giving this to him.

“Daisuke, this is—this—I can’t— _you_ can’t—“

Daisuke waves him off. “Don’t freak out so much. It’s just a small thing.”

“Just a small thing?” Shoma’s voice raises in pitch, “Isn’t this against the rules? This isn’t meant for Reapers!”

“Shoma—“

“Aren’t you breaking about a hundred rules right now?”

“Probably.” Daisuke shrugs casually and Shoma pales. “But what’s a few more broken rules at this point?”

“I promise Mihoko I’d be good.”

“And you are being good. This is just a way to check on him without having to physically be there. Don’t you want to see him?”

“Why are you doing this?” Shoma whispers, horribly confused and conflicted.

“Because I believe that you are part of something bigger than you can comprehend. Perhaps even bigger than any of us can even begin to understand.”

“What do you mean?”

Daisuke looks up at the sky, “I talked to Tatsuki. He’s very intrigued by your human. I don’t exactly know what he was getting at but he was talking about free will and it seemed like he was onto something.”

Shoma’s getting more confused as Daisuke goes on and the mirror in his hands is only getting heavier. Daisuke pauses in his explanations and picks the mirror up. “Look, the point is, just because you cannot be near him, doesn’t mean you have to shut him out entirely. I know that’s not what you want.”

“It doesn’t matter what I want. I’m not even supposed to have wants!”

“And yet you do.” Daisuke opens the mirror and places it in Shoma’s hand, “I know how much you want to see him. With this, you can.”

Shoma holds the mirror closer and wipes at the glass with his thumb. Soon, an image of Yuzuru appears. His heart clenches in his chest. Daisuke is right. Yuzuru’s hair is fluffier than Shoma remembers. His cheeks aren’t as chubby as they were before but still have that slight pinkish hue. He’s dressed in a light blue long-sleeved outfit decorated in sequins. It appears he’s won a skating competition.

Shoma remembers an awkward, floppy Yuzuru that first stepped onto the ice. He’d been an adorable little thing trying to keep balance on shaky legs. Despite his struggles, Yuzuru looked so happy on the ice. That was the last bright memory Shoma had of Yuzuru. It was overwhelming to see him now, grown and actually _winning_ a competition. He wonders how many other competitions Yuzuru has won. How many has Shoma missed?

It hurts watching him but at the same time Shoma can’t deny how happy it makes him just seeing Yuzuru, knowing he exists. Knowing he’s out there somewhere smiling and achieving great things.

“Thank you, Daisuke. This is really—“ Shoma trails off when he notices that Daisuke is gone. He makes a mental note to thank Daisuke properly later. For the time being, he falls back against the grass and continues to watch as Yuzuru happily skates his victory lap, the Japanese flag bared proudly. Shoma engraves that image of Yuzuru smiling in his head and closes the mirror. His heart feels full and the world is suddenly saturated in color.

 

It’s a daily thing for Shoma now. In between collections, Shoma finds some place quiet and private to hide away to check up on Yuzuru. He’s a bright ball of energy these days and is apparently set to compete at the senior level. Shoma can’t help the swell of pride he feels watching Yuzuru do so well. It’s an amazing thing watching him soar higher and higher. He wishes he could pop in and congratulate Yuzuru personally but he’s certain Yuzuru must’ve long since forgotten him by now. And it wouldn’t do much good to appear in his life after all this time and especially not when Yuzuru is making such progress in the world. He doesn’t need Shoma interfering. Shoma is not that selfish.

Shoma watches Yuzuru get awarded his very first silver medal at a senior competition and whispers a congratulations.

* * *

 

Shoma is taking a leisure stroll through a park when a hot searing pain shoots up his spine. He stumbles to his knees and tries to gather his breath. He blinks and then suddenly he’s on ice and the ground his shaking. He lifts his head at the sound of screams and panicked shouts.  He quickly searches for the one person who must’ve called him here and finds Yuzuru scrambling to get off the shattering ice.

_Fuck._

A large piece of the ceiling collapses right where Yuzuru had once stood. Shoma gets up and staggers forward. The walls are beginning to crack and all the skates have been knocked to the ground. There is glass and rubble everywhere. Shoma runs outside. 

It is absolute chaos outside.

There are people running around and screaming. Buildings are collapsing as the very earth beneath their feet is splitting apart and crumbling. There are alarms going off and Shoma loses Yuzuru in the sea of people desperately trying to get away from the falling buildings. He can still feel heat pulsing through him, can still feel Yuzuru screaming for him. Shoma realizes then that it’s very possible that Yuzuru doesn’t even know he’s doing it and it’s really just a subconscious thing.

Eventually, Shoma finds him. Yuzuru is with his sister now and they’re hugging and Yuzuru is crying. Shoma stops a good distance away and exhales. He doesn’t need to be here. Yuzuru has Saya. He can still get away before Yuzuru notices—

As if sensing his thoughts, Yuzuru lifts his head from his sister’s shoulder and locks eyes with Shoma. His eyes widen and time stops. Yuzuru's lips part, Shoma's name on the tip of his tongue. Shoma snaps out of and allows hims to get lost as a crowd of people swarm around him. He uses that as his chance to escape. He teleports to the beach and immediately notices how much the water has receded. There are fish flopping about on the sand and the reef is completely visible.

 _Oh no…_ Shoma looks towards the horizon and sees large waves heading rapidly towards shore. His last thoughts are of Yuzuru as he’s pulled away for his duties.

 

* * *

 

It is hell. Absolute hell. Shoma’s been around for many disasters and it never gets easier. The damage is severe and the dead litter the streets, washed away by the tsunami or crushed by crumbling buildings. Shoma’s heart breaks as he collects the souls of various victims. He takes extra care in making sure their transition to the Afterlife is as smooth as possible. He comforts the souls as they mourn and cry out for their loved ones.

Shoma feels like he’s been working for hours but he doesn’t stop. He can’t stop. Every time the ground shakes, he feels like throwing up. As horrible as many disasters have been in the past, he’s never felt this sick. Maybe it’s because of his connection to Yuzuru and the fact that he can’t go to him now. He knows Yuzuru is alive because he can still sense him but he can also feel how utterly terrified Yuzuru is. And that only serves to amplify whatever Shoma’s feeling.

By the time Shoma is finished with his tasks, he is _exhausted_. He’s never had to work so hard in his entire existence. Between collecting souls, making sure they’re safe, and making sure Yuzuru is safe, Shoma feels about ready to keel over. He didn’t think it was possible to feel so tired. He’s never felt this tired. But he’s also never carried so much before.

Mihoko congratulates him on a job well done and sends him off to relax, with the promise that there would be no other collections for a while. Shoma bows and lets his shoulders sag in relief as he exits the office. His limbs feel heavy and he can barely keep his eyes open as he trudges through the office like a zombie. Feeling much too lazy to venture back to the mortal world, Shoma finds a bench in the lobby.

He flops down and throws his arm over his eyes. His head is pounding and he just wants to kind of melt into the bench and become a permanent blob. Shoma’s mind wanders and he lets himself relax. He’s about on the edge of falling asleep when he hears it. A small, faint, timid call.

_Shoma._

Shoma feels a sudden shift. He’s standing upright now and it’s cold. He wraps his arms around himself and opens his heavy eyelids. It’s so dark and there isn’t much light but Shoma can at least make out what seems to be in some sort of courtyard. As his eyes adjust to the darkness, Shoma finally deduces that he’s at a school.

“It’s you.”

The voice startles Shoma. He yelps and turns around to find Yuzuru staring at him. He’s bundled up in a puffy black sweater and scarf. In Shoma’s sleepy, half-delirious state, he’s almost tempted to do something stupid like claim that this is all a dream and a figment of Yuzuru’s imagination but the look in Yuzuru’s eyes tells him that it’s probably best not to.

“It’s me.” Shoma says, lamely.

Yuzuru shakes his head and touches his forehead, “You are real, right? I mean, I’ve always thought you were real but they were trying so hard to convince me you weren’t.”

“You believed them.”

“Well, it was either convince them that I believe them or get put into a psychiatric ward. And I can’t skate if I get placed in a loony bin.”

Shoma snorts, “ _That_ is your concern? Whether you can skate or not?”

“Of course. It’s my life. Or at least,” Yuzuru’s face twists into a painful grimace, “it was my life.”

Shoma can sense the creeping fear and anxiety making its way back into Yuzuru’s heart. He gets it. Natural disasters like this are always traumatic especially for someone so young and still fighting to find his place in the world. For Yuzuru to have his life uprooted like this is painful. “It doesn’t have to be the end. You can still fight.”

Shoma doesn’t get a response to that. Instead, Yuzuru shrugs and sits on the concrete. He waves at the space next to him, inviting Shoma to join him. Shoma debates with himself for a good two seconds, wondering if maybe he should just take his leave now before the conversation can get any deeper but Yuzuru looks so vulnerable. His eyes are huge, guileless, and pleading.

 _I am so fucked_.

Shoma huffs and takes a seat beside Yuzuru. Yuzuru seems pleased now, offering a small smile. They gaze up at the starlit night sky. Without the pollution of city lights, the night sky comes to life in brilliant swirl of dazzling stars. Everything is calm now despite the chaos earlier. It’s hard to believe anything bad happened at all.

“Is it selfish of me to want to escape? I just…” Yuzuru’s voice trembles, “I just want to fly. Am I selfish for wanting that?”

Shoma glances at Yuzuru but Yuzuru is still looking at the sky. Shoma sees the universe reflected in Yuzuru’s eyes. They are depthless, seeking, and shining with so much promise.

Shoma licks his dry lips, “Perhaps it is selfish but humans are prone to selfishness from time to time. And I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting to fly.”

_I wish for you to soar as high as you wish._

"I feel like a sinner for wanting to skate while there are much bigger issues at hand. But skating makes me feel so  _alive_." Yuzuru closes his eyes, a small gust of wind blows, ruffling his hair. "There are so many that died while I am alive and selfishly wanting to skate."

Yuzuru opens his eyes and looks at Shoma, desperately pleading with his gaze for Shoma to have an answer. Shoma doesn't have an answer. He's not sure what he can say to ease Yuzuru's heart.  _If_ he can say anything that will ease Yuzuru's guilt. The disaster is still fresh and the wounds are still open and bleeding. 

"I think that it's natural to want these things. I don't think you're wrong for having the thoughts you do or feeling the things you feel. It's like you said, skating is part of your life. It's a part of who you are."

"But what about everyone else? What about those who couldn't escape? What about everyone that lost their lives? I-I'm alive and-"

"Yes, you are alive." Shoma stops Yuzuru before he starts spiraling. "And I think that in itself is a wonderful, beautiful thing. I know you feel guilty and I know that you're hurting but don't let the thoughts of the dead keep you from living. If skating is what makes you feel alive, then  _do it_."

_Don't ever stop living, Yuzuru._

Yuzuru bites his lips and turns away. Shoma doesn't say anything more. He doesn't need to. There is a lull in the conversation now. Yuzuru sniffs and sobs quietly beside Shoma. Shoma is trying to keep himself in check. It wouldn't do very well if both of them turned into emotional wrecks. Yuzuru wipes his face and sighs, softly. 

"Skating makes me feel like I'm flying. It's a wonderful feeling." Yuzuru says, wistfully, "Can you fly?"

Shoma shakes his head. “No. Definitely not.”

“I always thought that angels could fly. I mean they’re always depicted with these great, big white wings. Guess that’s just a myth, huh?”

“Huh?”

“That’s what you are, right? Like a Guardian Angel or something?”

 _Oh, so that’s where we’re at._ Yuzuru thinks Shoma’s an angel. It’s not a far off theory but it is the wrong one. He has half a mind to tell Yuzuru the truth but when he looks at Yuzuru and sees the light return in his eyes, he’s left mute. There are tear stains on his cheek and he wishes he could wipe them away. He can’t tell Yuzuru the truth. Not now when he’s at his most vulnerable. He doesn’t need heartbreak right now. He needs hope. Shoma wants to give Yuzuru all the hope in the world, even if it’s fleeting. Even if it’s a lie.

“Something like that…” Shoma mutters.

Yuzuru visibly perks up. “Are you mine?”

 _No_.

“Yes.”

Yuzuru giggles suddenly and brings his knees closer to his chest as he sways side to side. He looks like an excited child who got exactly what they wanted for Christmas. Shoma smiles back helplessly because what else can he do when Yuzuru looks at him like he’s given him world? But a frown, quickly replaces the smile. “But wait, I remember, you left me. When I was four and I had to go to the hospital. You promised you wouldn’t leave but you did.”

Shoma winces, “Right. About that…”

_What other lies are you feeding him?_

“I got called back. I couldn’t stay with you.”

“Called back?”

Shoma points upwards. “You know, _back_. Back to where I’m from.”

“Oh.” Yuzuru purses his lips and tilts his head, thinking. “But why were you called back?”

“Important matters that I, unfortunately, can’t discuss with you.”

_Smooth, Shoma. Smooth…_

“I tried calling for you after that but you never came.” Yuzuru pouted, “Were you hiding?”

Shoma rolls his eyes but he can’t stop his hands from shaking as he combs them through his hair. “I couldn’t stay. I had to give you your space so that you could grow. It wouldn’t have been fair if you grew too attached to me. You had to learn to stand on your own.”

_And you did. You’ve built yourself up and I know you’ll only continue to grow._

“You weren’t supposed to see me in the first place…” Shoma mumbles but Yuzuru catches him and looks at him curiously.

“I’m not? Then why can I?”

Shoma shrugs, “I don’t know. You’re weird.”

“Hey!”

Yuzuru reaches out to punch Shoma’s shoulder lightly. Shoma doesn’t even mind the mild pain. He reaches up and touches where Yuzuru hit him. Yuzuru can still touch him it seems. Yuzuru’s smile falls again and he furrows his brows. “You’ve got that look on your face. Have I done something wrong?”

Shoma shakes his head immediately. “No, no. You’ve done nothing wrong. It’s just—well, you’re not supposed to be able to touch me either. Humans aren’t supposed to be able to touch, see, or hear us. But you can do all three.”

“So, I’m special then?”

Yuzuru looks smug. Shoma glares at him playfully. “Don’t give me that smile. You don’t know how much trouble you are! You give us all headaches!”

Yuzuru laughs it off like a joke. Shoma is feeling _so done_ with him. Things were much easier when Yuzuru could barely form coherent sentences. He’s much more of a headache to deal with like this. But as Shoma watches Yuzuru laugh and smile that bright carefree smile, he thinks that it’s worth it.

It’s a startling thing for Shoma to realize just the extent he’s willing to go to just for this silly human boy. He’d attempt to make the world stop if Yuzuru so much as asked him to. If only to keep that smile on his face. Shoma knows very well that this can only end in one way and that he’s signed himself up for a world of hurt and heartbreak but it’s all worth it.

Yuzuru is worth it.  

Yuzuru quiets down after that. His cheeks are even more rosy now and even in the dim light Shoma can see the pink spreading on the tip of Yuzuru’s nose.  Yuzuru lays his head on his knees and stares at Shoma. “I really did miss you, you know?”

_I missed you, too._

“You know,” Shoma starts, “just because you can’t see someone doesn’t mean that they’re not with you anymore. If you keep them close to your heart, they never truly go away. They may not be by your side physically but they exist. Just in a different way.”

Yuzuru blows raspberries at him but Shoma can see the moisture gathering in his eyes again. “That was so cheesy.”

Yes, Shoma knows it was cheesy and he honestly can’t believe such cliche, cheesy words even left his mouth but he needs Yuzuru to know. Even if in the lamest way possible, that Shoma has not abandoned him, that he is and will always be with Yuzuru.

_How much bullshit can you spew in one day huh?_

But he can't stop now. His mouth is still moving and words are pouring out. 

“You are never as alone as you think you might be. You have people by your side, Yuzu. Always.” Shoma’s just adding fuel to the fire but he can’t help himself. “And even if you can’t see me, even if I don’t pop in all the time, you need to know that you are never fighting alone. I will always be fighting by your side.”

_So much for keeping your distance, Shoma. So much for Yuzuru forgetting everything. Now he’ll never forget._

_Selfish. You are selfish. What happened to not being selfish?_

Shoma's probably gone against his better judgement and himself many times by now. But like Daisuke said, what's a few more? He really shouldn't have let Daisuke enable him this much.

Yuzuru’s crying again. There are more tears rolling down his cheeks and Shoma wants to reach out and wipe them away but he’s gotten close enough for one day. It’s time to take a step back. He sees Yuzuru move to touch him and quickly stands up, putting some distance between them.  Yuzuru’s eyes dim and Shoma’s stomach coils.

“I have to go.”

Shoma starts backing away. Yuzuru gets up and quickly grabs Shoma’s hand before he can make his escape. Shoma stares at Yuzuru’s fingers wrapped tightly around his wrist.

“I get scared when you leave.” Yuzuru’s voice breaks. “I know you said you’ll be here even if you’re not actually here but I still get scared that maybe they’re right. I want you to be more than an illusion.”

“Yuzuru…”

“Promise me that I’ll see you again.”

_I can’t._

“I promise.”

Yuzuru takes off one of his special beaded bracelets and slips one over Shoma’s hand. He pats the bracelet, his eyes suddenly filled with fire. “Now you have to keep your promise this time.”

Shoma touches the glass beads and feels the weight of them. He looks Yuzuru straight in the eyes, “So, you’ve outgrown pinkie promises, then?” 

That's the last thing he needs right now. 

Yuzuru whines. “Don’t make fun. I’m trying to be serious!”

Shoma knows. He's just trying to make things light again. This heavy atmosphere is weighing too heavily on his heart and he's afraid he might get crushed.  “Go inside. It’s getting colder. Last thing we need is you getting hypothermia.”

“I’m going, I’m going.”  Yuzuru grumbles and then takes a couple steps forward. Shoma doesn’t bother moving back. He’s trapped in Yuzuru’s orbit. His heart beats faster as Yuzuru gets closer. It’s a little infuriating that Yuzuru is taller than Shoma so Shoma has to look up instead of down but he has no time to be annoyed over it because in the next second Yuzuru’s fingers are slowly, timidly stroking down Shoma’s cheek. "This is the only way I can be certain that you're real."

Yuzuru’s fingers leave burning trails in their wake and Shoma trembles. It only lasts for half a second and then Yuzuru is pulling his hand away.

“Good night, Shoma.”

Shoma stands there, speechless as Yuzuru retreats back inside. Shoma’s legs feel like jelly and he can feel panic bubbling beneath the surface because this is not good. This is definitely _not good_.

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which there are changes; both good and bad. Shoma makes choices and Tatsuki delivers a warning. 
> 
>  Ooof! Oh boy! This chapter kind of got out of hand. The characters decided they wanted to take control of the plot and well, here we are at 7k! This chapter has knives I didn't plan on using but I hope ya'll don't kill me! 
> 
> Enjoy! :)

“Have you always been an angel?”

Shoma’s sitting at Yuzuru’s desk, watching him struggle to stuff some clothes into an overly packed suitcase. Yuzuru’s been invited to a variety of ice shows over the summer. They’re set to begin soon and Shoma can feel Yuzuru’s excitement grow with each passing day.

It’s been a month since the disaster. Yuzuru and his family moved back to their home not longer after the disaster. They returned back to a house mostly intact. There are cracks and scars in the drywall that make it impossible to forget what happened. But life goes on.

Shoma’s visits since then have been frequent. Not every day, but a few times a week between collections. He doesn’t let his duties get away from him. On the contrary, he’s been working very hard, ensuring that Mihoko has no reason to scold him again. He reasons that because he’s been good, he deserves a reward. The reward  being Yuzuru’s smile whenever he sees him. It never gets old seeing the relieved, delighted smile Yuzuru greets him with every single time.

“I’ve been this way for as long as I can remember.” Shoma says, honestly. “I don’t really remember much of the beginning. I just know that I’ve been doing this for a very long time.”

“Do you think you’ve ever been human?”

“It’s possible I was once.” Shoma shrugs. He doesn’t really think about these things. These kinds of thoughts have never been important nor have they bothered him. He’s always sort of just carried on with a casual indifference with no true sense of attachment to his job. He’d been content with situation. He’d never questioned his existence. At least, until now. “If I was human, I have no memory of it.”

“Do you not get to keep your memories?” Yuzuru gives up on trying to close his suitcase and sits on top of it.

“No. Once you pass over, your memories get left behind.” Shoma pauses, wondering if he should be telling Yuzuru these things. But at this point, he’s already disclosed so many secrets. What’s a few more, really?

_Daisuke has ruined me…_

“Souls generally don’t remember anything once they’ve crossed over. It makes it easier to move on to the next life. Without memories, there’s nothing anchoring them to the past. No regrets. No grief.”

“I guess that makes sense.” Yuzuru puffs out his cheek, poking it with his finger. “It just seems sad not to remember anything.”

“If you can’t remember anything there’s really nothing to be sad about.”

“But you forget all the good things! The happy feelings. I can’t imagine forgetting the happy things.”

Shoma supposes it’s quite sad to forget the good memories. But memories are too powerful to remain with human souls. Memories bind. If there’s no memory of the things that make souls want to remain, then there’s no problem. No hinderances. They can be free.

“So, when the time comes for me, I won’t remember you?” Yuzuru asks, quietly.

Shoma throat clicks as he swallows. “No.”

“Well, that sucks!” Yuzuru pouts, blowing a strand of hair out of his eyes. “What if I _want_ to remember you?”

“Knowing you, you’d probably become the one soul that can retain memories.” Shoma rolls his eyes.

“Because I’m special!” Yuzuru puffs his chest out proudly.

“A nightmare is more like it.”

“You’re a mean angel. I thought angels were supposed to be nice?” Yuzuru throws a pillow at Shoma’s head, which he catches with ease.

The corner of Shoma’s mouth twitches as he hugs the pillow to his chest. He wonders how long he can keep up this lie. This false image of an angel he’s created. He agonizes over how devastated Yuzuru will be once he finds out the truth. At the same time, he doesn’t want to think about any of that now. He wants to live in the moment, in the present with Yuzuru. It’s a strange thing for him to be so calm now when he was going mad not too long ago. It’s both frightening and exciting how much Yuzuru has changed him. Shoma’s never felt so alive.

He chuckles inwardly at the irony.

“Even if you’re a little mean, I don’t want to ever forget you, Shoma.” Yuzuru whispers, so quietly Shoma’s barely able to pick up the question he asks next, “Will you remember me?”

_Always. As if I could ever forget you._

Shoma doesn’t answer. He doesn’t have the courage to. Instead, he pretends not to hear it and decides to change the conversation. “Come on, let’s get that suitcase closed and then time for bed.”

Eventually, they manage to get the suitcase closed. Yuzuru puts all his weight on top of it, lying on it, while Shoma forces the zipper closed. It’s a real struggle but it gets done. Shoma huffs as he steps back to smoothen out the wrinkles of his black robes. “There we go. Now, you’re all set.”

“We make a good team.” Yuzuru smiles.

“Yeah, I guess we do.”Shoma feels warmth blooming in his chest, spreading to his fingertips and his toes. “Now, time for bed for the human.”

Shoma ushers Yuzuru into bed. Yuzuru looks up at him with that sad, kicked puppy expression he usually pulls whenever Shoma leaves. For a split second, Shoma debates about giving in and staying a little longer but decides against it.

“Don’t give me that look. You need your sleep, Yuzu.”

“I don’t like sleeping. It’s always dark. Everything shakes and—“ Yuzuru chokes up.

The nightmares never quite stop or go away. Shoma’s been there for most of them, summoned by Yuzuru’s subconscious crying out for him. It breaks Shoma’s heart to see Yuzuru so visibly distraught while asleep. Trapped in a nightmare where everything is falling apart around him. Shoma can’t do anything to help him though, but offer his presence. He can’t touch Yuzuru. He can’t rub his back or run a soothing hand through Yuzuru’s hair. Shoma can’t protect Yuzuru from his nightmares.

With a heavy sigh, Shoma kneels at the side of Yuzuru’s bed. He hovers a hand above Yuzuru’s head; not enough to touch but enough for Yuzuru to get the implication. “It won’t always be like this. It’ll get easier.”

“I just hate it. I feel so scared and—“

“I know. But I’m here, okay? I told you before, remember? I’m here. Always.”

Yuzuru nods, wiping at his eyes with his baggy sleeves. He reaches out to curl his fingers around Shoma’s. “You’re always watching over me, right?”

“Right.”

And that’s the one truth Shoma will always swear to.

* * *

 

The next time Shoma sees Yuzuru is a few weeks after Yuzuru’s first senior Worlds. Even then, Yuzuru is still buzzing with the excitement of being the new Worlds bronze medalist. He’s like an excited, hyperactive puppy as he greets Shoma, jumping off the walls and rambling a hundred words per minute. Shoma eventually loses track of Yuzuru’s rapid fire speaking and sits on his bed, content to watch Yuzuru flail around happily.

The warmth in his chest returns. He swears he can feel every fiber of Yuzuru’s being vibrating with life. It’s a wonderful, light feeling that makes Shoma think it’s possible after all for him to sprout wings. Finally releasing all pent up energy, Yuzuru collapses on the bed beside Shoma, breathing hard.

“Did the rush finally pass?” Shoma smiles, amused.

Yuzuru grins. “Never! But my body disagrees with me! I need to get much stronger and build up my stamina!”

“Why? So you can have more energy to annoy people?”

Yuzuru sticks his tongue out. Shoma laughs at his childishness. There’s this fuzzy, fluffy atmosphere lingering around them and Shoma feels so at ease being here. It’s a feeling he’s never experienced before. Being a Reaper means not really having a home. You belong to a group of beings that are like you but you just sort of drift with them because they’re the same. That’s how it’s always been for Shoma. Until now. For the first time in his long, long existence, Shoma feels like he’s found a home. A place he _wants_ to return to.

“I didn’t ask before but did you watch me then? At Worlds?” Yuzuru’s voice has gone soft, a bit shy. His eyes are downcast and there’s red spreading in his cheeks.

It’s adorable.

“I did. You were incredible. Like a little firecracker.”

“I can’t believe I fell during the step sequence!” Yuzuru groans, burying his face in his pillow. “I jumped all my jumps without falling and then when things were going so well, I fell! It was so embarrassing!”

“But you got up and finished like a star. And the fall was fitting for the theme anyway. Romeo just died a little early.”

Yuzuru whines. “It wasn’t a choreographic element! It was a mistake—“

“Which you bounced back from and won a medal. At your very first senior Worlds. Isn’t that what’s important?”

“It is. I’m happy about it but I really wanted to deliver a perfect performance. Not just for myself but for Sendai. For everyone at home.” Yuzuru picks at a loose thread on his pillow.

“I’m sure they’re proud of you.”

“When I was skating, I thought about them. About fighting for them. I wanted them to see. Give them hope and show them that their support isn’t wasted. That my life isn’t wasted on this dream.”

“I’m certain it reached them.

_They probably look at you as if you were holding up the earth itself._

“You really think so?”

“I do.” Shoma says, sincerely. “If nothing else, it reached me.”

Yuzuru’s lips part with a silent gasp. They soon tug upwards into a blinding smile. Yuzuru’s eyes look like they’ve captured the stars in the sky. “You mean it?”

“I do. I understand your heart very well, Yuzu.” Shoma smiles, lying down beside him. “You fight so hard for everyone. There’s no way they wouldn’t notice.”

_I know your heart bleeds for them, aches for them. I feel it so strongly in your soul. You are powerful and strong. Anyone would be blind not to notice._

Yuzuru curls closer towards Shoma, face inches away from Shoma’s. Shoma closes his eyes and breathes with Yuzuru.

“Thank you.” Yuzuru murmurs. “I’ve been talking to Nanami-sensei and some JSF people. They think I should train abroad.”

Shoma opens his eyes. Yuzuru’s are still closed, but his brows are furrowed in worry. Shoma reaches out unthinkingly to smooth them out but his fingers slip through Yuzuru entirely. He clicks his tongue in frustration. He still hasn’t figured out how this works. Why this is so one-sided where touch is concerned.

 _Because you can’t. Because he isn’t yours to be touched_. Something whispers in the back of his mind.

“Where are you thinking of going?”

Yuzuru shrugs. “I don’t know. I might have some idea. But I’ll have to consider the choices they gave me.”

“Well, whatever you choose, I’m sure you’ll do wonderfully there.”

Yuzuru giggles his eyes flashes fluttering as he opens his eyes. “You say such nice things sometimes. Guess you aren’t a complete ass all the time.”

“I do have my moments.”

“You’re pretty cool, I guess.”

Shoma snorts, “Thanks.”

They quiet down after that. They spend time just looking at each other. Shoma takes the opportunity to go over Yuzuru’s features. He’s lost some of his baby fat; his cheeks not as squishy as they used to be. They’re still soft, adorable even, but Yuzuru’s definitely grown. He’s slowly transitioning away from boyhood to that of a young man. Shoma’s glad he’s able to witness it all. Yuzuru is growing so beautifully.

“Shoma?”

“Hm?” Shoma’s eyes flicker back to Yuzuru’s.

“Do you really think I’ll be okay?”

“I do.”

“How do you know?”

“Because you’re Yuzuru Hanyu.”

Yuzuru frowns. “What does that even mean? I am me, yes. But how does that tell you I’ll be okay? What if it turns out to be a mistake? What if it turns out I’m not good enough and I fall and—”

“Hey, you said it yourself. You’re _you”_ Shoma smiles, fondly. “You’re brave and strong. Anywhere you go, no matter what you, no matter how the odds stack against you, you’ll always thrive because that’s who you are. Even if you’re stuck in the thickest mud, you’ll still bloom. Like a lotus blossom.”

“A lotus blossom? What does _that_ mean?”

Shoma chuckles and sits up. “That’s going to be your homework for next time.”

“You’re leaving already?”

“I think I’ve overstayed, really. I’ll be back again another day.”

Yuzuru sighs and nods. “Okay. Until next time.”

Shoma stands from the bed and takes a couple steps away. Yuzuru sits up, watching him with a faint smile on his lips as he waves.

“Don’t forget about the lotus!”

“I won’t!”

Good. Good night, Yuzu.”

“Good night, Shoma.”

Shoma whisks himself away to return to his duties. The following collections are simple, non strenuous. There’s never much of a hassle when it comes to the elderly who tend to welcome him like an old friend when it’s their time, like their souls know their place is elsewhere. After dropping the last soul off, Shoma ventures back to the mortal world where it’s just before sunrise. He doesn’t return to Yuzuru but chooses to visit a garden. He scans the pond in the middle, searching. He walks to the edge of it. It’s surface is covered in large, circular green leaves. The water is dark and murky.

Shoma walks along the edge of the pond until he finds what he’s looking for. There, submerged beneath the surface of the water is a small bud. He’s arrived just in time. Shoma sits as the sun begins to rise, painting the sky a vibrant orange and pink. As the light touches the pond, the bud emerges from the muck, blooming into a beautiful, pure white lotus.

* * *

 

Shoma finds Yuzuru pacing around his room the next time they meet. Yuzuru is so lost in though that he doesn’t even appear to notice Shoma’s arrived. Shoma doesn’t mind though. He sits on Yuzuru’s bed, legs crossed as he waits for Yuzuru to settle.

Yuzuru keeps muttering under his breath, pausing every so often to wring his hands. He looks anxious, which causes Shoma to frown in concern. He can’t help but speak up. “Are you okay?”

Yuzuru nearly jumps out of his skin and yelps. “Shoma! How long have you been sitting there?”

“Just got here. You were so lost in thought, I didn’t want to disturb you.”

“Oh.” Yuzuru blushes. “Sorry. I’m a little worried.’

“About what?”

“I finally chose where I want to go. And I talked to the coach and everything.”

“Where did you choose?”

“Toronto, Canada.”

“That’s quite far from home. But I know you’ll be okay.”

Yuzuru smiles. “Thanks. Brian was pretty nice. But he says he needs to talk to Javier first before I can come.”

“Javier?”

“Javier Fernandez. He’s from Spain. He trains in Toronto, too. And-and he has the most _beautiful_ quad Salchow!” Yuzuru goes starry-eyed. “I really hope he says yes. I really want that Sal.”

“Ah, I see. So, you’re flying half way across the world to steal some poor soul’s quad? How evil of you.” Shoma shakes his head in mock shame. “Poor guy. And here I thought you were a good boy.”

“Hey! I am good!” Yuzuru pouts. “I also just happen to want his Salchow. It’s so big! Huge!” Yuzuru makes exaggerated sweeping motions with his arms. “I need it. So, I really, _really_ hope he accepts me.”

“I’m sure he will. And then you’ll steal his jump and—‘

“Shomaaa!” Yuzuru whines, throwing himself onto his bed, pitifully.

Shoma laughs at his expense. There’s nothing more fun than teasing Yuzuru. He always has the most hilarious reactions. Shoma can’t resists. He wants to know every one of Yuzuru’s expressions, wants to memorize them by heart. The scrunched up face seems to appear more often than not.

“You’re _so_ annoying.” Yuzuru grumbles.

“Pot calling the kettle black, Yuzu.”

“Excuse you, I am delightful!”

“Delightfully annoying.”

Yuzuru blows a raspberry at him before dramatically face planting into his pillow, hiding his face. “Mean.”

Shoma tugs the pillow away so as to keep Yuzuru from suffocating himself. “Seriously though, I don’t think you should worry. I’m sure he’ll accept you.”

“I hope so. I’ve been thinking about it all week.”

“Look, I’m sure that phone call will come soon—“

Just as Shoma speaks the words, Yuzuru’s phone rings, causing them both to jump at the sudden noise. Yuzuru gives Shoma’s a skeptical look. “Did _you_ do that?”

Shoma shakes his head. “I can’t control Fate.”

Yuzuru scrambles off his bed to quickly answer the phone. “Hello? Ah—hi! Yes—oh, okay! Okay—got it! Thank you!”

Yuzuru hangs up and heaves a heavy breath. Shoma raises a brow in question. Suddenly, Yuzuru flings himself at Shoma, talking rapidly and giggling. Shoma has no idea what Yuzuru is saying but Yuzuru’s arms are wrapped tightly around him, nearly crushing him in his grasp. “I take it, it was good news?” Shoma rasps.

“Yes!” Yuzuru lifts his head, “That was the JSF official that’s been helping me. She said Brian said I could come! I’m going to Canada!”

“That’s wonderful, Yuzu.”

“I’m so happy! It was so worried it wouldn’t work out and scared maybe Javier would say no and then I wouldn’t know what to do or where to go and—and—“

Shoma chuckles. “Okay, calm down. Breathe.”

Yuzuru stops talking and breathes in and out with Shoma. It wouldn’t do to trigger an asthma attack due to too much excitement. Yuzuru breathes once more before letting himself go limp beside Shoma. Shoma turns on his side to face. “Now, _calmly_ , tell me more about Canada.”

Yuzuru smiles, a light pink flush on his cheeks, as he tells Shoma all about his new training base.

 

Shoma doesn’t visit the first couple of months Yuzuru is in Canada. He lets Yuzuru have his space to adjust living in a new place. There are things that Shoma knows he has to leave up to Yuzuru. He can’t be there for him every step away. Adapting to new changes is one of the things Yuzuru should have the space to get used to on his own.

It doesn’t stop him from checking on Yuzuru from time to time using Daisuke’s mirror. Like now, when Shoma’s resting on a park bench somewhere. The clouds are heavy in the sky, blocking out the sun.

“I see you’re making good use of it. I’m glad.”

The voice startles Shoma upright and he nearly drops the mirror. Daisuke catches it before it hits the ground and returns it safely to Shoma’s hands. “D-Daisuke!”

Daisuke smiles, gesturing to the empty space beside Shoma. “May I?”

Shoma nods, rapidly. It seems he has a unique talent in making a complete fool out of himself in Daisuke’s presence. Luckily, Daisuke doesn’t seem to mind as he takes his seat. “How’s your little human?”

“He’s fine. Just moved to Canada. He’s still adjusting but I think he’ll be okay.”

“Still a menace?”

Shoma rolls his eyes. “I don’t think that will ever change about Yuzu.”

“Ah, so he’s ‘Yuzu’ now, huh? Got nicknames for him already? You’re crowing quite attached to him.”

“I-I guess I am.” Shoma grimaces. “It’s bad, I know. But I can’t help it. He draws me in. And _you_ are the one that enables me all the time!”

Daisuke laughs. “I guess that’s true. I’m just as guilty. I personally don’t see a problem with it. There’s reason for everything, that includes your inevitable attraction to Yuzuru.”

Shoma blushes.

“However,” Daisuke begins, his smile falling somewhat. “Others aren’t like me. They wouldn’t understand. There are many of us who are such sticklers for the rules. They won’t like this.”

“I know…” Shoma hangs his head. “I haven’t told anyone about this. Even Mihoko. I know what she’ll say.”

“Tatsuki is still researching about your boy. I haven’t been able to pull a very concrete answer from him, though.” Daisuke sighs. “He’s just as enigmatic as ever. Sometimes I feel like I know his thoughts just by looking at him but other times it feels like he’s a stranger.”

Shoma looks up. Daisuke’s face is pinched tightly. He can see the complicated emotions playing in his eyes. Shoma doesn’t know what their situation is but he can see that they’re different from the others in the Afterlife. Different from any other Heads in the spiritual departments. “Well, tell Tatsuki thank you for continuing to work on this. And thank you, too. For the mirror. It helps.”

“I’m happy to hear that.” Daisuke’s smile slowly returns. He stands and dusts off his robes. “Well, I must be off. Take care, Shoma. And good luck!”

Shoma waves as Daisuke shimmers away. He settles back down on his bench. The wind picks up, ruffling his hair and blowing it astray. He looks up at the sky. There are dark, ominous storm clouds brewing. Shoma flinches as a tiny raindrop hits his nose. A shiver runs up his spine and goosebumps rise on his skin.

There’s a storm coming.

* * *

 

“You indulge him too much.” Daisuke freezes as he steps into Tatsuki’s office.

Tatsuki doesn’t even look at him. He isn’t reading like he usually is. Instead, he’s sitting on his desk, examining the stars. Daisuke slowly weaves his way through the stars to get to Tatsuki. He takes a seat beside him. “Are you looking for Yuzuru again?”

“Don’t need to. He’s there.” Tatsuki’s points upward.

Daisuke looks up and there’s Yuzuru’s tiny star floating by itself. It appears to never join any clusters, but remains forever alone. Daisuke knows that isn’t normal as there’s always clusters of souls bound together by Fate. But not Yuzuru’s.

“Anything from the Higher Ups, yet?”

“No.” Tatsuki sighs. “They’ve blocked me.”

“They _blocked_ you?”

“I can’t contact Them at all. They’ve withdrawn completely. I don’t know what They’re thinking or what They’re up to. But Their being cryptic does does not bode well. They have never done this before.”

“Yeah, well, Yuzuru is throwing everything out of alignment. That seems to be his thing.”

They both share a quiet chuckle. Tatsuki turns to him then, reaching out to brush Daisuke’s bangs out of his eyes. There’s this softness in his eyes that makes Daisuke ache. “You shouldn’t be encouraging Shoma so much.” Tatsuki says, gently.

“I can’t help myself. You saw what he was like before I helped. He was miserable, Tatsuki. Besides, you’re the one who said it’s possible they’re part of something greater than we can understand. You seemed thrilled about it before.”

“I was. But now I am worried.” Tatsuki’s hand falls. Daisuke is quick to pick it up in his. The corners of Tatsuki’s lips turn upwards ever so slightly. “I fear for what the Higher Ups may do. This is beyond something They can control. I think it upsets Them.”

“So, They’re going to throw a hissy fit because They can’t get Their shit together?”

“Yuzuru seems to make them anxious. They cannot control him to any extent. He’s in control of his own Fate. So much so none of us can really do anything to stop him. It makes him too powerful.”

“It makes him a threat, you mean?” Daisuke scoffs. “Are They seriously afraid of him?”

“Likely. They may be higher beings but one will always fear what they don’t understand. That is a true fact even for us.”

“So, They fear Yuzuru because he’s different. I get that. And Shoma? What about him? Why are you concerned about me helping him?”

“Because even though _Yuzuru_ may not be tied to Them, _Shoma_ still is. If they find that he, too, has moved into undefined territory, they may choose to act in a way that is unsightly to keep him from straying.”

“What…do you mean?”

Tatsuki’s fingers curl tighter around Daisuke’s. “Do you know the most effective way to kill?”

Daisuke’s eyes widen. In all this time as a Guardian, there’s never been a time when the Higher Ups directly intervened. But he doesn’t quite get it. It’s impossible to kill a spiritual being. It’s rare that they even get hurt.

“Well?” Tatsuki’s still waiting for an answer.

Daisuke doesn’t have one. He shakes his head, mutely. Tatsuki smiles, wryly as a ball of sparkling energy appears in his free hand. He throws it into the mix of stars. He waves his hand causing it to burst into a cloud of stardust. A grainy but obvious image of Yuzuru appears. He’s all smiles and sunshine. Daisuke looks at Tatsuki again, and startles at the dark, grim expression on his face. “The quickest, most effective way to kill is to aim for the heart.”

* * *

 

It’s been a while since Shoma’s visited Yuzuru. Months, really. But luckily, Yuzuru doesn’t seem to take much notice, nor does he seem to be hurt. He carries on normally, goes through his daily training regimen and grows stronger with each passing day. Shoma sees his progress and could not be more proud of how much Yuzuru has already grown in such a short time. But there’s one thing that bothers him…

Shoma sits in the lounge, watching Yuzuru through the glass, stroking around on the ice. But he isn’t alone. No, he’s with a group of skaters going through a round of stroking exercises. Beside him, is one Javier Fernandez of Spain. The man Yuzuru moved across an entire ocean for. Yuzuru catches an edge and nearly topples over, but Javier shoots his arm out and catches him, steadying him.

Yuzuru laughs, high and light. Loud enough that Shoma can hear him through the glass. They turn into outright high-pitched, excited shrieks and giggles as Javier tickles him. Shoma’s hand ball into tight fists, his nails biting into his palm. He doesn’t notice. He’s too busy glaring holes into the Spanish man’s head. He’s _so touchy!_

Shoma is glad Yuzuru managed to make friends so quickly but at the same time, he didn’t think it’d escalate to this point. To the point where they were draped all over each other and Javier’s hands were _all over_ Yuzuru. Shoma bites the inside of his cheek as Javier’s hand curls around Yuzuru’s waist. Does he really even need to be touching him right now? Seriously? Why is there so much touching?

 _You’re upset because you can’t._ A dark voice whispers.

 _Shut up._ He hisses back.

There’s this terrible, ugly feeling bubbling in the pit of his stomach. He face is hot and he can’t stop his hands from trembling with the desire to just _do something!_ Shoma doesn’t know what this is. He hasn’t encountered such a strong feeling before. But he knows it isn’t a good one.

_You’re upset because he’s replaced you with someone that can touch him. That can comfort him. Someone that can be close. Closer than you’ll ever be._

_Shut up. Shut up. SHUT UP!_

Shoma’s heart is racing and his blood is pumping hotly through his veins. His vision blurs somewhat and Shoma knows it’s time to retreat. He can’t control whatever this is and the last thing he needs is to self-combust. He doesn’t know if it’s possible but he sure feels like it is. Shoma closes his eyes and inhales deeply, trying to calm himself down.

He breathes until his heart slows down. Shoma jerks when something cold touches his cheek. He opens his eyes and finds Yuzuru sitting across from him, wrapped up in a puffy jacket and scarf. It appears he’s done training for the day. Yuzuru’s eyes are warm, brown crescents as he smiles at Shoma. The heat leaves him completely and he’s filled with something else entirely. It’s that soothing calm that always washes over him when Yuzuru is within proximity.

“Are you okay?” Yuzuru asks, quietly. “You look like you were gonna be sick. I didn’t think angels could get sick.”

“I’m fine. Just going through some things.” Shoma smiles, reassuringly.

“You were watching me?”

“I was. You’re getting better.”

Yuzuru absolutely lights up. It fills Shoma with the utmost satisfaction seeing Yuzuru react to Shoma’s praise the way he does. Like it means the world to him.

“So,” Shoma begins, his eyes trailing back to the rink. Javier is still on the ice. “That’s Javier?”

“Yeah. Javi is really nice. I was surprised when I met him officially. He gave me this _huge_ hug. I thought we’d be a little more tense with each other but he’s really kind.”

“I’m happy to hear that.” Shoma forces out between gritted teeth. “He seems very touchy.”

Yuzuru’s cheeks turn pink. “Yeah, I guess he is. But that’s just Javi. He’s like that with everyone. I’m nothing special.”

 _You are everything special, Yuzuru. Of course, even_ he _would notice._

Yuzuru tilts his head, reaching over the table to poke Shoma’s nose. “You look like you’re constipated. Are you sure you’re okay?”

“I told you I’m fine.” Shoma replies, tersely.

Yuzuru flinches.

“Sorry.” Shoma sighs. “It’s been stressful lately.”

“I make watching over me hard, don’t I? I’m sorry. Is that why I haven’t seen you in a while? Do I make it difficult?”

Shoma’s eyes widen. “No, no, no. It’s not your fault. None of this is your fault. Please don’t think that. I-I didn’t think you noticed I hadn’t been there. You seemed so content without me.”

Yuzuru looks down, lips pursed as he squishes the Winnie-the-Pooh tissue box on the table. “I mean, I’ve been trying to stand on my own so I don’t have to rely on you all the time. But…it doesn’t mean I don’t miss you. I always notice when you’re gone.”

_I thought you had forgotten me…_

“I don’t think I could--no, I _know_ I could never forget you, Shoma.” Yuzuru whispers.

Shoma realizes belatedly that he had spoken his thoughts aloud. Embarrassment paints his cheeks red. But Yuzuru doesn’t notice. He’s still trying to fix the wrinkled face of his Pooh. Shoma opens his mouth to speak when he senses someone at their side. He turns and Javier is there, smily all too widely at Yuzuru. “Hey, Yuzu. Good practice!”

“Thanks! You, too!

“Talking to your Pooh?” Javi nods at the plush on the table.

“Oh, yes. Pooh-san is very good motivation. Good to talk to him always. Pooh-san is very good listener.”

“Cute.” Javier chuckles and ruffles Yuzuru’s hair. Shoma’s fingers curl against the tabletop, scratching against the wood. “I’ll be off now. See you later!”

The heaviness that rises again in Shoma’s chest doesn’t ease until Javi disappears out the doors of the lounge. Only then does he feel like he can breathe properly. Yuzuru has a soft, gentle smile on his lips that twists Shoma’s stomach. “You…like him?” Shoma asks, hesitant.

“Eh? Javi is a good friend. Of course, I like him.” Yuzuru lifts his head, shyly. “But I like you more.”

Shoma can’t stop the triumphant smile that spreads across his face. “I haven’t been replaced then?”

“Replaced? Never!” Yuzuru’s smile turns sly, suddenly, as he leans closer. “But you know…”

“What?”

“Pooh-san is always my number one.”

Shoma rolls his eyes. “Oh, how sad. I’m less than a silly yellow bear.”

“Hey, take that back! Pooh-san is a sacred friend. He is more than just a silly yellow bear! This is why he’s better than you!”

“Well,” Shoma takes Pooh in his hands and brushes some dirt off the yellow, fuzzy face. “If Pooh-san is my only competition, I suppose that isn’t too bad.”

“Competition?”

Shoma shakes his head, waving Yuzuru off. Soon, Yuzuru’s mother calls to inform him that she’s outside. “Coming with me?” Yuzuru asks, holding his hand out.

“Of course.”

Shoma holds his hand out and Yuzuru takes it, pulling him along.

 

 

The ugly feelings Shoma feels in his heart whenever Yuzuru and Javier are together eventually gets a name. Jealousy. Shoma is _jealous_. He’s heard about envy before but he’s never experienced it for himself. Shoma hates himself for it. He doesn’t have a right to feel this way, he knows he doesn’t. And perhaps, that’s what hurts him the most.

It’s not like he could ever compete with Javier. Someone who is very much _human._ Someone that can actually take care of Yuzuru in the ways Shoma can’t. It’s obvious to see that Javier lights a certain, special spark in Yuzuru. He makes Yuzuru smile, makes him laugh, and gives hugs and affection pats on the back. All things Shoma can’t.

Shoma should be glad, _relieved_ even that Yuzuru managed to get so lucky with someone like Javier. Better a nice guy than a complete asshole that could make Yuzuru miserable. The realization that Javier is actually _good_ for Yuzuru is a bitter pill to swallow. But for all of Shoma’s insecurities, Yuzuru reassures him that Shoma’s presence is _wanted_. Needed sometimes when Yuzuru’s had a bad practice session or is frustrated with his lack of progress.

Shoma can’t hug Yuzuru back but he’s happy to allow Yuzuru to take what he needs from him even if he can’t reciprocate. Yuzuru doesn’t seem to mind, content to just squeeze Shoma tightly and nuzzle into his hair.

Today is one of those days. Despite claiming his first Senior Nationals title, Yuzuru is miserable. It hadn’t been a great competition despite the win. There’s nothing worse than feeling like you won something maybe you shouldn’t have. Shoma knows Yuzuru deserved it but Yuzuru has always been hard on himself.

They’re currently lying in Yuzuru’s bed, Yuzuru curled against Shoma, tucking his face into Shoma’s shoulder, fingers clutching tightly into the fabric of Shoma’s robes. They haven’t spoken at all. They’re both silent with the exception of Yuzuru’s quiet sobs and sniffles. Eventually, Yuzuru let’s go and rolls onto his back. He wipes at his tears and sighs. “Sorry…” He croaks.

“You have nothing to apologize for.”

“I got snot all over your robes.”

Shoma looks down and indeed sees shiny trails of snot on the fabric. But he can’t be bothered with it now. “It’s not a problem. You’re hurting. I don’t mind you getting your gross snot all over me.”

Yuzuru laughs, wetly.

“Here,” Shoma sits up to grab the glass of water on the bedside table. He gives it to Yuzuru. “Drink. You’ve done a lot of crying today.”

Yuzuru’s eyes are indeed red and puffy. He cheeks are flushed and his lips are visibly swollen from biting on them. His hair is in complete disarray, sticking up in odd angles.

Yuzuru drinks the entire glass and sets it on the floor. He wipes the lingering tears away with his sleeves, and grabs his pillow to hug close to his chest. Shoma scoots closer. “Feeling a little better now?”

“Yeah. I think. Still feeling kind of shitty about the gold but…” Yuzuru shrugs. “I know they’re right. I don’t really deserve the title with how I skated.”

“Yuzuru…”

“No.” Yuzuru shakes his head. “Don’t do that thing you do when you try to compliment me to make me feel better. I didn’t do well. I didn’t skate my best. I may have won but I lost in the ways that matter.”

“Okay, it wasn’t great but—“

“No ‘buts.’ There’s no excuse. I need to train harder and get better. That’s all there is to it. I can’t remain the way I am now. I have to become someone worthy of being National Champion. I was not that person today.”

“But you can and will be.”

Yuzuru nods. “I’ll work to become that person. You’ll continue to stick with me?”

“You want me? You Javier now and—“

“Javi wasn’t with me from the very beginning. You were.” Yuzuru’s stare contains so much that Shoma cannot even begin to decipher. “You know me better than anyone else. I want you with me.”

“Then I will stick around as long as you need.”

“Do Guardian Angels even have a choice?” Yuzuru asks, curious now.

“No. I suppose we don’t.”

Yuzuru mouths a inaudible ‘oh’ as he looks down, sadly. Shoma can’t imagine why it would bring him such sadness. “It’s not fair that you don’t have a choice. Is it like that for everything? Do you get to choose at all?”

“No. We are beings of Fate. All the major stuff, we get no real say in. We do as Fate decides. The small things, we can choose from time to time. For instance, where we go when we’re away from duties. Everything else is already decided.”

“Where do you go when you’re not with me?”

“To parks, gardens, anywhere in nature.” Shoma shrugs. “Anywhere quiet where I can just be in peace to simply watch over you.”

“Oh…” Yuzuru sucks in his bottom lip briefly before releasing it. “Well, if you were given a choice…would you…choose me?”

Shoma’s mouth works faster than his brain. He can’t stop the words that flow freely. “I’d choose you every single time.”

_For you, Yuzuru, if it were my choice, I’d forsake everything else._

The sun rises as Yuzuru’s breaks into a beautiful, sunny smile that all gums and teeth. It brings back the warm, fuzzy, feeling that normally accompanies Yuzuru. And then his smile falls and Shoma wonders why until he realizes that his hand is outstretched, inches away from touching Yuzuru’s cheek. There’s this sudden energy pulsing through him, an almost vicious _want_.

_If I reach out to you now, can I touch you?_

Yuzuru’s breath hitches as Shoma moves closer. His eyes darken as they lock intensely with Shoma’s. _I want to touch you_. Shoma’s fingers barely brush against Yuzuru’s cheek when he feels a sudden sharp jolt go through him. He immediately withdraws his hand, regretting the way Yuzuru’s expression falls just as quickly.

There’s something wrong.

Shoma gets off the bed and backs up until he hits the wall. His entire body is vibrating. “Shoma?” Yuzuru slides of the bed but makes no move towards Shoma.

“I-I’m sorry. There’s something—“ Shoma winces as another jolt passes through him.

Yuzuru gasps. “Shoma, you’re glowing!”

Shoma looks at his hands and they are indeed glowing. But not only glowing, his body shimmers. Suddenly, Shoma has an idea of what’s going on. It can’t be a good thing. “Yuzuru, I’m sorry I—“

He doesn’t get the chance to finish his sentence because in the next second he’s in a dark room, with stars all around him. Shoma blinks, slightly disoriented with the sudden change. He’s never been here before.

“Shoma Uno, we finally meet.”

Shoma jumps at the sudden voice. He spins around to find Tatsuki standing in front of his desk, arms crossed, and with a unreadable expression on his face. Shoma bows in respect of the Head Fate Keeper.

“There’s no need for that.” Tatsuki says, his voice low and steady.

“Why did you call me here? I was with Yuzuru and—“

“I know. That’s precisely why I called you.”

“I don’t understand.”

Tatsuki steps away from his desk to one of his office windows. He pulls the blinds open just an inch. Even so, Shoma can see the dark gray sky and even darker gray storm clouds outside. “The Higher Ups aren’t happy.”

“Because of Yuzuru?”

“Yes, and because of _you_.”

“ _Me?_ ” Shoma squeaks. “I-I don’t understand. I’ve been fulfilling my duties. I haven’t neglected them. I haven’t messed up since that one time! I’ve been good. I haven’t let Yuzuru distract me.”

“No. But he has changed you.” Tatsuki closes the blinds and walks back to his desk. “They expect us to follow the natural order of things. We are beings of Fate, meant only to serve Them and Them alone. We do not have wants, desires, or personal attachments. We are meant to go about our existence fulfilling our duties and nothing else.”

Shoma gulps.

“I’ve done all I can to figure all of this out. But the Higher Ups are hindering my progress and I fear if I push any further they will act.”

“You’ve given up?” Tatsuki shoots him a glare so intense, Shoma regrets even opening his mouth. “S-sorry.”

“I haven’t ‘given up.’ I’m being smart and waiting out this storm. As should you, Shoma.”

“What are you saying?”

“Your visits to Yuzuru. They can’t happen. Not now.”

“But they aren’t affecting my duties!”

“They are affecting _you_. Daisuke tells me you’ve gotten very close.”

“I-I guess we have. But why does that upset the Higher Ups if it doesn’t really even disrupt my purpose? I still collect souls. I’m still a Reaper.”

“You’re a Reaper that’s slowly gaining back your humanity. And that humanity _does_ disrupt your purpose. You’re beginning to have desires and wants that extend beyond that of the spiritual. It’s _human_ and against what is supposed to be our nature.”

“Our nature is to be obedient. To serve Them…not ourselves or anyone else…”

“Are you starting to understand, Shoma? It’s bad enough that Yuzuru is powerful enough to control his own Fate. If you can, too, then—“

“The Higher Ups lose Their power over me.” Tatsuki nods. Shoma suddenly gets it with stunning clarity and all it does is piss him off. The Higher Ups bitch fit is because They’re control freaks that can’t handle not having something under Their immediate control. “I’m just one Reaper though. Why does it matter?”

“Because if one can do it, it’s possible the rest can, too.”

Shoma laughs, dryly. “They’re pathetic.”

"Shoma..." Tatsuki warns. 

“No. I get it, Tatsuki. I get it. They’re upset because They don’t want to lose Their power of me, over all of us. That’s it, isn’t it? They worry that maybe They aren’t so all powerful, after all.”

“They _are_ powerful, Shoma. Which is why I’m telling you to be careful. I understand you very well. I know your anger. I know your frustration. I understand it all. But I also know now is not the time. If you act against them while They’re already riled up, They’ll destroy you.”

“If you were in my situation and Daisuke were Yuzuru, what would you do?” Shoma doesn’t beat around the bush. He knows Tatsuki gets it. He doesn’t understand exactly what’s there between them, but it’s _something._

Tatsuki smirks, “You’ve picked up on Yuzuru’s tendency of being a pain in the ass.”

“Tatsuki, please…”

“We both know the answer to that.”

“Then, you get why I can’t just leave him alone. I can’t just…drop him. We don’t know how long it’ll take for the storm to blow over. It could take literally _years_. And I can’t be apart from him that long.”

“That is your choice, then? To forsake Them and continue to see Yuzuru? You are choosing to defy Them for one human.”

“That ‘human’ is more important to me than anything else. You understand that feeling, don’t you?”

Tatsuki sighs, defeated. “More than you can comprehend. You and Daisuke are so similar.”

Shoma takes this as his win. He honestly feels like a complete asshole for using Tatsuki’s own feelings against him but he wants to get his point through. He bows lowly, uttering a quiet but sincere apology. “Forgive me for overstepping. I will not do such a thing again.”

Shoma turns to leave, but Tatsuki holds him back with a firm grip on his shoulder. “I know nothing I say will dissuade you. But there is something you must understand, Shoma. It's the reason I hold back. Choices always have consequences.”

Tatsuki’s words send a chill up his spine. Shoma nods slowly and Tatsuki lets go. And then Shoma’s gone. Tatsuki spends some time staring at the spot Shoma once stood. Outside thunder roars loud enough to shake the building and lightning crackles violently through the sky.

“It may not only be you who pays those consequences, dear Shoma.”

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which everything falls apart. 
> 
> WARNING: Cup of China 2014. This chapter contains content that may be triggering or upsetting to some readers. Please read at your own risk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, before we begin, this chapter was honestly quite difficult to write. For obvious reasons mentioned in the warning but here we are. It's not all bad, I promise! If you feel uncomfortable about COC14, please feel free to skip from "Several things happened all at once..." up until "And then there's nothing."
> 
> That being said, get your Pooh-San tissue box ready! You may need it.

 

It is the unwritten law of the universe that for every action, there is a consequence. As a Keeper of Fate, Tatsuki has borne witness to many firsthand. There are times when these consequences are good, but a vast majority are not quite so. In this world, the choices of one not only affects the individual but perhaps others as well. This is a true fact that most tend to overlook or forget.

Tatsuki has been weighing his choices a lot more heavily lately. Not that he’s had many to make in this existence he lives. His existence in the Afterlife is simply to map out constellations that eventually take souls to their Fate. It depends on the individual, however, to make these decisions that lead  them there.

The choices Tatsuki has had to make lately are the ones he’s been contemplating the most. Idly, he wonders if he should have kept a respectable distance from Shoma and his situation. If he should have forgone his little investigation in favor of living a more blissful, non-troublesome existence. If he should have just allowed Fate to play its course without his tampering. On the other hand, he wonders if he should have tried harder to convince Shoma to keep his distance. If he should have gone after him or used force to keep him away from Yuzuru. But Tatsuki made no such choices. He had interfered and let Shoma  go without more than a warning.

Tatsuki knows that no matter how much he ponders over this choice, nothing will change it.This is the path that both of them chose to take. Like a stone dropped into a pond, once the ripples spread, there’s no stopping them. No amount of convincing will steer Shoma off his intended path. Tatsuki knows that if he were to try something now, it will only provoke Shoma to fight harder. And there’s nothing quite more troublesome than a defiant Reaper. In any case, it is the inevitable that Shoma will always find a way back to Yuzuru.

Movement catches his eye in the corner of the room. There, sitting on the floor, is Daisuke inspecting a globe. A heavy feeling settles in Tatsuki’s chest. It leaves him a little breathless, a little shaken. There is a warmth that threatens to consume him from the inside. It crawls up his chest, spreads to his fingertips, and threatens to make itself known in all the ways Tatsuki knows would be dangerous. It’s not often that Tatsuki feels these things. He’s gotten rather good at suppressing it all. But with the way things are, with Tatsuki uncharacteristically so out of sorts lately, all of his previous defenses seem to be crumbling down.

“I heard you scolded Shoma.” Daisuke says as he spins the globe, slowly. Fingers tapping rhythmically on the plastic. “You told him to stay away.”

“I did. You understand why, don’t you?”

“I do.”

Tatsuki realizes belatedly that Daisuke has not smiled since he came in. He hadn’t greeted Tatsuki in that usual chipper way. He’d been oddly stoic, deathly silent. He hadn’t approached Tatsuki’s desk with a cheeky, playful grin on his face that only screamed trouble. He hadn’t looked at Tatsuki with that muted fire that still somehow managed to burn him, that threatened Tatsuki’s self-control to not throw caution to the wind and indulge himself after so many centuries. Here, now, though, Daisuke has barely even looked at him.

“You are upset with me.”

“It’s not you I’m upset with.” Daisuke places the globe down to stand. He reaches out to pull the window blinds open. Outside is chaos. Dark gray clouds cover the expanse of the sky as the wind blows violently, shaking the building, and rain pours down in unforgiving, unceasing buckets. “It’s Them.”

“Daisuke…”

“No. It’s not fair what They are doing, Tatsuki.’

“It’s not about fairness. It’s about what’s right-”

“Please,” Daisuke scoffs, “spare me your righteous bullshit. Who do you think you’re talking to?”

“Dai, please…”

“You know I’m right.” Daisuke crosses his arms.

“What would you have me do then, Daisuke?” Tatsuki massages his temples, pressure building against his skull. “What do you think we _can_ do?”

“I don’t know but this is far from the right thing! It bothers you, too. I can see it. You know this is wrong!”

“I’m trying to find answers. I’m doing all I can to help but with Them trying to tear everything apart, I’ve been trying to lay low. If everyone would just-”

“Fuck laying low! This could go on for _centuries_. By then, it will be too late! By then, you will have become Their fucking puppet-”

“Enough!” Tatsuki stands, slamming his palms against his desk. The windows shatter, raining tiny glass shards all over the room. Wind rips wildly through the office, scattering Tatsuki’s scrolls and ruining his papers.

Daisuke’s eyes flash dangerously as he shoves back against Tatsuki’s force. The two are caught in a standoff, eyes glowing bright, and bodies thrumming with energy. There’s a static charge in the air that raises the hair on their arms, on the backs of their necks. It crackles around them, fills the space between them. The stars shudder before disappearing from sight, leaving the office in darkness. Lightning cuts through the sky, casting sharp, harsh shadows across their tense faces.

Their standoff holds for another beat until Daisuke finally concedes. His shoulders sag as he breathes out slowly, easing himself down. Seeing his defenses down, Tatsuki allows himself the same. A long, heavy sigh leaves him along with the tension. The pressure eases, only to be replaced with great shame. “Forgive me. I didn’t mean to lose control.”

Daisuke shakes his head, quickly bridging the distance between them to wrap his arms around Tatsuki, clutching at his back. “It’s my fault. I shouldn’t have pushed you.”

Around them, the office fixes itself. The stars return, wrapping around them. Tatsuki pulls back slightly, lifting his hands to cradle Daisuke’s face. He leans forward then to rest their foreheads together. “You have to trust that I am doing everything I possibly can, Daisuke.I haven’t given up on them.”

“I know. I do trust you. I’m just scared. I sense something terrible coming. You said once that They will aim for Shoma’s heart, I am terrified of what that means for him.”

“This isn’t your burden to bear, you know? It’s not too late to walk away.”

Daisuke chuckles, bitterly. “Oh, I think that ship sailed the moment I decided to give Shoma my mirror. I can’t walk away. I’ve done too much to endable Shoma. It’s my responsibility to make sure to be there when shit hits the wall like it’s destined to.”

The corners of Tatsuki’s mouth tug downwards as he pulls away. It’s painful being involved with these kinds of matters. But he supposes Daisuke already knew what he was signing up for. There’s this thought that’s been lingering in the back of his mind for a while now since this all started, since Daisuke first learned of Yuzuru’s existence, of Shoma’s situation.

“You see us in them, don’t you?” Tatsuki whispers, combing his fingers through Daisuke’s hair. “That’s why you’re so invested...you’re trying to spare them of our Fate…”

“It’s not that. I mean, I see it but it’s not the reason. Not really. I just…” Daisuke’s fingers trail up Tatsuki’s neck, “I see that they carry something special. Like you said. I truly see it now. They could change things.”

“You’re looking for a revolution?”

“Maybe. Just something. Yuzuru may not have a Fate of his own. But with Shoma, maybe there’s something in it for the both of them.”

“If they manage to get through whatever the Higher Ups are brewing for them, then maybe so.” Tatsuki reaches up to hold onto Daisuke’s wrist, leaning into his touch.

“I have faith in them. Don’t you?”

Tatsuki turns, his lips brushing against Daisuke’s palm for the briefest of seconds, enough to make Daisuke shudder. Tatsuki pulls away. “I believe that miracles are possible. I just hope Yuzuru still has more in him.”

Tatsuki glances at Yuzuru’s star floating just above their heads, flickering about. Ominous black clouds of stardust manifest around it. “I fear They have begun to make Their move.”

\------------

The buzz of the Olympics is something Shoma has never experienced before. Not that he was really experiencing it for himself. He experiences it all through Yuzuru who’s flitting and buzzing about like a busy honey bee. It’s a fairly new development between them, for Shoma to become so intune with Yuzuru’s emotions. He can feel the excitement rushing through Yuzuru’s veins, the energy pulsing through his entire body, and even the nerves that threatened to make him queasy. The whirlwind of Yuzuru’s ever shifting emotions, while initially overwhelming, now makes Shoma feel _alive_.

He’s certainly not complaining about that. It makes him feel warm, fills the gaping hole in his chest that he hadn’t even realized was there until recently. Shoma doesn’t ever want to know what it’s like to go on without this feeling of wholeness. It seems to grow the longer he watches Yuzuru bounce, skip, and jump around his hotel room. Image training, is what he calls it. Shoma doesn’t really understand it but Yuzuru does, which is all that matters. Says it helps him focus, keeps his mind sharp when he’s out there on the ice skating for real. Yuzuru leaps into the air, rotates one...two...three...and slips on his socks. He yelps as he crashes to the ground.

Shoma bites back the laugh. Yuzuru groans, sitting up from the floor, his air rumpled, falling messily in his eyes. Yuzuru blows the strands of hair away, bottom lip jutting out in an exaggerated pout.

“That was so graceful.” Shoma says from his position in the middle of the bed, chin resting in his palm.

“Oh, shut up!”

Yuzuru picks himself off the floor, opting to sprawl on the bed. Then, suddenly, he’s grinning, wide and bright. His eyes are soft, chocolatey crescents, that makes Shoma feels all ooey and gooey. “W-what? What’s with that grin?” Shoma hopes Yuzuru doesn’t notice the tremor in his voice.

“We’re finally here. The Olympics.”

 _Oh_. Shoma can’t help but smile along. It’s been Yuzuru’s dream since he was ten to go to the Sochi Olympics and now that dream is finally being realized. “Yeah, you made it. You should be proud.”

Yuzuru nods, “I am. But it’s not enough just yet. I need to win for all of this to mean something.”

“I believe you can.”

“You’ll stay with me until the end, right?”

“Of course.”

“And even after that? You’ll still stay with me?” Yuzuru holds out his fist.

Shoma hesitates. He thinks about Tatsuki. About what he said about consequences. Shoma doesn’t know if he’s ready to deal with that just yet but he’s sure that at this moment, he wants to remain by Yuzuru’s side. He raises his fist.

“Always.”

 _And forever_ , he doesn’t say. He doesn’t have the courage to just yet.

 

Yuzuru ends up with a good lead after the short program. 101.45. A world record. Shoma couldn’t be prouder. He had to slip away during the performance, still busy keeping up with collections, but he’d been there the moment they announced Yuzuru’s score. He’d felt the rush of happiness, gidiness, and relief flood through Yuzuru. It's exhilarating, almost intoxicating how much Shoma wants to keep feeling these things.

Shoma stands off to the side, content to watch Yuzuru from afar, to watch him receive his ‘congratulations.’ Yuzuru keeps glancing around from time to time. Shoma knows he’s looking for him. He wonders if he should make himself known.

“Yuzu!”

Shoma startles as someone runs straight through him, making a beeline for Yuzuru. It takes another second to register that it’s Javier. Shoma stiffens as Javier engulfs Yuzuru in a hug, spinning him around, coaxing the most adorable, lighthearted giggles from Yuzuru. It still hurts, seeing them like this. Knowing that there are things he can’t have with Yuzuru. It doesn’t bother Yuzuru that Shoma can’t touch, but that doesn't stop the sting of jealousy Shoma feels every time Javier touches Yuzuru.

He isn’t blind. He sees it all too clearly, even if Yuzuru insists that there isn’t anything there. Shoma can almost see himself reflected in Javier’s eyes, in the way that he looks at Yuzuru. As if Yuzuru carries the weight of his world. He also sees how at ease Yuzuru is around Javier, how relaxed and natural he looks just by being in proximity.

“Congratulations on the world record!” Javier ruffles Yuzuru’s hair, bringing a pink tinge to Yuzuru’s cheeks.

Shoma’s hands ball into tight fists.

“Thanks. You do good, too! Must be ready for tomorrow! Javi will be on podium with me, yes?”

Shoma sees the soft, fondness in Javier’s eyes. He also sees the moment Javier caves, surrendering himself before Yuzuru, in the way that most do. It’s hard to resist when Yuzuru’s expression is always so open and honest. “I’ll definitely try to meet you there.”

Yuzuru beams at this. “Good! Here, squeeze Pooh-san for good luck.”

Javier chuckles as Yuzuru fishes his cuddly, fuzzy, yellow friend from his bag. Shoma’s lips twitch into a smile remembering how despaired Yuzuru was when he found out he couldn’t carry Pooh around. Javier gives the plush a light squeeze on the nose before doing the same to Yuzuru. Yuzuru wrinkles his nose, batting Javier’s hand away. “No, no. I am not Pooh-san. Does not work if you do on me.”

Javier shrugs, grinning. “I dunno. You’re pretty lucky to me, Mr. World Record.”

Shoma watches for a moment more, listens to Yuzuru as he whines in that usual annoying yet endearing high-pitched whine of his. They’re both trapped in their own little bubble while Shoma’s the outsider looking in. He makes the decision to slip away quietly while Yuzuru’s distracted.

This time is not for him.

  


Seeing Yuzuru stand atop the podium is like having Shoma’s own dreams come true, even though this one is very much so Yuzuru’s. Unlike yesterday, Shoma had time to watch Yuzuru win. It hadn’t been spectacular. It wasn’t perfect. There were some mistakes that Shoma knows Yuzuru will brood over later in the comfort of his room. Despite the imperfections, Shoma thinks it was still a good performance, the heartbreak, the desperation, the longing. Yuzuru expresses these things in a way that forces you to feel what he does. It grips onto you, immerses you in his world that he himself creates and invites you into so rarely. It’s only on the ice that Yuzuru allows this, a glimpse at his soul.

Shoma thinks it’s a privilege to be able to be able to witness such a thing. To be allowed to see Yuzuru so open, vulnerable, and raw. Once the music ends, though, Yuzuru retreats back into himself. It’s fascinating watching him.

The gold medal gleams brightly around Yuzuru’s neck as the medalists pose for pictures, but the smile he wears on his face outshines the gold completely. Or at least, in Shoma’s opinion. It’s the type of smile that reaches Yuzuru’s eyes, lights him up from within. He knows that Yuzuru’s probably going to be bouncing off the walls later when he retires to his room. Shoma retreats again to let Yuzuru bask in his newest accomplishment.

Later, he’s called back by a timid whisper. A smile stretches across his face as he appears in front of Yuzuru. Yuzuru immediately throws his arms around Shoma. “I was so scared. I really thought I was going to lose.”

“But you didn’t. You fought hard and won.”

“They’re saying I don’t deserve it.  That I won because I was lucky.” Yuzuru steps back to clutch at his gold medal. “They think I’m not really Olympic Champion.”

“That’s bullshit, Yuzu. Don’t listen to them. You won. You’ve accomplished something amazing. Don’t let them ruin your well-deserved victory. You earned it.”

Yuzuru nods, sniffling. “I was looking for you earlier. You disappeared. Why?”

“I wanted to give you space so that you could enjoy it with your family, friends, and coaches. You precious people. I didn’t want to intrude.”

Yuzuru frowns. “But you’re one of my precious people, too.”

The words punch the air out of Shoma’s lungs. He’ll never get used to hearing these words from Yuzuru. He knows it’s not in Yuzuru’s nature to lie about such a thing. He’s always been extremely earnest. Shoma has come to find that Yuzuru’s love runs deep. The people that are on the receiving end of this love know how incredibly precious this love is. That Yuzuru considers this love for Shoma, too, is almost more than Shoma can take or accept.

“Well,” Shoma drawls, “I’m here now.”

“Yes, you are.”

Yuzuru smiles easily. It’s amazing to Shoma how little it takes to make Yuzuru smile. He never wants Yuzuru to lose that. Shoma also notices that unlike what he expected, Yuzuru is somewhat subdued. He’s calm, steady, quiet. There’s this sudden maturity in the way Yuzuru seems to carry himself. Shoma wonders how it’s possible for someone to change so quickly, over the course of one competition. Yuzuru went into the Olympics like an excited child in a candy store, to this person that stands before Shoma now.

“I don’t feel it now but I want to become someone worthy of this gold medal.” Yuzuru says, quietly. “What I’ve done here isn’t enough. It’s not nearly enough.”

“You’re enough, Yuzu. You-”

“No.” Yuzuru shakes his head. “I have to get stronger. Be better than I was before. I was thinking a lot about Sendai today. About how I really haven’t done anything.”

“They support you, Yuzu. They love you. You know that, don’t you? They’re probably so proud of you for what you’ve achieved here.”

“That’s why I have to keep going. I have keep evolving so that I don’t waste all this love and support they’ve given.”

That’s the thing about Yuzuru. He gives twice the amount of love back that he receives. Shoma gets it. He understands Yuzuru’s struggle. He knows the fear Yuzuru carries in his heart, the guilt, the desire to keep going so as not to let his beloved city down. Shoma doesn’t think it’s possible. They adore Yuzuru. But for whatever reason, Yuzuru remains with the fear he’s not doing enough, or he isn’t enough so he tries to shape himself into someone he thinks it worthy of that love.

“No matter what you do, I’m sure they’ll always support you. You are more than just gold medals and world records to them, Yuzuru. You know that don’t you?”

Yuzuru’s eyes are wide and Shoma sees the child reflected inside. The young teenager carrying a burden bigger than himself. Perhaps he was wrong about his earlier observation. Despite how Yuzuru changes on the outside, on the inside, there still exists that person. “Yuzuru, you are worth far more than any gold medal.”

From the fragile, brittle smile, Shoma can tell Yuzuru doesn’t quite believe him but he hopes that in time, Yuzuru will begin to see it, too.

\----------

The summer after the Olympics is a crazy one. With Yuzuru carrying the title of Olympic Champion, World Champion, and Grand Prix Final Champion, he’s busier than ever doing interviews, meeting with sponsors, and magazines all wanting to get a piece of Japan’s rising figure skating star. Shoma doesn’t spend much time with Yuzuru these days. Not because he doesn’t want to, but because Shoma’s busy on his own. More deaths, more souls to collect. But he checks in when he can through Daisuke’s mirror.

Yuzuru seems excited to debut these new programs of his. The one time Shoma was able to find time to see Yuzuru, Yuzuru had practically talked his ear off about his new choreographer for the free skate this season. A former ice dancer that seems to really understand Yuzuru.

“She’s really nice. I like the work she’s done. I think she really gets me, you know?” Yuzuru grins. “She’s also into the dramatics like me so I like it!”

Shoma rolls his eyes. “Of course. Glad you found someone to enable your dramatic ass.”

“You love my dramatic ass.”

“I _tolerate_ your dramatic ass, you mean.”

Yuzuru sticks his tongue out. “But you wouldn’t have me any other way.”

“No.” Shoma’s eyes soften. “I wouldn’t.”

Yuzuru chokes, his cheeks turning that pretty light pink Shoma’s grown to love. His lips curl upwards into a bashful smile. “A-anyway, about Shae-Lynn…”

  


Yuzuru starts the Grand Prix season at the Cup of China. Shoma informed Yuzuru beforehand that he didn’t think he’d be able to make it for the competition but he’d be supporting him regardless. It’s a relief to Shoma that Yuzuru doesn’t press for more answers. He seems to readily accept Shoma’s excuses for not being present for something. Yuzuru just sends Shoma off with a nod, a smile, and a promise of a gold medal.

The collections seem to grow every day. Shoma’s used to being on duty a lot but lately things seem to be more stacked than usual. A couple of collections in Japan, another few in Canada, and then a couple more in Japan. A handful in China after a horrible landslide. Shoma knows there’s no way to stop death. It’s the inevitable Fate of everyone and everything. But the increasing frequency in which people seem to be dying is alarming. Suddenly, Shoma’s book is filled with more names than he can remember. He manages to keep up with it all, tries his best not to think about Yuzuru so that he can give his best effort to his duties.

Mihoko seems pleased with him, if a bit suspicious about where’s been disappearing to in between collections. He still hasn’t told her about Yuzuru. Hasn’t spoken a word to her about Yuzuru at all, really. A part of him feels guilty for keeping such a big thing from her but he knows it’s for the best.

After dropping off his latest soul, Mihoko sits him down to talk. “You’re not in any trouble. Don’t look so nervous, Shoma.”

Shoma stills his fingers where they’re currently fiddling with his robe. Mihoko’s smile is gentle in that motherly sort of way. Shoma wonders who Mihoko was in her past life. If she was a mom. If that’s why she’s so motherly towards Shoma. It’s a fairly new thought, wondering where all these spirit workers come from but Shoma can’t seem to stop himself from wondering.

“I just wanted to check to see how you’re doing. We haven’t spoken in a long time.”

Shoma deflates like a sad balloon, “I guess we haven’t.”

“Don’t feel bad. I know you’re busy. You’ve been doing such a good job lately. I’m very proud of you.”

The guilt doesn’t ease. Instead, it gets stronger, twisting Shoma’s guts. If Shoma were to tell her about Yuzuru would she still be proud of him? Would she understand? “Umm...thank you.”

“You seem very happy these days. It’s nice to see.”

Of course Mihoko would notice. She seems to notice things about Shoma, he himself sometimes doesn’t notice. She’s a keen, smart, observant woman. Shoma supposes that’s why she was made Head of the department. “I am happy. I’m very happy.”

“It’s wonderful to see you like this, Shoma. I hope this continues.”

“I hope so, too.”

“Well then, off you go.” Mihoko shoos him off. “I just wanted to check up on you.”

Shoma stands and bows. “Thank you.”

He spins on his heel, heading to the door when Mihoko calls out to him. He half-turns, tilting his head in silent inquiry.

“Wish Yuzuru good luck for me.”

Shoma’s jaw drops. Mihoko chuckles quietly, shooing him off once more. He bows quickly again before teleporting away. He probably should’ve known Mihoko would’ve found him out eventually. But he’s relieved to know she seems relatively okay with it. For that, Shoma is infinitely grateful.

  


Several things happened all at once. Shoma feels a sharp jolt of pain shoot up his spine. Feels the very air get knocked out of his lungs as if he’d just gotten punched in the gut. His whole body throbs suddenly. He hears Yuzuru scream for him and then he’s suddenly in China, standing a distance away from the ice rink. He’s confused for a second. He wonders why he was brought here like this. What was that pain? What caused Yuzuru to cry out for him like that?

And then he sees it.

The entire world seems to slow down. The worried chatter of the crowd fades into unintelligible, indistinct warbles in the background. Everything else falls away, his surroundings turning hazy at the edges. All Shoma can see is Yuzuru. Lying on the ice, still, with blood trickling down his neck, down the side of his head.

_No...no. No!_

Shoma rushes toward the ice rink only to be knocked back by some kind of forcefield. He picks himself up to try again. And again. Again. Again. Again. Shoma slams his fist against the invisible force. Distantly, he can hear someone screaming, shouting frantically. Shoma’s throat burns and he realizes it’s him. He’s the one screaming.

“Yuzu! Yuzuru!”

Shoma runs around, trying to get closer to the rink but he can’t. Something is blocking him out. He doesn’t stop. Doesn’t quit. He keeps running, running, running. Charging against whatever the hell is trying to keep him from Yuzuru.

‘ _Shoma! Shoma!’_

Shoma’s knees buckle. Yuzuru’s voice echoes loudly in his head. Fear courses through him, only adding to Shoma’s panic. He clutches his head, tugs violently at his hair. Yuzuru’s emotions crash into him like a truck. It knocks the air out of his lungs and threatens to rip apart his very being.

_‘Where are you? Shoma! Shoma!’_

“I’m here!” Shoma screams back. “Yuzuru, I’m here!”

Yuzuru doesn’t hear him. He keeps calling for Shoma, crying as he lies on that cold ice for far too fucking long. Why isn’t anyone helping him? Where is Brian? Where the hell is the medical team? Shoma will take anyone. Anyone that can save him. He just needs Yuzuru off that ice. He needs Yuzuru safe.

Shoma gets up, runs forward, and tries slamming his whole body against the invisible wall. “Please! Let me through! He needs me! Let me go! LET ME GO!”

Shoma slams against the wall one more time before sliding to the floor in exhaustion. _Why? Why did this happen? How could this happen? What the fuck happened? Why? Why? WHY?_

_“Choices have consequences.”_

Shoma goes rigid, remembering what Tatsuki said. All around him, everything is still moving in slow motion. Yuzuru is still lying on the ice, looking more and more pale with each passing second. Shoma’s eyes are wide. His breath is caught somewhere in his chest, in his throat. _I did this._

Shoma gets up, now clawing at the wall. “Please, please! I’ll play by Your rules! I’ll obey! I won’t stray any more. I’ll be good! Just please, _please_ don’t take him away! Save him! Save him, damn it!”

The walls starts to crack. Shoma remains relentless, determined to break through. “Hurt me instead! I’ll take it all. Just leave him alone! I was the selfish one! I was the one who didn’t obey the rules! I was the one who who fucked up! Punish me! It’s me you want! Not him!”

The cracks spread further.

“You wanted to break me, you’ve succeeded! You win! I surrender! I give up!” Shoma’s voice tapers off into a sob. “I-I lose. Please don’t hurt him anymore. Let him live.”

The wall shatters like glass. Time seems to resume its natural flow. And then Shoma feels his world going dark. He sways, shaking his head to try to fight this growing darkness. As he’s falling to the ground, he reaches a hand out to Yuzuru. He stays conscious long enough to see the medical staff help Yuzuru off the ice. The last thing Shoma sees is red, red, red.

And then there’s nothing.

\----------

_‘Shoma...where are you?’_

_‘It’s hurts, Shoma.’_

_‘Shoma?’_

“..ma...Shoma?”

Shoma squeezes his eyes tight before opening them. He does a quick survey of where he is, notes that he’s lying on Mihoko’s office couch. The room is dark and Mihoko is hovering over him, brows pulled tight, mouth pursed. “Shoma, are you with me?”

_“Are you with me?”_

Shoma closes his eyes again, at the sudden pang in his chest. He nods slowly.

“Good. You gave us quite the scare. You blacked out. Itsuki and Daisuke found you.”

“Daisuke? Itsuki?” Shoma sits upright. “Why was Itsuki there? Is Yuzuru okay? Itsuki didn’t go near Yuzuru, did he? I told Them I give up. I swear if They-”

“Shoma, Shoma, calm down.” Mihoko places a hand on his shoulder. “Itsuki didn’t collect Yuzuru. Yuzuru is very much alive. He’s okay.”

Shoma looks down. “No. No he’s not. He’s hurt and it’s all my fault.”

“Shoma…”

“It’s true!” Shoma cries, burying his face in his hands, the heels of his palms pressing firmly against his eyes. “I was so selfish, Mihoko. I disobeyed and because of it, Yuzuru paid for my actions. I did this to him.”

“Technically, They did this to him. They made the choice.” Shoma turns to find Daisuke and Itsuki lingering in the doorway.

“They did it because of me. This was my punishment.”

“Oh, Shoma.” Mihoko sighs, pulling him into a tight hug. “I’m so sorry this happened. You were so happy, too.”

“None of it matters now. All of this has to end. I can’t see him anymore. I can’t be by his side.” Shoma clutches onto Mihoko’s tighter. “He’s going to hate me so much for this.”

“I doubt it. I don’t think it’s in Yuzuru’s nature to hate you.” Itsuki interjects. “He cherishes you, too, Shoma. I’ve seen it.”

“He’ll grow to hate me when he realizes I’ve lied to him and that I’m never coming back.”

“At the very least, don’t you think you should say goodbye?”

Shoma pulls away from Mihoko, shaking his head. “No. Goodbyes are too hard. I don’t think I can.”

“You should try. If you’re going to walk out of his life suddenly after being a part of it for so long, I think he deserves at least a proper goodbye. And so do you.”

“The Higher Ups-”

“The Higher Ups can fuck off.” Daisuke scoffs. “They can get off your back for a few minutes to allow you to say goodbye. You’re at least granted that much, Shoma.”

Shoma swallows against the lump forming in his throat, giving a shallow nod. “Where is--”

“He’s in the hospital now. Pretty banged up, but he managed to finish his skate. I won’t tell you the gory details but he managed second place. He fought for it.”

“I have to admit, I get it now.” Itsuki says, thoughtfully. “I get why you’re drawn to him. He’s special.”

“Thank you, everyone.” Shoma bows low. “I’m sorry for the burden I’ve caused.”

“We care for you, Shoma.” Mihoko gives his shoulder a light squeeze. Shoma may not find home here in the Afterlife, but he sees now that he’s always had a family of sorts. They may not feel things of the same magnitude as humans do but that does not mean they are heartless. They feel, if only mutely. But it’s enough. “Go. See Yuzuru one last time. Say goodbye. And then-”

“And then what?”

“And then we carry on from there.”

Daisuke steps forward then, holding out a hand. “Come. I’ll take you. So, you don’t have to do this alone.”

Shoma takes his hand. There’s a moment of nothingness and then Shoma’s standing beside Yuzuru’s hospital bed. He feels sick to his stomach seeing Yuzuru now. He has bandages wrapped around his head, there are dark circles under his eyes, and he looks so small, so fragile. Daisuke pushes him forward. “Go. I’ll step outside so you can talk.”

Shoma sits at Yuzuru’s bedside. Nostalgia hits him. The last time he’d done this, Yuzuru was a child and Shoma had promised to stay with him. Now, Yuzuru is grown and just like last time, he’s unable to keep his promise. It’s like a knife to the heart to have to sit here, knowing the best thing for Shoma to do at this point is to remove himself from Yuzuru’s life.

Shoma’s been selfish. He’d forsaken his morals in favor of something new. In favor of indulging himself by befriending this beautiful, wonderful human boy who carries Shoma’s entire world. After what happened before, seeing Yuzuru lying so still on the ice, seeing the blood, feeling fear pool in his stomach at the thought of losing Yuzuru, Shoma knows there is no other choice than the one he’s making now.

So, he scoots his chair closer, trying to get as close as he possibly can. He wishes he could touch Yuzuru now. Nothing overly complicated. A touch of his fingers against Yuzuru’s cheek, to the stitches that are hidden beneath a white bandage, stained with the faintest hue of red. Touch is how humans communicate with each other, and Shoma wants to get through to Yuzuru more than ever.

“I know you can’t hear me. I know this is a cowardly way to do this but I don’t think I’d be able to face you if you were awake now.” Shoma swallows, saliva catching in his throat. “There are things I need to tell you. I don’t know if you’ll understand. There’s a chance you’ll be angry with me or even resent me. And that’s okay. Hate me if you need to.”

Shoma settles his hands against the hospital sheets, his fingers curling into the fabric. “What I said so long ago about being your guardian angel...is a lie. All of it. I’m not an angel and I’m not yours. I made a mistake and you ended up paying the price for it. I did this to you. You’re hurt because I was stupid and couldn’t let you go when I should have.”

Shoma’s voice trembles, “I never meant for this to happen. Tatsuki warned me and I didn’t listen. I didn’t want to listen. Being around you made me so happy. You made me feel things that I had thought I was incapable of feeling. I didn’t want those feelings to stop so I clung to you in hopes i could continue to feel _more_. But I got too greedy and you were punished as a result of my greed.”

His fingers twitch, itching to reach out, to brush against Yuzuru’s that lie so limp in front of him. Shoma can feel pressure building in his chest, behind his eyes, in his head. He feels like he’s about to explode with everything bubbling up inside of him. Shoma bites his lip hard, hard enough to taste copper on his tongue. The tears start coming in excess now.

“I-I hate that I have to do this, Yuzuru. I hate that I know this will hurt you. You’ll probably wake up and look for me, but I won’t be there. I can’t be there, not when being near you puts you in danger. You deserve better than that. You deserve so much better than that.

“I’ve always watched over you. Ever since you were a child, barely able to walk. I could see something special in you, something that separated you from anyone else I’d ever met. I can’t explain what it was like to watch you grow, to see you accomplish everything that you set out to accomplish, but I’m glad that I was a part of your life, even if only for a short time. I’m glad you allowed me to be a part of it. I owe you more than I can ever say.”

Shoma allows for a smile to shine through, “My one wish for you, Yuzu, is to be happy. Above all else, please be happy. The dreams you have, everything that you aspire for, I want that for you. I want to see it happen. Everything that you want, everything that you long for, I want you to have it. I want you to grab every bit of happiness out there in the world.

“I want you to obtain that happiness no matter how or...with whom. Once you heal, I want you to go out there and shine the way no one else can. I wish for you to stand atop more podiums, to break more records, to change the world in the way only you can.”

Shoma reaches further, his fingers hovering inches away from Yuzuru’s face. He aches to touch him. _Just once, please, just this one time._ He holds his breath as his fingertips brush softly against his hair. He exhales, only to inhale sharply when he realizes he can touch. He thinks it’s unfair that he can do it now, in his moment of complete surrender. But maybe this is his punishment too. It doesn’t matter. What matters is that Yuzuru’s skin feels warm under his touch. Shoma feels his heart breaking the longer he lingers. “I won’t be able to see you anymore, but know that i will always be in your corner, supporting you.”

He leans down to rest his forehead against Yuzuru’s, as he whispers in a voice to heart achingly tender. “You are my dearest friend, my home, my heart, and all that I care for in this world. An existence without you is one I never want to know even if I'm not by your side. Knowing you're alive and well is enough for me. So _live_ , Yuzuru. Don’t ever forget to keep living. Smile, laugh, and continue to share that love you have in your heart. There’s still so much in you that you’ve yet to discover but I know it’s there. Show them.”

Shoma moves to press a light kiss to the crown of Yuzuru’s head. “Know that you are so loved, Yuzuru. I'll be watching over you. Always and forever.”

He lingers only to feel Yuzuru’s warmth slip away. Shoma’s eyes flutter as his fingers go through Yuzuru, like they did before. His time is up. He takes off the bracelet Yuzuru once gave him and places it in Yuzuru’s palm. “Goodbye, Yuzu.”

Shoma stands on shaky legs, slowly making his way out of the room. Daisuke is there, leaning against the wall, a somber expression on his face. “Are you--”

Shoma’s breath hitches as he hiccups a sob. Daisuke catches him the moment his legs cave from beneath him. Daisuke can do nothing more other than hold onto Shoma to give him something to keep him grounded while he falls apart in his arms.

“Come on, let’s get out of here.” Daisuke whisks them away.

 

Yuzuru’s fingers twitch, curling around the beaded bracelet. A single tear trails down his cheek.

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which some things are enough, painful truths are revealed, and Yuzuru stops chasing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Erm...let me just....leave this here and brace myself for the angry mob wielding pitch forks and torches....
> 
>  
> 
> Hope you enjoy this chapter...or not. Ha ha ha... Okay, bye!

People watching is common among Spirits. They often enjoy perching themselves on something high like a building to observe the life below. For Shoma, one of his favorite pastimes has always been watching a city come to life at night. He’s always enjoyed following the trail of twinkling lights as cars drove down winding roads, the way shops and clubs would light up the night with bright, flashing signs. It’s fascinating in itself to watch people scurry about like tiny ants in an ant farm, always busy with something to do. It’s a constant cycle of movement that continues on, uninterrupted.

Shoma thinks part of the reason why Spirits are so interested in humanity is because human beings are creatures of constant change while Spirits themselves are subject to remain frozen in time. Or perhaps because it feels a little nostalgic watching over what they once were. For himself, Shoma leans more towards the former. It’s never really been much of a bother to Shoma before but he supposes things are not as they used to be. Shoma’s world has been thrown entirely off axis with no possible way of correcting it. The shift is so dramatic that Shoma finds it hard to remember who he used to be before Yuzuru. Meeting Yuzuru had been like Shoma had ascended to some other plane of existence, stripped away his former self and transformed into something else entirely. It sure feels different now as he stares out into the night.

The rain falls gently from the sky, a tiny drizzle that Shoma remains unbothered by. Droplets of water get caught in his messy hair, on his eyelashes. His breath turns into wisps of mist as he exhales slowly. Despite the cold, Shoma feels oddly warm. Where there was once an emptiness and vacancy inside, Shoma instead feels full. He reaches up to touch the warmth that has steadily grown since meeting Yuzuru. It pulses beneath his palm, sending little jolts of electricity that reach down to his fingertips. The flame in his chest flutters ever so slightly, as if acknowledging Shoma’s touch. Then he hears it. Soft, barely audible whispers. _‘Shoma? Shoma, are you there? Shoma?’_ Shoma whimpers, clutching onto his chest. Somehow the whispers are so much more heartbreaking than the screams. They twist the knife lodged in Shoma’s heart oh-so cruelly.

Shoma’s not sure how much time has passed since he left Yuzuru. It could be weeks or months. Maybe a year. He hasn’t really had the heart to check. He isn’t brave enough to just yet. He’s tried to block out most of Yuzuru’s cries and whispers for him. That in itself is difficult. He knows that if he were to look into the mirror now, his resolve to stay away from Yuzuru will crumble and that can’t happen. This is the only way to keep Yuzuru happy and safe. This is the only way to make sure Yuzuru gets the life he deserves. _I can’t go to you. You’ll get hurt_ . Shoma winces as the flame burns hotter, scorching him from the inside, almost as if admonishing him for thinking such things. _Please understand,_ Shoma pleads.

Suddenly, a hand clamps down gently on his shoulder. Shoma startles before relaxing at the familiar presence. This has also become a regular occurrence. Daisuke always seems to find him in these moments. He doesn’t really talk. He always just sort of sits there, quietly. Shoma isn’t sure if it really helps but he understands that it’s Daisuke’s way of providing support. Today, though, Shoma decides to break the silence. 

“Was it like this for you and Tatsuki?” Shoma’s voice is thin and brittle, coming out in a shallow whisper.

Daisuke turns to look at him, not at all surprised at the question. He merely raises a brow. “What do you know of me and Tatsuki?”

“Nothing in detail.” Shoma shrugs, wrapping his arm around himself. “But I know you care about him and I know he cares for you, too. Whatever happened between you two, did it hurt like this?”

“It did. Exactly like this.”

“Does it ever stop hurting?”

“No.” Daisuke says, honestly. “It doesn’t. I suppose that’s the consequence of caring for another person. There’s always a risk that you’ll be hurt. As long as you care, it will _always_ hurt.”

“I don’t know how to do this.” Shoma weeps, burying his face in his hands. “I don’t want to stop caring about him but it hurts so much, Daisuke.”

“I know it does.” Daisuke gives him a sympathetic smile. “While it doesn’t ever really stop hurting, I think it gets a little easier to manage. If you can accept it.”

“How do you deal with it? How are you so strong?”

“Oh, don’t be fooled, Shoma. I’m not strong.” Daisuke shakes his head. “If I was a stronger man, Tatsuki and I wouldn’t be seeing each other right now.”

“What?”

“Tatsuki and I were similar to you and Yuzuru. The Higher Ups didn’t approve of us. Anything that goes against what They define as Their code of conduct is punished. That goes for love. Love is not meant for us. We—“

“…aren’t meant to harbor any unnecessary human emotions because it distracts us from our purpose. Yes, I’ve heard this a thousand times over. It’s Their mantra.” Shoma rolls his eyes.

Daisuke chuckles. “You get it. Tatsuki and I weren’t human when we met, you see. They say we are not supposed to carry our humanity with us when we cross over. But I guess there must’ve been a glitch in the system or something. For whatever reason, the part of me that was supposed to have shut emotion down, was still very much alive. I was drawn to him. To Tatsuki. From the moment we first met, I’d say. And he felt the same. But we knew They’d never accept it, so we attempted to run away.”

Shoma jerks his head up, eyes wide in shock. For a moment, he allows himself the thought of swooping in dramatically to sweep Yuzuru off his feet and retreating to somewhere far, far away with him. But he knows that it isn’t logical or very rational. This isn’t some fairytale where Shoma can ride in on a noble white horse, scoop Yuzuru up like a damsel in distress and ride off into the sunset to live their happily ever after. The image, while highly entertaining, is not a possible outcome for them. They exist in a reality where happy endings are not an option. Yuzuru isn’t one to run away, either. He’s always been the one to tackle things head on with everything he is. Running away isn’t an option. Shoma’s not even sure Yuzuru feels the same way. There’s a chance that Yuzuru simply clings to him because he’s something familiar.

“It was a horrible idea from the start.” Daisuke pulls him out of his musings. “We were desperate enough to try it, though. In the end we didn’t make it very far. The Higher Ups put a stop to our plans before they could even really begin. The forced us apart for a long time and sentenced us to an eternity of servitude. I spent a long time avoiding him after our separation period ended. I thought it was too painful to be around him without being able to be with him the way I wanted to. I only visited him for business and only for a short amount of time.”

“Things are different now, though. You see him often, don’t you?”

“I do.” Daisuke’s lips curve upwards. “You see, as painful as it was to be around him, it was so much worse keeping away. It felt like I was literally splitting myself in two. In the end, my resolve crumbled and now I no longer have the will to stay away.”

“Tatsuki mentioned choices having consequences…we’ve seen how those consequences played out and yet you’re still willing to see him?’

“Yes.”

“I don’t understand why. Why put yourselves through that?”

“Tell me something,” Daisuke says, leaning back against the rail, “when you were with him, when you decided to continue seeing him despite everything, did you care about the ending?”

“I can’t say I completely let go of it all, but I suppose at some point those things started becoming less important. I just wanted to be around him.”Shoma smiles, wistfully. “I liked how I felt around him. He felt like home. I didn’t care about anything else. Which was obviously a mistake that _he_ paid. You both paid for the choices you made the first time and yet you’re still willing to possibly go through it again?”

“It’s not the same as last time though, little Shoma. Tatsuki and I know we can’t be together in that way. We know it’s a line we can never cross again. So, we won’t. That doesn’t mean we will ever stop caring about each other, though. I’ll continue to see him even if it will lead to nothing.”

“You don’t want more?”

“Of course I do. I want all of it. But sometimes, it’s enough to just be by his side at the end of the day. Sometimes that alone is everything, don’t you think?” Daisuke’s smile morphs into something tender, something vulnerable that tightens Shoma’s throat. “We were made to be a tragedy from the very start, Shoma. We’ve both made our peace with that. It hurts a lot, yes. But if this is the price I must pay to see him, to just remain by his side, I will pay it a thousand times over. Because to me, he’s worth it.”

Shoma’s stares at Daisuke, thoughtfully. “I think you’re a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for.”

“Not really.” Daisuke’s eyes twinkle. “I’m just a fool in love with another fool.”

* * *

 

Perhaps one of the things that will always impress Tatsuki about humans is their ambition. There are certainly those that don’t try to go after what they want in fear of falling short or those who try to chase after their dreams only to quit halfway through because at some point the road to that goal became much too treacherous. But there are those special individuals that continue to forge on no matter the circumstances, despite the hardships, the setbacks, or anything Fate decides to throw at them. Yuzuru Hanyu is one of those individuals.Tatsuki likens Yuzuru to that of a brilliant lotus flower thriving in an ugly, dirty, murky pond that blooms time and time again.

Tatsuki watches Yuzuru practice on the ice, as he’s watched him for the past couple of months. Yuzuru’s diligence in practices is incredible to say the least. He watches Yuzuru jump and fall, jump and fall, and fall, and fall. But no matter the number of falls, he continues to brush himself off and try again. Today, Tatsuki can see the frustration brewing beneath the surface, the pinch in Yuzuru’s face, his pursed lips and furrowed eyebrows. Despite this, Yuzuru never stops pushing.

It’s been a long time since Tatsuki has ventured to the Mortal Realm. He’s much more comfortable in his office, surveying the souls through the stars, but he feels like he owes it to Shoma and even to Daisuke to see for himself who Yuzuru Hanyu is as a human being and see if he can make sense of what is going on.

Tatsuki finds that what he’s seen of Yuzuru soul is much the same as who he is on the outside. He’s an absolute mess of contradictions. He is fire and ice. Light and shadow. Humble and greedy. Selfish and selfless. He is disaster and he is peace. His soul sometimes seems to be in a constant state of war with his two sides. He’s certainly a complicated sort of human being that doesn’t quite fit into any box in particular but Tatsuki supposes that’s just how humans work. It’s not human if it’s not at least a little bit complicated.

Tatsuki winces as Yuzuru falls for the nth time this session, crashing hard onto the ice. He sprawls out in the center of the rink, limbs akimbo. Yuzuru glares heatedly at the ceiling. Tatsuki swears he can see steam rolling off of him as he lays there. Yuzuru is still for a good minute, chest heaving and sweat glistening on his forehead, trickling down his neck. Strands of hair cling to his temples in inky tendrils. Eventually, Yuzuru rolls onto his knees, tapping the ice lightly with his knuckles before standing up again, brushing the ice shavings off. Tatsuki notices a visible limp as Yuzuru takes a few steps before continuing his stroking around the ice. He freezes as Yuzuru lifts his head, his eyes finding Tatsuki from behind the glass looking onto the rink.

 _Can you see me, too?_ Tatsuki stares back but Yuzuru doesn’t seem to be actually looking at him, but _through_ him and _around_ him. Tatsuki feels a lump forming in his throat. Yuzuru’s eyes carry a haunting loneliness for someone so young. _You’re looking for him, aren’t you?_ Tatsuki knows what that’s like. Looking for that familiar face, wanting, wishing and hoping that they’ll appear.

Yuzuru gives up his searching. He shakes his head before skating away, making a quick lap around the rink and launching into another jump. This time he lands it, flowing out of it nice and smooth. Yuzuru snaps his head up to the ceiling again, fire blazing in his eyes and a look that says, ‘watch me.’ It startles a laugh out of Tatsuki. He sees it now. How Shoma would be drawn to such a person who is just about as chaotic and beautiful as a storm.

As Yuzuru cools down, another skater approaches him, wrapping an arm around his shoulders and pulling him closer. Tatsuki’s eyes arrow. He knows this soul, too, as he knows every soul. If Yuzuru is a storm, Javier is the sunshine that follows after it. His soul is by far one of the brightest amongst Tatsuki’s stars. Destined for greatness. Despite how different Yuzuru and Javier are, perhaps under much different circumstances, in another universe, perhaps their stars could have— Tatsuki forces his thoughts to come to a screeching halt. He’s not here to evaluate their Fate. He’s here for observation, some research.

Tatsuki watches as the dark storm clouds hovering over Yuzuru’s head slowly dissipate. A sunny smile forms on his face as he playfully shoves at Javier’s chest. Javier responds by ticking Yuzuru who swats playfully at Javier’s hands. Tatsuki crosses his arms as he watches them. He’s noticed their strange dynamic over the course of the past few months. They’re close but there also seems to be a subtle distance between them. A distance that Yuzuru himself seems to create. Tatsuki can’t help but take pity on the poor Spaniard whose smile fades whenever Yuzuru looks away. _He’s got you trapped in his orbit as well, I see_.

Eventually, Yuzuru’s practice comes to an end. Yuzuru gathers up his things, bows deeply to his coaches, the staff, and a couple of other skaters along the way. He waves at Javier with a floppy hand and Javier waves back, enthusiastically, eyes bright and shining again.

Tatsuki follows Yuzuru out of the club. Yuzuru manages to catch the bus just as it’s about to leave the bus stop. Instead of going straight home, Yuzuru gets off at a stop near the park. It’s a strange break in character for Yuzuru, who usually sticks to a strict schedule of going to practice at noon and then going straight back home to study. He’s never taken a detour before. Yuzuru wanders through the park rather aimlessly, tugging his small suitcase with him, until he finds a bench to settle on near a large pond. The sky is cloudy and gray, hardly a good time to relax at a park. But Yuzuru doesn’t seem to mind it. Tatsuki takes a seat on the opposite side of the bench, keeping a considerate distance. A silence falls upon them as they watch a flock of swans swim idly on the pond’s surface, ruffling their gorgeous white wings every so often.

“So, how long do you plan on following me?”

Tatsuki stills. His eyes flicker to the side. Yuzuru isn’t looking at him but Tatsuki knows he’s talking to him. There’s no one else around. Perhaps he should have expected this from someone as strange as Yuzuru. Still, Tatsuki can’t help but utter, “You can see me?”

Yuzuru exhales a long, exhausted sigh. “Let me guess, I’m not supposed to, right? To be honest, it’s difficult. You’re a little fuzzy at the edges. Kind of like a smudged painting.”

“You aren’t afraid of me?”

“You definitely aren’t the first…whatever you are I’ve seen.” Yuzuru shrugs.

“You’ve seen another?”

Yuzuru nods. “His name is Shoma. Do you know him?”

It’d be easy for Tatsuki to lie and say he doesn’t know Shoma. To simply pretend he didn’t hear Yuzuru and whisk himself away to avoid further questioning. But looking at Yuzuru now, the way he seems to curl in on himself, shoulders hunched, fingers tangled into an anxious knot, and feet turned inward, Tatsuki decides that perhaps Yuzuru could do with a little honesty. “Yes, I know Shoma.”

Yuzuru lifts his head, eyes gleaming with hope. Tatsuki feels that lump in his throat grow and his chest tighten.

“How is he? Is he safe?”

“He is safe.”

Yuzuru deflates a little at that, letting go of the tension in his body. Tatsuki notes the way Yuzuru’s body language changes. His fingers untangle and his shoulders relax. He shifts so that he’s facing Tatsuki, inching just a little closer. “You really are like him,  then?”

“Sort of. We’re a little different.”

Yuzuru tilts his head slightly in silence inquiry.

“Unfortunately, I am unable to tell you exactly what that is.”

Yuzuru pouts.

Tatsuki rolls his eyes. Yuzuru still looks like he wants to ask more but he seems to restrain himself. Tatsuki decides to redirect the conversation. “I noticed you’ve been searching for him.” Tatsuki says, carefully.

“I guess I have.”

“Why?”

“Because I don’t want to give up on him.” Yuzuru reaches up to touch his chest. “Sometimes it’s like I can still feel him. His presence still lingers around me like a thick fog. It won’t go away.”

Tatsuki hums. “I’m sure in time his presence will fade and he will become nothing more than a fleeting memory until you forget him altogether.”

It’s a lie. Tatsuki knows it’s a lie. He knows that things like this don’t just disappear. He’s been there. But—

“Is it so hard to believe that some things stay? That not everything is so easily forgotten? Especially something precious?”

“You consider him precious?”

“Yes. He’s always been precious to me.” Yuzuru looks at him directly, his dark eyes intense. “Haven’t you ever had something precious to you?”

The look sends a shiver down Tatsuki’s spine. He’s not often affected by humans but the intensity in which Yuzuru seems to feel his emotions, the way he lays it out in the open, how his eyes seem to see right through you, is _a lot_. It’s overwhelming yet thrilling. Tatsuki can’t help but chuckle. Yuzuru frowns. “What’s so funny?”

“I can see what Shoma sees in you. I understand why he’d become so attached. You are an incredible human being, Yuzuru Hanyu. It’s a shame They cannot see that.”

“They?”

Tatsuki waves him off. Yuzuru shouldn’t and doesn’t need to know about these things. Not right now.

“I’m curious about something…” Yuzuru starts, fiddling with his jacket zipper.

“What is it?”

“Shoma told me once that people like you don’t have choices. Is that true?”

Tatsuki considers the question for a moment. The truth of the matter is rather complicated, after all. With the way things are _supposed_ to be, they are not supposed to have the ability to make choices. And more often than not, they are _forced_ to do things.

“Yes and no.” Tatsuki says, finally.

Yuzuru’s scowl deepens. “What does that mean? Either you have a choice or you don’t.”

“It’s not that simple for us. We operate differently than you humans do. We are subject to spend our existence doing our duties and nothing further. Our choices are rather limited.”

Tatsuki thinks about himself, about Daisuke and their choices. They have made made quite a few over the course of the past millennia and paid the price for those choices. The choices they make now are careful and considerate. The limitation of choices is another choice in itself when it comes to them.

“But you are capable of making choices…” Yuzuru insists.

Tatsuki sighs, relenting. “More or less, yes. Why are you asking about choices, anyway?”

“Because I need to know that Shoma made the choice himself to walk away. And not because of something else.” Yuzuru plays with one of the beaded bracelets on his wrist.

“And if he didn’t? If it’s not because of what Shoma wants but rather for your sake?”

Yuzuru’s expression darkens. “I don’t want to hear that. I don’t want to hear that he walked away for _my_ sake.”

“What if it was to prevent you from getting hurt?”

“Prevent me from getting hurt? I _am_ hurt.” Yuzuru stands up abruptly, turning his back to Tatsuki. “If his reason for walking away was to keep me from hurting, then sorry to say, but he’s failed.”

“He wanted to protect you—“

“Protect me?” Yuzuru whirls around, his voice hitching, taking on a hysterical edge. His eyes are blazing infernos. “I’m not a child! I don’t need his protection! I just need—“ Yuzuru chokes up, suddenly and retreats back into himself, turning away and shaking his head.

“Yuzuru—“

“If he wanted to ‘protect me’ from hurting, this isn’t the way. Running away is never the answer.”

“What should he have done then?”

“He should have stayed like he promised.”

Tatsuki watches in stunned silence as Yuzuru walks away without another word.

* * *

 

Shoma waits patiently outside of a hospital operating room. He stares at the patient lying on the operating table, a team of doctors hovering over them. His eyes flicker to the machine on the side, watching as the lines rise and fall. He counts down slowly in his head until that line goes flat and a long, steady beep is heard. Shoma’s in the room in a split second, hand reaching out towards the dying human.

It doesn’t take long to collect the soul. It willingly goes with him; a white flame pulsing in the palm of his hand. He’s due for a number of Collections today and so makes quick work of dropping the soul off before returning to his duties. He Collects a handful of elderly souls, a couple of younger souls, and one unfortunate child. It’s been a long time since he’s had to Collect one and he hasn’t even attempted to since— Shoma grimaces at the ache in his chest.

Still, he does as he’s supposed to. He enters the dark hospital room quietly. There are beautiful flowers placed all around the room, a couple of balloons, and a large quantity of adorable stuffed animals. He hears the sound of quiet, muffled sobs and turns his attention to the couple sitting beside a small hospital bed. There, laying completely still is a young boy.

Shoma steps forward, bowing low in apology even though they can’t see him. The closer he gets to the bed, the heavier his feet feel. His arm feels like it weighs a ton as he reaches out to Collect the child. As looks down at the frail child, he notices his soft, wispy black hair. For a moment, Shoma is taken back in time. To the first moment he ever met Yuzuru. He remembers Yuzuru’s own soft hair. He remembers the shock of touching him, remembers the excruciating heat, and then those dark, dark eyes opening to look at him. He remembers Yuzuru’s tiny hand reaching for him.

Yuzuru always seemed to be reaching for him. Even when Shoma could not touch him, Yuzuru didn’t hesitate to reach out. Because for Yuzuru, it was simple. He wanted to touch, so he did. He did any time he wanted to play, any time he wanted comfort, any time he wanted Shoma to stay. It didn’t matter that is was supposed to be impossible. Where impossible was concerned Yuzuru Hanyu did not care for such a thing.

A sudden warmth in his hand startles him out of his reverie. Shoma looks down at the soul he’s carrying. There’s that familiar sense of mute sadness but nothing more. No sense of connection. No attachment. It had been easy. As easy as any other Collection before it. So, Shoma carries on. Following the process of checking in with Mihoko who stops him for a moment afterwards to see if he’s okay. Shoma tells her he’s fine. Which is the truth. He is fine. Mihoko nods her approval and Shoma leaves her office.

With his Collections done for the day, Shoma steps out into the plaza and wanders into a patch of shadows. He has no particular destination in mind today, so he allows the shadows to decide for him. It turns out to be a mistake. An absolute mistake because the second the shadows fall away Shoma finds himself in Yuzuru’s bedroom. Shoma stills, holding his breath as he takes a quick survey of his surroundings. The room is completely dark, the clock on the bedside table reads 3:30AM, and Yuzuru is sound asleep. Shoma exhales, slowly.

“Shoma…”

Shoma’s goes rigid. He looks at Yuzuru who’s eyes are still closed. Yuzuru mumbles something else under his breath, tossing to his side, clutching onto his blankets tightly. His face is scrunched up into a painful grimace and in the moonlight, Shoma can see the shimmer of a tear rolling down Yuzuru’s cheek.

“Shoma, please…” Yuzuru whimpers.

Sleep talking. Yuzuru is sleep talking. Shoma’s brain finally manages to process what’s happening. He’s sleep talking and dreaming. Of Shoma. Shoma takes a couple of brave steps forward, his hands trembling and legs shaking. Yuzuru’s name is on the tip of his tongue.

“Please, please don’t go.” Yuzuru pleads, tossing and turning. Shoma aches to reach out, to run his fingers through Yuzuru’s hair, to touch his cheek and wipe away his tears, to curl in close and hold him tightly, and tell Yuzuru that he’s here.

Everything instinct within Shoma is screaming at him to take care of Yuzuru. To do _something._ Anything to soothe the pain he’s in. But just like before, just like every time before when Yuzuru had a nightmare, Shoma is unable to provide any sort of comfort. He can’t. All he can do is watch as Yuzuru suffers. That’s all Shoma seems to be capable of doing. Watching Yuzuru suffer and apparently being the cause of it.

Unable to take it anymore, Shoma retreats back into the shadows, willing them to take him somewhere far away. They drop him off at some snowy mountaintop in the middle of no where which works just as fine for Shoma. Out here, no one can hear him scream. He screams until his throat is raw and aching. Spent, he collapses onto his knees, panting. He slams his fist into the snow over and over again, cursing and growling. _Damn it, damn it, damn it!_ He hates this. He hates how this feels. He hates that he feels so fucking useless. Most of all, he hates that Yuzuru is in pain and he can do nothing about it.

Shoma looks up to the sky before closing his eyes, pressing his hands together. _I know you don’t play favorites. I know I have done nothing to make requests like this. But I beg for you to watch over him. Protect him, please. That is all I ask._

“You’re wasting your time, I’m afraid.” Shoma’s eyes flutter open. His hands fall into his lap, curling into fists.

“Tatsuki…”

“Considering the fact that I haven’t even been able to reach Them, means that They seem to be in a lockdown of sorts. They’re cut off from us, from the rest of the world.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means that They won’t be answering your prayers, Shoma. And even if They did, They wouldn’t honor it.” Tatsuki sighs, clasping his hands together behind his back. “But I wouldn’t worry too much about your boy, he’s quite strong. Very resilient.”

Shoma’s unable to stop the fond smile from forming on his face. “He is. The strongest.”

“I’ve been watching over him. We had a lovely little chat, actually.”

Shoma snaps his head up, scrambling to his feet. “Y-you talked to him? He could see you?”

“I was surprised to.” Tatsuki chuckles. “It’s not like I tried very hard to conceal myself. I didn’t think I needed to. Humans don’t look hard enough to see us, anyway. But he found me.”

“Wh-what did you say to him? What did he say to you?”

“It seems he misses you. He’s been searching for you.” Tatsuki turns to look at Shoma. “He considers you very precious to him.”

Shoma’s stomach coils.  He knows this. This isn’t a surprise. Yuzuru told Shoma once that he was precious and yet, hearing those words still haven’t lost their affect.

“He’s quite upset with you for breaking your promise.” Tatsuki doesn’t pull his punches. Shoma feels them slam into his gut, knocking the air from his lungs.

“I should have never promised him such a thing.”

Tatsuki hums. “And yet you did even while knowing how much of an empty promise it was. Why did you then? Why make promises that you knew you would eventually break?”

“I-I don’t know.”

“Yes, you do. You know why, Shoma.”

“Why are you asking? You were so against us, talking about consequences and whatever. What do you want from me now?”

“Honesty. Something you never gave him.”

Shoma clenches his jaw, fists shaking in anger. “What the fuck was I supposed to do? Tell him that I’m a Reaper? Tell him that he was never supposed to even take his first breath? Tell him that no one knows what’s going on with him or us? All I wanted was to protect him! What else was I supposed to do?”

Tatsuki remains infuriatingly calm. Talking to Tatsuki is so much more difficult than talking to Daisuke. Shoma feels like he’s going to explode. He’s so worked up and angry, and hurt, and—  “I can tell you why you made those promises.” Tatsuki says, calmly.

“Why?” Shoma grits his teeth.

“Because a part of you believed in it, too. Because there was a small selfish part of you that wanted it. Promises, even ones that were made to break, come from a place that is genuine, even if only to a small degree.”

“What’s your point?”

“You’re as much of a mess as he is. Maybe even more because you can’t even figure yourself out.”

“I don’t get you.” Shoma shakes his head in frustration. “You keep running hot and cold. First, you tell me to keep my distance. Then, you warn me about consequences and fulfilling our duties. And now you’re tossing that all out the window. Why the change?”

“Because of Yuzuru. I understand things a lot more clearer now.” Tatsuki smiles. “I apologize for the confusing advice. I was wrong.”

Shoma makes a noise of surprise. Tatsuki admitting he’s wrong? What kind of messed up alternative universe has Shoma stepped into? Tatsuki’s gaze is unwavering. He seems genuine in his apology, tilting his head down in a slight bow.

“I will not apologize for what I’ve said now, though. You lack honesty.”

“I couldn’t exactly be honest with him, now, could I? You act as if you’ve never made promises with Daisuke that you couldn’t keep.” Shoma waits for a reaction but he gets none. Tatsuki is as stable as always.

“Of course I have. But I was honest about them and wanting them. And at the time I _meant_ them.”

“Then you know how it is—“

“I know what it’s like to have promises broken. I know what it’s like to declare something that is bound to fail or end in ruin. However, I meant everything I’ve said. I said it because I _wanted_ it. There was never a flicker of doubt for me of what I wanted. Even now. I know what I want. I know that it can’t happen but that doesn’t stop me from wanting.”

“I-I don’t—“

“Daisuke knows what he wants. I know what I want. Yuzuru knows what he wants.” Tatsuki’s gaze turns heavy, containing things that makes Shoma squirm. “The question is, do you know what you want, Shoma?”

 _It doesn’t matter. I don’t have a choice._ Shoma looks down at his feet, unable to meet Tatsuki’s eyes. “Does it even matter what I want?” Shoma murmurs.

“Well, that depends on you, doesn’t it? Do you think it matters?”

Shoma doesn’t respond. Tatsuki hums softly before tapping his fingers to Shoma’s temple. “Much to think about, little Shoma.”

And then he’s gone.

Leaving Shoma alone on an snowy mountain top.

_‘Do you know what you want, Shoma?’_

_I don’t know. I don’t know._

* * *

Shoma fiddles with the mirror in hands, running his fingers along the edges of it, flipping it around, again and again. It’s been stuck on his mind since his conversation with Tatsuki. He’s still so unsure and contemplative about giving into this one small urge of his. It’s terrifying, wondering if perhaps this will open the floodgates and demolish every last restraint Shoma has left in him. He thinks about Yuzuru and that night he’d accidentally dropped by. He thinks about how Yuzuru called for him, cried for him and pleaded for him.

Shoma stops flipping the mirror and flicks it open. Immediately, Yuzuru appears in the glass. It appears that he’s just finished a skating competition, a triumphant smirk on his face. He’s grown so much between the time Shoma left him and now. He looks surer, more confident and refined. It fills Shoma with pride as he hears the scores. More world records for the miracle boy. He smiles as Yuzuru has a minor breakdown in the Kiss and Cry. “Why am I crying?” Yuzuru wipes at his face, smiling.

 _‘Did you see me? Did you see me, Shoma?’_  

Shoma bites his lip, eyes turning misty at Yuzuru’s voice echoing in his head. His heart is full and he feels better than he has in a long time. He’d forgotten what it was like to see Yuzuru smile. It’s a relief for Shoma to see Yuzuru looking so healthy and not at all banged up and bloody. He looks good. Beautiful. And he looks even better adorned with his new gold medal hanging around his neck. It hits Shoma then, like another blow to the chest that Yuzuru can do it without Shoma. He can do this on his own. He doesn’t need Shoma to hold his hand or stand next to him. Yuzuru is strong. He’s capable of far better things on his own without Shoma there to fuck it all up.

And yet, some selfish part of Shoma wishes to be there. He wants to be next to Yuzuru now, touch his face and kiss his cheek and tell him how wonderful he is. But he can’t. He can’t. _He can’t_ . Shoma closes the mirror, shutting his thoughts and Yuzuru out. Shoma cradles the mirror close to his chest for a moment. This is as close he will allow himself to get. This is safe. This is enough distance. He’s done it before. He can deal with this again. This is what he wants.

_Is it? Is this enough?_

_Yes, it has to be. It has to._

 

 

It’s become a habit again for Shoma to use the mirror. It’s like he’s travelled back to point in time when he didn’t really know Yuzuru yet and simply watched him from afar. Except it’s not like that at all because he does know Yuzuru now. He knows Yuzuru when he’s upset. He knows Yuzuru when he’s happy or sad or worried or anxious. He knows Yuzuru more than he knows himself. So, he also knows when Yuzuru is comfortable with someone. And it seems that he’s gotten much more comfortable with Javier.

Shoma doesn’t know if he just happens to tune in at the wrong moment or if perhaps Yuzuru and Javier are just _always_ together. He finds them smiling, laughing, and playing around with each other. It’s the same old, same old as it was when Shoma was lingering in the background, waiting for his turn with Yuzuru. Except this part isn’t the same, either. Because they’ve gotten closer.

Shoma sees the way Javier gently cradles Yuzuru’s face, the way he cups the back of Yuzuru’s neck when they go for a hug, the way his hands linger on Yuzuru’s waist for a second too long. Naturally, Shoma feels that knee-jerk spike of jealousy. This is nothing new. What is new is the way Yuzuru seems to lean into the touches now. The way he’s initiating more contact than he used to. How he clings onto Javier and how he seems to melt into Javier’s body. He sees the way they lean in close, whispering things that Shoma can’t hear, how they’re so often lost in their own little world.

Shoma finds them in the same position the next time he uses the mirror. They’re cuddled together in a dimly lit hotel room. Shoma pauses as he notices Yuzuru’s foot propped up on the coffee table. He notices slight swelling in his foot, a little bit of bruising around the ankle. _What did you do now?_

It doesn’t currently seem to be an issue for Yuzuru who is busy playing on his handheld gaming device, tongue is peaking out form the corner of his mouth as he concentrates on his game. Javier is pressed up against his side, a hand on Yuzuru’s lap and the other hanging casually around Yuzuru’s shoulders. They look good together, Shoma bitterly admits. And more than anything, Yuzuru looks content. Happy.

Suddenly, Yuzuru groans tossing his device aside. Javier laughs as Yuzuru whines about how he’s just died about the hundredth time. Shoma sees it in Javier’s eyes then, that low-simmering flame of desire that’s now less of simmer than it is a fully burning fire. It’s not a surprise. And yet, he can’t help but feel dread pool in his stomach as Javier makes his move, reaching to take Yuzuru’s hand in his. “Yuzu, can we…um…can we talk?”

Yuzuru laughs, nervously. “We’re talking now, aren’t we?”

Javier gentle knocks his knuckles against Yuzuru’s forehead, rolling his eyes, yet never losing that fondness in his eyes. “I’m trying to be serious, you brat.”

Yuzuru giggles. “Sorry, Javi. What you want to talk about?”

“Have you ever been in love?”

Yuzuru startles, eyes going wide. Shoma holds his breath as Yuzuru blinks, rapidly. His eyelashes flutter and his cheeks turn that pretty light pink. Yuzuru diverts his gaze away as he nibbles at his bottom lip. Javier licks his lips, scooting in a little closer. “I—sometimes when I watch you skate, you look so relaxed and at peace out there. Sometimes I see the way you close your eyes and it’s like you’re imagining some else there with you, next you, touching you.”

Yuzuru shakes his head. “Javi, I’m just skating. I—it don’t mean anything. I mean, I—“

Javier stretches forward, his fingertips grazing Yuzuru’s jaw, slotting just beneath his chin. Shoma digs his nails into his own thigh as he watches Javier caress the faint scar on Yuzuru’s chin. It’s so intimate and it makes Shoma feel sick. He should turn away, close the mirror and give them this space. But he can’t. He can’t look away. Some masochistic part of him needs to know how this ends.

“I love you.” Javier breathes.

Yuzuru makes this weird high-pitched noise, his eyes growing impossibly wider. The pink in his cheeks spreads to the rest of his face, to the tips of his ears. Javier just smiles, that trademark sunny smile that’s impossible to resist. Javier moves his hand to the back of Yuzuru’s head, his fingers gently curling into Yuzuru’s hair. Yuzuru is still stunned, mouth gaping open in shock. Javier leans in to rest his forehead against Yuzuru’s. “You have no idea how long I’ve been wanting to say that.”

“Wh-what you mean? How long—“

“Three years. I’ve been in love with you for the past three years.”

Yuzuru ducks his head low, closing his eyes. Shoma watches as Yuzuru breathes, in and out. Nice and slow as if he’s trying to mentally and physically prepare himself. Then, when it appears he’s feeling brave again, he lifts his head up, reaching out with both hands to hold Javier’s face. “Javi, you are best friend. You are very important to me. You know this, yes?”

Javier nods. “I’m always going to be by your side. I promise.”

“Don’t.” Yuzuru hisses out. His eyes turn icy as he pulls back, distancing himself from Javier. “Don’t say that. Don’t lie.”

“What?” Javier frowns, shaking his head in denial. He quickly takes Yuzuru’s hands in his. “It’s not a lie. I wouldn’t—“

Yuzuru squeezes Javier’s hands back, shaking his head again. “I’m sorry. I-I know. I know you don’t lie, I—“

“Yuzu?”

“You are my best friend, Javi. I do love you.”

Shoma feels everything come to a standstill. His heart stops beating. A soft, wretched noise he isn’t quick enough to stop escapes from his throat. His fingers claw deeper into his thigh, nails biting into his skin. But he doesn’t feel it. He doesn’t feel the pain. It doesn’t matter because in the next second, Javier is leaning forward and kissing Yuzuru.

Shoma suddenly can’t breathe. His hands are shaking as they clutch onto the mirror. There’s this horrible, nasty part of Shoma that wants to get in there, to shove their faces apart, to tear Javier away from Yuzuru. But then he sees Yuzuru’s eyes slowly close, the way he leans up for just a moment to return the kiss. It’s a slow, chaste kiss, just a soft brush of lips against lips but it’s enough for Shoma.

Unable to control the way his whole body is trembling violently, he drops the mirror. It falls, crashing against the pavement. Shoma doesn’t even bother checking to see if it’s broken. He doesn’t bother checking to see what happens after the kiss. He doesn’t need to. Slowly, he rises to his feet, his knees wobbling. He steadies himself on the bench he had been sitting on, gripping onto the wood so tight his knuckles turn white. Maybe Shoma should have been more prepared for this. He should’ve _known_ this would happen eventually and still, he struggles to keep himself steady, to stop himself from crumbling under the weight of those dreadful four words and the kiss.

Shoma forces himself upright, forces his body to stop shaking. He shuts his eyes, inhaling deeply. ‘ _Shoma? Shoma?’_ Shoma presses his palm against his head. He doesn’t understand. Why is Yuzuru calling for him now? Whatever. It doesn’t matter. Shoma let’s go of the bench and stumbles forward, fighting to keep himself balanced. He glances down at the mirror, miraculously undamaged, and picks it up. He doesn’t bother checking it. He just closes it and tucks it into his robes.

It doesn’t matter. None of it matters. Yuzuru doesn’t need him. He has Javier who Shoma knows will take care of him. He doesn’t need Shoma. He’s never needed Shoma.

 

 

As it turns out, despite what Shoma thought about Yuzuru not needing him, it seems he hadn’t been quite right about that, either. He’d thought that with Javier looking after Yuzuru, Yuzuru’s calls and cries would have lessened. But no. They haven’t lessened. In fact, Shoma thinks they have gotten _worse_ . He’s reaching his breaking point with how loud Yuzuru is being. Screaming instead of whispering. Where Yuzuru’s emotions were minuscule, they were now crashing into Shoma like massive tidal waves, again and again. Yuzuru’s anger. His sadness. His confusion. _Everything_.

Shoma can barely even see straight with everything that’s going on inside his head. He’s so fucking lucky that he’s done with Collections or else he’d been be in so much trouble for trying to complete his duties while under immense distress. Shoma doesn’t even know where all of this came from.

It started with the whispers, the quiet pleads, nothing out of the ordinary. But then just as Shoma had finished dropping off his last soul, he heard Yuzuru scream. A scream so sudden that it felt like a physical blow, causing him to double over. Shoma slams his fist into the wall, rubbing at his eyes. He takes a step forward and nearly falls flat on his face. Probably would have, too, if not for the hand gripping onto his elbow.

“Whoa, dude, are you okay?” Shoma turns sharply, vaguely able to make out the figure standing next to him.

“Itsuki…”

“You look like shit.”

“Itsuki.” Shoma warns, gritting his teeth.

“Sorry, sorry. What’s wrong?”

Shoma opens his mouth to respond but another scream knocks into him. He yanks his arm away from Itsuki, stubbornly trying to keep himself up on his own. The flame in his chest is burning hot and bright. It’s so intense that it nearly forces Shoma to his knees. It’s not really a steady burn, either. It comes in short and then long bursts of heat that wrack through Shoma’s entire body. He feels like his insides are melting. That accompanied with the screams and the incessant tugging, Yuzuru must be doing this on purpose. “Sho?” Itsuki says, warily.

“That little shit!” Shoma growls before disappearing in the blink of an eyes, leaving Itsuki blinking at the spot he’d just been in, incredulously.

Shoma reappears in a familiar apartment. He storms down the hall to the room he knows the source of his torment is. He slips inside ignoring the fact that it’s well into the night. Bundled up in the middle of the bed is Yuzuru who appears to be asleep. Shoma doesn’t care. He stomps towards the bed and tears the blanket away. Yuzuru’s eyes fly open. He quickly sits up, pressing his back against the headboard of the bed. His eyes are wild with fear and any other time Shoma would have stopped. He would have stopped and made sure Yuzuru was okay first. But he’s so pissed and angry and—

“What the fuck is your problem? Why are you doing this to me? You are killing me!” Shoma snarls.

The fear leaves Yuzuru’s eyes and is instead replaced with rage. Now _that_ makes Shoma hesitate. Yuzuru takes advantage of the distraction and Shoma isn’t quick enough to dodge Yuzuru as he lunges for him, grabbing him by the collar and tugging him forward onto the bed. Shoma blinks and suddenly Yuzuru is on top of him, breathing hard.

“What the fuck…”

“No. That should be _my_ line.” Yuzuru’s grip tightens. “What the fuck is _your_ problem?”

“You keep fucking with my head! I can’t deal with you Calling for me! I can’t fucking do my job with you constantly screaming and crying! So stop it! I’m not your damn guardian angel! Leave me alone!”

“No shit you aren’t my guardian angel! You think it took me this long to figure that out?” Yuzuru let’s go of Shoma, letting Shoma’s head flop against the pillows. “You think I wouldn’t have figured it out eventually all the times I called you and weren’t there?”

“You asshole, I have been at your fucking beck and call since _birth!_ Do you have any idea how hard it was to ignore you? How hard it is even now to stay away? I’ve been trying to fucking hard—“ Shoma hits his own chest, forcing himself to breathe. “I’ve tried so hard for you.” Shoma wheezes.

“Don’t!” Yuzuru glares. “Don’t say you tried when all you’ve done is run away and lie! That’s all you’ve ever done!”

“I have been trying to protect you! Everything I have ever done, I did for your sake! Maybe I did run and maybe I did lie but it was for you. To protect you.”

“How is that protecting me? How is lying to face protecting me?”

“Because you shouldn’t even be here right now!” Shoma shouts. His words echo around the room. The silence that follows, though, is deafening.

Yuzuru slips away, stepping off the bed. Shoma watches him carefully as he backs himself against the wall. There’s fear back in his eyes. “W-what?”

“When you were born, I was sent to retrieve your soul.” Shoma sits up and notes the way Yuzuru’s breath quickens. “However, when I tried to Collect you, I accidentally touched you, something that wasn’t supposed to be possible. And then something stranger happened. Normally, when I Collect souls, they willingly come with me. But not you. You fought me and then you saw me. After that, I was never able to touch you again.”

Yuzuru lifts a shaky hand, brushing at his hair the way he does when he’s nervous or overwhelmed. Slowly, he sinks to the ground, pulling his knees against his chest.

“For the past twenty something years our case has been in the hands of the Higher Ups. The great all-knowing beings that oversee everything. Ever since you fought me off, everything has been in this constant state of chaos that I never let you see or know about.” Shoma knows he shouldn’t be telling Yuzuru all of this but at this point in time, he’s so tired. Consequences be damned. “You weren’t given a guardian angel but for some reason we were connected, somehow. Somehow you were able to Call upon me, summon me at times if you really tried to. You were a child but you had so much power over me. I was there whenever you wanted me there.”

“I-I remember…” Yuzuru nods. “Somehow, I remember you playing with me. I remember you being there for my first steps. I remember showing you random bugs I thought were cool.”

Shoma can feel a smile beginning to take shape on his lips but he forces it down. “I couldn’t touch you. Any time I tried, I’d just slip through you. You were never bothered by it. You’d just smile that gummy smile and reach for me yourself.”

Yuzuru looks up, his eyes filled with unshed tears. “I just wanted you close. That’s all I wanted.

Shoma is taken aback by the unbidden want in Yuzuru’s eyes. The intense longing that he’s always tried to pretend wasn’t there. It shouldn’t be there. Especially with Javi—Shoma’s veins suddenly flood with ice. “It’s not the case anymore though. You have Javier now.”

“Javi?” Yuzuru frowns. “What are you talking about?”

“Don’t play dumb.” Shoma glares, sliding off the bed and coming to stand in front of Yuzuru. “I saw you. You kissed him.”

Yuzuru’s eyes narrow, dangerously. “What do you mean you _saw_?”

“I may not have been with you physically, but I always checked in on you. I always—“

“So, you just…watched? Did you see what happened after we kissed? Did you see the part where I pushed him away? Or the part where I turned him down?”

“What?”

“Yeah. I turned him down. I told him that I couldn’t love him more than friend. And then I cried and somehow he ended up being the one to comfort me despite the fact that I was the one who broke his heart.”

Shoma feels lost suddenly. Yuzuru scoffs and winces as he stand up, leaning back heavily against the wall. Shoma trails his eyes down to Yuzuru’s ankle that’s now wrapped up. _Another injury?_ “Your ankle—“

“Yeah, I fucked it up at NHK. Pretty awful timing with the Olympics coming up—“

“Olympics?”

 _Fuck._ Has it been that long? Shoma can’t stop staring at Yuzuru’s ankle. He knows that it’s not the same injury from the time he saw Yuzuru and Javi kissing. That must’ve been some time ago. This is new. Different. How many injuries has Yuzuru had over the years?

“I’ve lost count of the number of injuries I’ve had over the years. Too many to count and some that I’d rather forget.” Yuzuru limps back to his bed, sitting on the edge of it. “What I couldn’t forget, is that you promised to stay but you never did.”

“I was always with you in some way.” Shoma doesn’t turn around. “Through our connection, I was always there. I visited you when I could but I wanted to give you your space. It wouldn’t have been fair if you grew too attached to me. On someone that was never supposed to be a part of your life to being with. I’m not a guardian angel, Yuzuru. I’m a Reaper. You understand what that means, don’t you?”

“So, what then? Are you trying to tell me you’ve been hanging around me all this time waiting for me to kick the bucket?”

“No. No that’s not it.” Shoma finally turns around. “It means that this isn’t normal. What we have. This connection. None of this is normal nor does it make sense. You should have never known I existed.”

“Then why did you decide to play guardian angel? Why did you go through all that trouble?”

Shoma shrugs, helplessly. “I was drawn to you. It wasn’t right and I should have never revealed myself to you at all but I couldn’t help it. I wanted to protect you. As you grew up, I told myself that it would be better if I just stayed out of your life so you could be normal.”

“I don’t think my life has ever been normal. With or without you.”

“And that’s the thing. Sometimes I think that because I interfered so much in your life, I ended up fucking it up somehow. Our worlds were never meant to collide and because they did, it threw everything out of balance. So much so that no one knows what’s going on anymore. I don’t even know.”

“So, basically, I’m your mistake, then?” Yuzuru says, numbly.

“No!” Shoma says, quickly. “No, you are not a mistake. I’ve never thought of you like that. I-I’ve always thought of you as a miracle.”

“Really doesn’t look that way considering the fact that you’re saying all of this is a mistake.”

Shoma groans, clutching at his hair in frustration. He’s not doing this right. He’s not doing any of this right. Shoma’s never been good at words, he’s always stumbled over himself trying to get his point across. He wishes his thoughts were more coherent so that he can explain this to Yuzuru properly. “Look, none of this falls on you, okay. It’s me. I’m the one that screwed up by inserting myself into your life while selfishly ignoring the consequences. If not for me, what happened those years ago in China—“

“Wait,”Yuzuru stops him, “are you seriously blaming that freak accident on yourself? You’re joking, right?”

Shoma just stares. Yuzuru huffs, his expression morphing into one of annoyance. “You are absolutely ridiculous! Is that why you dropped the bracelet off I gave you and disappeared? Because you thought you were the cause of all of that?”

“But I was. The Higher Ups—“

“So, are you claiming that all my injuries after that were because of you? The infection? The foot injury? The ankle injury? Are you seriously saying all of that was because of you?”

_Infection? What?_

_“_ I-I mean They promised to leave you alone after Cup of China if I left..I—“

“I can’t believe you!” Yuzuru’s body is trembling now. Shoma can see and feel his mounting rage. “That’s why you ran! You ran because you thought you were the reason for me getting hurt? Here’s a lesson for you about humans since it really does seem like you’ve forgotten. Humans get hurt. Accidents happen. Injuries happen. It can happen to anyone and at any time and you know what? Sometimes it has nothing to do with Fate. Shit just happens! It’s normal! It’s life!”

“But—“

“Unless you’re blaming yourself for the earthquake, too?”

“No, but—“

“Bad things just happen, Shoma. It’s got nothing to do with you or your crazy bosses. Yes, I was hurt. But you know what hurt the most?”

Shoma swallows, slowly moving backwards.

“What hurt the most was that you weren’t there! I woke up in that cold hospital room and you weren’t there. Why weren’t you there?” Yuzuru demands. “ I _needed_ you. I cried for you and you weren’t there.”

“No, I—“

“What? You watched over me? You watched me cry over you? You watched me suffer through Hell and stood back and did nothing? I believed in you! I needed you and what were you doing? Oh, right, running away and hiding!”

“What else could I have done, Yuzuru?” Shoma shouted back. “I couldn’t comfort you. I couldn’t even touch you the way Javier could. I couldn’t—“

“Don’t bring Javi into this! He’s got nothing to do with this!”

“But he was there. He could touch you. Hold you. Love you the way I never could. I—“

“Stop it! Stop talking about things you couldn’t do!” Yuzuru shouts over him. “Do you know what the only difference is between you and Javi?”

“What—“

“I can tell you that it’s got nothing to do with touch. The only difference between you and Javi is that he was there! He was there and you weren’t! While you hid, telling yourself nonsensical bullshit, he was there! And you know, despite that, I still wanted you and you ran away!”

“I couldn’t do anything else! Why don’t you get that?” Shoma screams. “I am not yours! And you are not mine!”

“Only because you keep running!” Yuzuru gets up from the bed, stalking towards Shoma. Shoma backs up, moving until he’s pressed against the wall, pinned there by Yuzuru’s eyes. “Why don’t you get it? Why don’t you see it? Now that I know all of this, now that I know our connection isn’t just something in my head, I _get_ it. Why can’t you see it?”

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“I have been fighting to keep you close since birth! I’ve wanted and ached for you. I could have been yours!”

“You don’t know that! It’s not possible—“

“Don’t tell me what’s possible or impossible! You said it yourself. No one knows what all of this means. So how can you possibly know for sure? Because I can tell you that despite all that you’re telling me about how wrong all of this is, nothing has ever felt more right than you being next to me. _Nothing_ has ever made me feel safer and more complete than you. So, tell me, how this can be wrong?”

Shoma doesn’t know what to say or even know where to start. He feels like he’s going through another state of shock hearing all the things. Yuzuru is confessing everything that Shoma’s felt about Yuzuru. _How can any of this be wrong when it feels so right?_ Shoma breathe hitches when he realizes that Yuzuru is standing directly in front of him, chest heaving. “Yuzu…” Shoma whispers.

And then Yuzuru is surging forward, pressing his lips to Shoma’s. Shoma gasps as Yuzuru pushes himself against him. He whimpers as Yuzuru kisses harder, nipping and tugging his with teeth. He moans as Yuzuru’s hand comes up to cradle the back of his neck, his fingers tangling in Shoma’s hair. Shoma has half a mind to kiss back with just as much force and desperation but he never gets the chance because Yuzuru is already pulling away.

They stay there, pressed together, panting harshly, eyes locked with each other. Shoma searches through Yuzuru’s eyes that have always been open books, looks past the anger and frustration, and sees love. Shoma’s lifts his hand, his palm hovering near Yuzuru’s cheek. “I just wanted you to have the world like you deserve.”

Yuzuru’s hands fall away, going limp at his sides as he takes a step back. Gone is the fire in his eyes. Now there’s just profound sadness. “You wanted me to have the world but I wanted you to be a part of it, Shoma.”

“Yuzu—“

“I was in love with you, Shoma. I loved you like I never loved anyone else. I couldn’t love Javi because I still clung to the naive hope that you’d return.”

“I—“

“But now,” Yuzuru’s eyes turn dull, lifeless. It sends a chill down Shoma’s spine. He’s never seen this look before, “now, you can fuck off.”

Yuzuru’s call echoes loudly inside his head, reverberating in his skull. It feels like Yuzuru has personally taken a hammer and is trying to split Shoma’s head open. But then the pain is gone, suddenly, leaving a startling hollowness that Shoma thought he’d never feel again. Shoma quickly reaches up to his chest, to the fire but it’s gone. There’s no warmth. No heat. Nothing.

“W-what did you do?” Shoma’s rasps.

“You know, I have had to fight every damn day of my life. For everything. You were so easy to be around. You felt like home when I was with you. For the first time, I had hope that you could be the one thing I didn’t have to fight for. But I was wrong. Just like with everything else, I had to fight.”

“Yuzuru, please…”

“I fought for you and you ran. No matter how hard I tried to reach for you, you never reached back.” Yuzuru’s voice cracks. “I am done, Shoma. I’m done chasing. I’m done fighting. I’m tired. I’m so fucking tired.”

“No. You can’t…”

Shoma’s mind is frantic, trying to make sense of what is happening. He’s keeps trying to find that warmth within in himself but it’s gone. It’s snuffed out. He can’t even feel Yuzuru anymore. Yuzuru laughs then, humorless and cruel. The apartment suddenly seems so much more colder. “This is what you wanted, isn’t it? To be free from me? To carry on with your duties without me screaming in your head?”

“No, please, I—“

“I’ve given you what you want. You’re free.” Yuzuru smiles, coldly. “Now you can be _normal_.”

“This isn’t what I wanted—“

“Stop. Just go. I don’t want to hear anymore.”

Shoma touches a pool of shadows on the floor, his eyes transfixed on Yuzuru. He bows his head low, fighting back the urge to scream at Yuzuru. Instead, he goes without a fight, slinking back into the shadows. Just as he’s about to let the shadows take him, he sees Yuzuru fall to his knees, clutching painfully at his chest.

And then Shoma feels like he’s being torn in half.

 


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which things start to fall into place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, guys! Originally, I had intended to make this the last chapter but it just got to be too long so I split it. Hopefully, you all don't mind. 
> 
> As you can see, the rating for this fic has changed as well as some tags. With that being said, this is a rated chapter. Idk how to write smut, so...I apologize in advance. Lol. Sex aside, this chapter kind of got out of hand and somehow we're at 12k. So....whoops, I guess.
> 
> This one goes out to @K1mHeechu1 for being a constant pillar of support and also as a congratulations for passing your exam! Congratulations and hope you enjoy this chapter most of all!
> 
> Will probably have to come back and edit later. Just wanted to toss this out there before I delete it and rewrite it for the tenth time....ENJOY!
> 
> Feel free to follow me on my official Tumblr https://of-feathers-and-bowstrings.tumblr.com/

Shoma feels like the wind has been knocked out of his lungs. It’s a feeling so intense, he can’t even bring himself to scream, like there’s something lodged in his throat preventing any sound from slipping out. His stomach is coiled into tight knots that cause him to hunch inward. The heat that threatened to burn him from the inside is nothing compared to the icy, cold frost that’s encasing his heart, his lungs, and is rapidly flooding his veins. His head throbs—a dull ache in comparison to everything else. Shoma’s body trembles almost violently as he doubles over, wrapping an arm around his middle. Shoma stutters out a strangled breath. He clenches his jaw to stop his teeth from chattering. As he lays there, he wonders if this is what death feels like.

“Shoma?” Shoma stiffens when he hears Mihoko’s voice. He opens his mouth to speak, but nothing comes out. “Shoma!”

Mihoko’s footsteps clack loudly against the marble floor of the lobby as she rushes to him. Shoma hisses as her hand comes in contact with his shoulder. Her touch feels like a thousand needles stabbing into his skin. And then there’s a searing pain that rips through his chest, like a knife carving him open. Bright white light flashes behind his eyelids and then the world goes dark as Shoma shatters into oblivion.

There’s someone crying. Shoma blinks his eyes open, slowly sitting up to look around. Shoma shakily rises to his feet. Everywhere he looks is cloaked in shadow. It’s like Shoma’s trapped in a void. It’s cold, eerie, and so, so empty. There’s that faint whimpering again that makes Shoma turn around. There, he finds a young Yuzuru bundled up in blankets on a hospital bed. Shoma’s heart sinks.

“Shoom?” Yuzuru whispers, sad, large eyes searching frantically for Shoma. Shoma tried to move towards him but he can’t. There’s a wall keeping him out. It’s like Cup of China all over again. Shoma presses his hand against the invisible wall helplessly. “Shoom? Where are you? You promised stay. Why you leave? I-it’s cold here, Shoom. Please, come back.”

Shoma bites the back of his hand, choking back a sob. The image shifts to a much worse sight. Yuzuru is wrapped in bandages, his eyes sunken and his skin deathly pale. Yuzuru’s eyes are wild, filled with so much hurt and genuine fear.

“Shoma, please don’t do this. I’m so scared, Shoma, please.” Yuzuru clutches onto the beaded bracelet he’d once gifted Shoma, holding it close to his chest like a precious treasure. “Please don’t hide from me. I need you. I’m so cold, Shoma.”

Shoma feels everything come crashing down on him. It feels as if someone dunked him in an ice bath and slapped him right in the face. The realization of what he’s done twists the knife further, piercing deeper, cutting mercilessly. It makes him sick to his stomach and make Shoma want to tear his hair out. Frustrated, Shoma slams his fist against the wall. The vision of Yuzuru cracks, breaking into a million pieces at Shoma’s feet. He’s suddenly jolted back to reality and finds himself in Tatsuki’s office. He immediately, notices Tatsuki sitting beside him, his expression grim. Daisuke is there, too, sitting among a pile of scrolls.

“There’s no easy way to say this, but…” Tatsuki sighs, massaging at his temples, “Yuzuru’s star has disappeared from my sky.”

Shoma sits up, abruptly. “W-what?”

“Normally, I wouldn’t be concerned because he has a habit of hiding, but this is different. I saw his star go out, Shoma.”

Shoma touches his chest, clutching onto the front of his robes. He tries to reach out through the bond, but it’s futile. It’s just…not there. It’s gone. He can’t feel Yuzuru at all. Shoma’s gotten so used to having Yuzuru’s warmth that he doesn’t know how to be without it. He can’t feel Yuzuru’s emotions, or his anger, or sadness. There’s nothing to feel. It’s like being in that dark place, so empty and cold.

 _‘I’m so cold, Shoma.’_ Yuzuru’s words echo in his ears. He buries his face in hands. Shoma feels like the very universe is collapsing and that he’s the sole cause of it. “He was so scared,” Shoma says, “he was so terrified and alone. I did that to him. I made him feel that way.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I thought leaving him alone was the best thing but it didn’t help anything.” Shoma’s face twists in anguish. “I hurt him. I made him feel this every single time I blocked him out. I wasn’t even protecting him in the end. I just hurt him.”

“What happened, Shoma?” Daisuke stands, brows knit in concern. “Why is Yuzuru—“

“He cut me off.” Shoma hiccups a sob. “H-he broke our connection. He was so furious with me. I’ve never seen him so mad.”

“He broke your connection? That’s impossible—“

Tatsuki holds up his hand. “I think we can all agree that the word ‘impossible’ and Yuzuru Hanyu simply do not belong in the same sentence.”

“He’s been hurting for years because of me. I left him completely alone in the dark without knowing.” Shoma’s fingers dig into his thighs. “He’s been suffering so long because of me.”

“Look, Shoma whatever happened, whatever went wrong with you both, you need to fix it.” Tatsuki kneels in front of Shoma, placing a firm hand over Shoma’s own. “The Higher Ups are even more furious of the idea that he can’t be tracked down. It makes him too powerful.”

Shoma’s expression goes stony. “Let Them be furious. Let Them not know a damn thing about him. It’s better for him, isn’t it? That way They can’t fuck with him anymore.”

“They may not be able to keep track of him or intervene, but Shoma, there are consequences for having an unbound soul wandering around with no connection to the Afterlife.”

“What are you saying?” Shoma frowns.

“All souls are connected to the Afterlife, Shoma. That’s how they’re brought back here, that’s how we keep track of them.” Tatsuki goes back to his desk to look through an open journal. “I’ve been doing research and I’m still unsure of many things, but every soul’s connection exists through a Guardian and a Reaper.”

“But Yuzuru doesn’t have a Guardian—“

“No. Because he diverged from his Fate. His Fate was supposed to start and end with you. All he had was you.” Shoma feels numb all over. “Now, he has nothing. He may be free from the Higher Ups but without a connection to the Afterlife, I’m afraid that if your bond isn’t restored, if something should happen to him, there will be nothing keeping his soul anchored.”

“What do I do? How do I fix this?” Shoma looks back and forth between Daisuke and Tatsuki for answers. He finds none. They’re both as lost as he is.

“I don’t know, Shoma. It depends on Yuzuru. He holds all the cards this time. With this star going out, his entire Fate is in his own hands. We can’t touch him. He is lost to us.”

“Listen,” Daisuke places his hands on both of their shoulders, “we just have to do what we can, okay? Tatsuki and I will continue researching to figure out what the fuck is going on. Shoma, do what you can to patch things up with Yuzuru. Reach out to him if you can.”

“What if he hates me? What if he never forgives me?”

“Try. That’s all you can do.” Daisuke says, gently. “If he won’t accept, then that is his choice. But at least you tried.”

Shoma nods, solemnly.

“It’ll be okay, Shoma. Have faith.”

“I’ll try.” Shoma says, before teleporting away.

* * *

 

Perched on a lone, snowy mountain top, Shoma sat for some time. There was a part of him that thought of immediately going back to Yuzuru, to get down on his knees and beg for forgiveness if need be, to be ask to be let back in. But that hadn’t happened. No, Shoma let fear dissuade him. So, now, he’s here, isolated in the mountains. He isn’t ready to face Yuzuru yet. He’s not prepared to deal with the emotional backlash from Yuzuru. He isn’t ready to see the ice in Yuzuru’s eyes again.

He reaches for his chest again. It’s still much of a shock to Shoma to feel nothing. It’s strange for Shoma’s mind to be devoid of Yuzuru’s whispers; to go from feeling so much to feeling nothing at all. Now, all that he feels, comes from himself. For the past twenty-three years, Shoma has been the one in control of this bond between them, carrying an unfair advantage in simply knowing it exists yet choosing to neglect it when necessary. In the early days, Yuzuru probably had no idea what any of it meant or even really knew about his connection to Shoma. But he’d felt it. He’d felt it every single time Shoma ignored him.

There’s this bubbling anxiety rising inside of Shoma that Yuzuru could be hurt, or scared, or in danger and Shoma would never know. For all Shoma knows, for all anyone knows really, Yuzuru could be bleeding out somewhere all alone and dying. There’s so much uncertainty. It’s terrifying. On the other hand, He considers Tatsuki’s words, about Yuzuru being lost to them. Yuzuru has no bond or connection to the Afterlife. His soul is free, unshackled from the chains of Fate itself. Yes, there’s danger in that because if something happens, Yuzuru will be doomed to roam the earth as a lost soul. Yet, the idea of Yuzuru being free isn’t all that appalling to Shoma.

 _And what should happen if something happens to him? He’s free but he is also lost_ , the rational part of his brain tries to reason. He knows it’s right. He knows it isn’t a good thing, that it isn’t that simple. But it’s also not simple for Shoma to just insert himself in Yuzuru’s life again after Yuzuru kicked him out of it. Shoma doesn’t even have the right to ask to be let back in after what he had put Yuzuru through. Yuzuru had begged him to stay so many times, and each time, Shoma walked away. So, perhaps, trying to repair the bond isn’t what Shoma can do right now. Not when everything is still so fresh and fragile. Not when Yuzuru is probably still upset. But, Shoma reasons that, perhaps he can atone for a bit of the hurt he’s caused. He decides that maybe he’ll start playing the Guardian role for real, watch over Yuzuru properly, if only to protect his soul.

And, if at all possible, Shoma hopes that one day, Yuzuru will call his name again.

* * *

 

With Yuzuru having no connections, meant that Daisuke’s mirror no longer worked. Shoma should have expected this, yet it still makes his stomach drop to know that Yuzuru is truly unreachable. It’s like he’s hidden himself away from the world. No one knows what he’s doing. No one knows his current status. It’s a guessing game at this point. It leaves Shoma with only one option.

To seek Yuzuru out personally.

It takes some time for Shoma to work up the courage to do so. When he does, it takes more brain power on his part, remembering how to get to Yuzuru. It had been easy before to find him. Their connection made it easy to track him, to be where Yuzuru was in an instant. Now, Shoma has to navigate through the dark and hope he eventually turns up where Yuzuru is.

It takes a couple of tries before Shoma gets frustrated for landing somewhere completely random. The way teleportation and shadow traveling works is by having a specific destination in mind. Shoma’s used to traveling to Yuzuru based on thinking only of Yuzuru. He never gave much thought about the location. Eventually, Shoma gets it right and sighs in relief when he appears in the TCC lounge. He scans the ice for that familiar slim figure in black. It doesn’t take long. Shoma’s eyes are naturally drawn to Yuzuru.

Yuzuru is there, in the corner of the rink, skating in small circles. There are dark bags under his eyes and he looks like he hasn’t gotten a good night’s sleep in decades. His hair is long, almost shaggy looking, falling into his eyes. He looks so out off it, ruffled. Shoma feels tiny pin pricks in his heart. He winces as Yuzuru does. It doesn’t look like his ankle is any better. He isn’t doing any jumps, just leisurely stroking around. Shoma holds his breath as Javier skates past Yuzuru. He watches as the Spaniard reaches out to touch the nape of Yuzuru neck, a familiar gesture that nearly makes Shoma’s blood boil, but he’s taken aback when Yuzuru flinches away from the contact as if burned. Shoma sees the unmistakable hurt in Javier’s eyes and then the regret in Yuzuru’s.

Yuzuru bites his lip, bowing his head in low apology before skating away. Javier lifts a hand to reach for him but Yuzuru is already getting off the ice, quickly putting on his skate guards and running off into the locker room. Shoma stands there, just gauging Javier’s expression, his reaction. There’s hurt for sure, but also a low-burning anger. He watches a little longer as Javier speaks to Brian before going off to do a run-thru of his program. Shoma walks to the door leading to the rink. He debates about running after Yuzuru but he never gets the chance. Because the door opens and Yuzuru is standing there before Shoma. Shoma freezes, heart stopping in his chest. _Shit…_

Everything slows down, then. Shoma sees Yuzuru walking towards him in slow motion. There’s no emotion in his eyes. “Yuzu—“ Shoma gasps as Yuzuru walks straight through him.

Shoma spins around to watch Yuzuru pause for a moment. He sees a slight tremor go through him but Yuzuru only shakes his head before continuing on his way without any acknowledgement towards Shoma. It hits him like a ton of bricks. Yuzuru can’t see him anymore. Now, Shoma isn’t the special one with an impossible bond to an extraordinary human being. He just an average Reaper.

It is a truly bitter pill to swallow, knowing he doesn’t really mean anything special to Yuzuru anymore. _But this is what you wanted, isn’t it? I thought you wanted to be ‘normal?’_ His inner voice mocks. He wants to tell it to shut up but he knows this is exactly what he asked for. Not just normalcy for himself but for Yuzuru as well. This way, Yuzuru really, truly can be normal.

It does make things a little easier for Shoma to watch over Yuzuru now without the fear of being seen. He can sit at the edge of Yuzuru’s bed as Yuzuru studies his notes, doing all the off ice training he can. He can stand at a distance, heart in his throat, as he watches Yuzuru sob into his mother’s arms after his nth breath down for being unable to practice and skate the way he wants. He can sit across from Yuzuru in the club lounge and just watch Yuzuru eye Javier’s jumps with a mix of admiration and envy.

Shoma knows that deep down this isn’t getting him anywhere but the contentment he feels just being in Yuzuru’s presence is already so much. It hurts to see Yuzuru look so exhausted, to see him brush everyone off and retreat in to the deepest parts of his own self where no one can seem to reach him. What isn’t easy about all this, is for Shoma to stand by, simply watching like this knowing he contributed to Yuzuru’s grief. There are ever growing cracks in Yuzuru that makes Shoma want to hold him close, to hold him together but that’s not his place. Any hopes that Shoma had in at least Javier helping Yuzuru has gone out the window. Yuzuru doesn’t even let Javier touch him anymore. Yuzuru barely lets anyone touch him aside from his mother.

It’s frustrating for Shoma to watch this day by day. Nothing changes. Yuzuru doesn’t get any better. At some point, the air between Javier and Yuzuru turns heavy and thick with tension, so much so, that Brian has to end up training them in separate rinks. Shoma’s there for Yuzuru’s private lessons with Brian or Ghislain. He watches Yuzuru run thru is programs, always just steps and spins. Yuzuru hasn’t been able to jump at all. There’s still so much pain even for a single toe loop. Shoma knew Yuzuru’s injury was bad since he saw it but he had no idea it was _this_ bad. It makes the future look bleak with the Olympic Games just a month away.

Still, in the grand scheme of things, the Olympics seem so minuscule to Shoma, personally. He doesn’t care about the Olympics or some stupid gold medal. He only cares about Yuzuru. He only cares about whether Yuzuru is able to pull through each day. He knows how much it utterly destroys Yuzuru for things to be like this, to be unable to compete to his fullest capacity. He prays that Yuzuru’s body holds up, because Shoma is certain that if it doesn’t—well, he dares not venture there.

On one of the nights Shoma stops by, Yuzuru is having another nightmare. He writhes and whimpers, fingers twisting and clawing into the sheets. Yuzuru’s breathing is rapid, just the slightest bit wheezy. Shoma quickly sits beside Yuzuru, hovering his hand over Yuzuru’s. The last thing that needs to happen right now is for Yuzuru to suffer from an asthma attack.

“Yuzu, hey,” Shoma says, gently, “I know I’m non-existent to you now but  if you could just hear me this once, please, please breathe.”

Yuzuru twitches.

“You may not see me, you may not need more anymore, but I’m here. I know you’re hurt. I know you’re scared. I don’t blame you.” Shoma watches as Yuzuru starts to calm down, his body relaxing against the bed. His face is still pinched, tightly. “I-I’m scared, too. I’m scared for you. I know how much you want this. You don’t need it, but I have faith in you. I believe in you. You create miracles. Yuzu, you _are_ a miracle. I will always stand by this.”

Slowly, but surely, Yuzuru’s features begin to smoothen out. His body relaxes against the bed. A wobbly smile forms on Shoma’s lips. “Can you hear me, after all? If you can, know this. You are strong. You are powerful. You are brave. You are a storm, Yuzuru. I shouldn’t encourage it but I will, anyway. Don’t let anything or anyone stand in your way. Even me. Forget me, if you must. If it will help. Let it all go, Yuzuru. Whatever it takes to get you where you want to go.”

By this time, Yuzuru’s had lolled back against the pillow. He’s snoring a little which makes Shoma’s smile grow fonder. “Goodnight, Yuzu. Sweet dreams.”

Shoma slips off the bed, bows low before taking his leave for the night.

* * *

 

Tatsuki spends a lot of time staring at the stars floating around his room. He’s sitting reclined at this desk, arms folded over his stomach. He watches as they flit and flutter around, joining together with other stars and growing brighter, or watching some fall and burst into stardust. He watches stars cross paths and dance around each other before going on their merry way. Yuzuru’s star has yet to return to his sky.

Every day, Tatsuki tries to search for him but to no avail. Yuzuru never appears. A part of him misses the days when he had to chase down Yuzuru’s star, the days when his star would play hide-and-seek or make strange jerky, abrupt movements everywhere, as if he isn’t sure about what he wants. As if his soul was being pulled into different directions. Tatsuki sits up, suddenly, hit with an epiphany. He stands from his desk to walk over to his book shelf, accidentally kicking Daisuke and startling him awake from his nap.

“W-wha? What’s going on?” Daisuke yawns.

Tatsuki doesn’t answer. He runs his fingers along the spines of the second row of books. He stops when he finds what he’s looking for. He pulls out a journal and flips through the contents of it. It’s a record book, a log of sorts that keeps track of each soul’s individual movement. Eventually, he finds Yuzuru’s page. There’s fluctuations everywhere and never a steady pattern.

“Have you found something?” Daisuke peers over his shoulder, squinting his eyes at the page. “What is it?”

“Yuzuru’s soul patterns. He has no path, so I expected it to be a mess, but this is extreme.” Tatsuki frowns at the contents. Yuzuru’s soul is never in a single quadrant like most stars. Tatsuki has always known this but he did not know how dramatic the change was. “Look, here, he appears in the upper left at first, drops to the lower right, lingers in the middle for some time, then bounces back and forth between right and left, up and down. It’s bizarre.”

“What do you think it means?”

“I have several ideas. But the chance of that are—“

“Impossible?” Daisuke raises a brow. “I thought we were past that?”

“I suppose you are right.”

Tatsuki puts the record book away and takes out another one. He sets the book on his desk. The Book of Souls. He looks through the table of contents before flipping to the correct page. Daisuke’s eyes widen when he realizes what Tatsuki’s looking at. “You think they—“

Tatsuki shakes his head. “I don’t know but it’s worth a try to find out for sure. It’s a possibility. One that I’ve had for a while but I wasn’t sure. I’m still not but, it’s all I’ve got to go off of right now.”

“The Higher Ups stopped it, though. They made sure such a thing wouldn’t ever happen.”

“There are many things Yuzuru Hanyu has done that aren’t supposed to happen. Why should we rule out that perhaps he’s defied another impossibility?”

“And if you’re right about all of this? If it turns out to be true, what will happen then? Shoma is a Reaper, he can’t—“

“If he were to possess a human soul, he can.”

Tatsuki and Daisuke look at each other. There’s a mix of nervousness and excitement in the air. They can feel it growing by the second, the hairs on the backs of their necks rising. “Contact Shoma. Tell him we may have found something.”

Daisuke smiles, the first genuine smile since his drama started, and shimmers away.

* * *

 

During the few weeks leading into the Olympics, Yuzuru finally starts jumping again. It seems there’s been another change in Yuzuru. He looks less tired but still intensely focused. He doesn’t drill his jumps as he normally does. Rather, he’s patient, doing what he can, little by little. Yuzuru remains calm on the outside as he goes thru his practices. There’s this air about him that’s very different. The jagged edges that threatened to stab anyone within proximity during these past months have been sanded down, smoothed over now. Yuzuru is tempered, controlled, but Shoma can see the storm brewing in Yuzuru’s eyes. He’s hungry for the Olympic gold more than anything else.

He’s back to practicing with Javier again. There’s still lingering tension but Shoma sees it beginning to wind down. Their smiles are a little easier now, much lighter. He notices that there’s definitely a shift between though. Javier doesn’t touch Yuzuru unless Yuzuru touches him first, like he needs approval beforehand. Shoma is conflicted about it. Mostly because he knows that this isn’t their norm, yet there’s this ugly feeling of satisfaction in knowing that Yuzuru has set unspoken boundaries between them.

Before Shoma knows it, it’s the day of the short program. Yuzuru is looking good, calm and collected. It has been some time since Shoma’s been at a competition. He’s forgotten about Yuzuru’s aura, how it wraps around him like a shield and sends out warning signals to anyone in vicinity. Yuzuru looks every bit of the warrior he is. There’s no trace of the vulnerable Yuzuru Shoma saw months prior. Now, he is as strong and steady as an archer’s bow.

The six minute warm up is over too quickly and yet not fast enough. Shoma’s fingers are tangled into anxious knots. The arena goes silent as the reigning king takes to center ice. Just as Chopin’s Ballade begins, Daisuke appears in front of him, a bright grin on his face. “Shoma! I found you!”

“Daisuke,” Shoma peaks around Daisuke to watch as Yuzuru lands a beautiful quad salchow, “not to be rude, but I’m a little busy—“

“Yes, yes, I know. But I have news! About you and your boy.”

Shoma snaps his head at Daisuke, eyes wide. “You do? What is it?”

“Erm, well,” Daisuke’s smile turns nervous and he laughs, thinly, “You see, we don’t have a _definite_ answer but it is something!”

“What is it?”

“I can’t say too much about it. I don’t want to get your hopes up. But Tatsuki is working on it. The Higher Ups are still closed off from us, so They don’t know what’s going on. Now is the best time to act.”

“I don’t understand.” Shoma frowns. “What have you found?”

“I’ll keep you posted! Just, reach out to Yuzuru if you can. He’s your only hope.”

“But—“

“I have to go. We’ll be in contact again, soon. I promise. By then, we’ll have answers for you and Yuzuru.”

“Daisuke, wait—“

“Bye, Shoma!” Daisuke waves before disappearing from sight, leaving Shoma even more perplexed.

Shoma has no clue what Daisuke is talking about. He didn’t even give any answers or hints. And by the time, Shoma’s snaps out of it to refocus on Yuzuru again, Yuzuru is already performing his last spin. He’s a bit annoyed that that entire useless conversation caused him to miss Yuzuru, but he still claps, nevertheless. He can tell by the look on Yuzuru’s face that he’s killed it and that’s enough for Shoma.  

‘I’m home. _’_ Yuzuru’s mouths to the audience.

It sends shivers down Shoma’s spine. _Welcome back._

When Shoma tries contacting Tatsuki and Daisuke later that night, they are completely unreachable. Shoma tries to go to Tatsuki’s office but finds that it’s locked, which is strange because Tatsuki’s office is never locked. He tries to teleport inside but ends up being kicked out. Shoma’s getting more frustrated with all of this. He has more questions than answers after Daisuke came to find him. He doesn’t understand why they’d tell him they have a lead but not include him in on this ongoing investigation. Daisuke had said that Yuzuru is his only hope. Shoma doesn’t know what that’s supposed to mean.

Shoma growls and kicks Tatsuki’s door for good measure. There’s still no response from the other side. Now, not only have the Higher Ups closed off, so have Tatsuki and Daisuke. Whatever the case, Shoma hopes that someone gives him his fucking answers soon or he may very well lose it and no one wants that. He concedes for the time being, trusting in the both of them. He’s still got Yuzuru to worry about, after all.

Somehow the day of the free skate is even more charged up. Shoma can feel the tension in the air, the anticipation from everyone in the arena. It makes his skin tingle. Yuzuru looks absolutely regal as he steps out from the curtains, dressed in white and face carefully blank. There’s fire in his eyes, though, as there always is. Shoma is relieved to see that fire still burning bright.

The warm-up, however, turns out less spectacular. Fear gnaws at Shoma as Yuzuru botches each salchow attempt. Shoma knows how important it is for Yuzuru to get the first jump. It’s always set the tone for the entire program. He sees a crease in Yuzuru’s forehead, can see the frustration beginning to arise due to the failed salchow attempts. He also sees the glare Yuzuru shoots at the ice that says _,_ ‘how dare you defy me!’

So, it’s a blessing when Yuzuru lands that first quad salchow. It’s gorgeous and gets Shoma’s heart racing. He claps, jumps up and down, and clutches onto the boards throughout the entire performance. Yuzuru has him enchanted. It’s an experience watching Yuzuru glide across the ice, showing his good stuff. He’s powerful like this, dominant even as he moves into his step sequence. Shoma feels this magnetic pull towards Yuzuru, as if Yuzuru himself is beckoning him to join him on the ice, trying to seduce him closer. Shoma absolutely aches for it.

Shoma holds his breath as Yuzuru stumbles on the second quad toe, then nearly shrieks when Yuzuru nearly slips up on the final lutz. It’s incredible the way he holds on, never surrendering to the slippery surface of the ice. No, Yuzuru pushes on and shines brighter than the sun as he starts the final choreography sequence. Shoma’s heart thumps along with drums, his blood races as Yuzuru arches his back into a deep Ina Bauer. There’s this electricity in the air that makes Shoma feel like he’s vibrating out of his skin.

As the music ends, Yuzuru stomps his foot against the ice and throws his arms open, as if embracing the universe. Perhaps in a lot of ways, he does do that, even when he’s not performing. Right now, at this moment, Shoma wants nothing more than to be able to feel Yuzuru’s emotions at this moment. He’s proud of him all on his own, of course.  But he wants to feel the rush of excitement, of happiness, and relief. Yuzuru has never looked more alive. Shoma wants to feel that.

The rest of the competition passes in a blur. He doesn’t even know what happened to the other skaters, because all he can focus on is Yuzuru in the Green Room looking ready to pass out. He looks happy, though, which in turn makes Shoma very happy. After months of rebuilding, of intense physical and emotional therapy, Yuzuru is here, flustered and dripping with sweat, but looking better than he has in months.

Javier eventually steps into the Green Room and Yuzuru lunges for him, wrapping his arms around Javier, clinging to him like lifeline. Shoma feels a tinge of jealousy. He’ll never be over this. He knows he won’t. He’ll never be used to the idea of Javier touching Yuzuru so easily. But he sees how much Yuzuru needs it right now, so Shoma decides to hold back the bitter feelings. It’s not about him.

“Wish both of us win. Javi did so good.” Yuzuru sobs, burying his face in Javier’s chest, hiding away from the cameras and people.

“There’s only one gold medal and you earned it. Be proud of that.” Javier gently wipes Yuzuru’s tears with his thumbs, offering a shaky smile. “You need to not look so pretty when you cry. It’s unfair.”

“Javi!” Yuzuru whines, making Javier laugh.

Shoma bites his lip while chanting silently to himself. _It’s not about you. It’s not about you. It’s not about you_.

             It’s a relief when the competition finally ends and Yuzuru is official crowned as Olympic champion for the second time. He shares the podium with Javier and a young Chinese skater named Boyang. Yuzuru has this soft glow about him that’s so unlike how he normally is when it comes to competitions. The fire has long gone out but Yuzuru’s eyes are still filled with warmth despite the tears that are constantly leaking from his eyes. Javier is right about one thing. Yuzuru is devastatingly pretty when he cries. Shoma finds him absolutely gorgeous in this moment and he wishes so bad he could be a part of it so he can tell this to Yuzuru.

The air is still charged with electricity even though the competition is done. There’s still the gala, so the event isn’t over just yet. Yuzuru seems lighter, much more playful as he joins the rest of the invited skaters for gala practice. He laughs and makes stupid jokes with the others. It’s good to see him like this. So carefree and relaxed. Yuzuru deserves this, though. He deserves this time more than anyone.

Things change when Javier returns from Spain a little later. He keeps stealing little glances at Yuzuru and Shoma can tell he wants something. He has a terrible feeling of what he wants. But he can’t help himself as he watches Javier finally lean in towards Yuzuru to whisper something. Yuzuru nods, a soft smile playing on his lips that twist Shoma’s insides.

Later, when Yuzuru is relaxing alone in his room, his ankle wrapped in ice, and gaming console in hand, Javier comes knocking on his door. Yuzuru had left the door unlocked, so Javier let’s himself in, his own game in hand as he takes a seat beside Yuzuru on the couch. Shoma watches them as they game, he watches as Yuzuru shoves at Javier playfully, casually leaning against him and laughing easily. It’s nothing like how it was before. Now, it seems they’re back to their normal routine of being wrapped up in each other. Shoma hates it.

Eventually, they give up on gaming and decide to watch something on the TV. Shoma plasters himself against the wall, his nails digging into the surface as he watches Javier collapse onto Yuzuru’s lap. Yuzuru rolls his eyes at Javier’s dramatic flop but makes no move to push him off. He wants to scream at them, tell them that he’s here.

“I’m glad we did this.” Javier says, softly. “I’m glad we got spend some time together like this.”

“I am, too. Very happy Javi wants to spend time.”

“I’m sorry about before.” Javier grins, sheepishly. “I made you cry.”

“You did! Javi is so bad making me cry more in front of camera and fans! Why not wait until after ceremony?” Yuzuru whines, high and nasally. It’s annoyingly endearing. Shoma wants to snatch him from Javier.

“I wanted you to know. It seemed like the best time.”

“Really, Javi? Best time is front of thousands of people? You think about retirement and you not tell me before!”

“I couldn’t.” Javier’s smile drops. “You weren’t exactly approachable these past few months. You were so lost in your own head that no one could reach you. It scared me.”

Yuzuru’s looks down, biting his lip guilty. “I’m sorry. It was very hard these few months. Did not mean to make Javi worry.”

“You make me worry all the time.”

Ah, yet another thing Shoma has in common. The constant worrying over Yuzuru. Somehow, this makes him feel that much more connected to the Spaniard. He hates that, too.

“I’m sorry for that, too.”

“I know you can’t help it.” Javier reaches up to touch Yuzuru’s cheek. "I know that’s just who you are. You need to shut things out to be able to do the things you do. You’re strong in that way.”

“No. I am very weak. I block out everything because I am weak. Have to not feel things so I can focus. Little things make it difficult for me.”

“I know, Yuzu. I know. You can think it’s weak to cut things off like that, but I think it takes strength to be able to do that.”

Yuzuru smiles, sadly. “I thought I throw away all happiness for this. I thought maybe it would be better if I feel nothing at all so I am indiff—“Yuzuru scrunches his nose trying to sound out the word, but he gives up, “I not care if something happens.”

“Oh, Yuzu…”

“People say it not healthy but it is only way I know. I have to shut out all these things,” Yuzuru makes circular gestures around his ears, “Need to stop whispers and words so not distracted. But I end up shutting important people out, too. I think it must hurt.”

“It does.” Yuzuru looks crestfallen. “It does hurt. But more so because no one likes seeing you hurt this way, Yuzu. You’re always filled with such light. It’s scary when you force yourself to turn it off.”

Yuzuru grabs Javier’s wrist, lowering it from his face. Instead, he plays with Javier’s fingers. It’s simple but intimate and it makes Shoma press himself harder against the wall. “You ask once if I have ever been in love.”

Javier blinks in surprise. “I did.”

“I did not give Javi proper answer.”

“What’s your answer?”

“Answer is yes.” Yuzuru admits, his voice soft and timid. “Yes, I have.”

Shoma’s breath hitches at the confession. _‘I was in love with you, Shoma. I loved you like I never loved anyone else.’_ And then there’s that knife, carving out his chest again. The weight of everything that came crashing down that night distracted Shoma from the confession. Now, it’s all coming back. Somewhere down the line Yuzuru fell in love with Shoma and Shoma had no idea. At some point, Shoma occupied a special place in Yuzuru’s heart but Shoma had walked away from all of that.

“Back then, you…” Javier trail off as Yuzuru nods, tears beginning to gather in his eyes. “Oh, Yuzu…”

“I still feel so bad for breaking Javi’s heart. Javi doesn’t deserve. Want to love Javi like Javi deserve but I can’t—“ Yuzuru gets choked up, so Javier sits up to calm him down.

“Hey, we’re past that, okay? I told you before, right? No harm done. I understand. You are precious to me either way. Besides, you can’t help your feelings any more than I can help mine. It’s not your fault.”

“I still sorry.”

Javier promptly gathers Yuzuru into his arms. “Do you want to talk about it? Who is this lucky person and why haven’t I met them?”

“Not many people have.” Javier just stares at Yuzuru, waiting patiently. “I don’t remember the moment I fell in love with him, but I remember that when I realize I love him, it hurt.”

Shoma slides to the floor, watching this all unfold.

“Why?”

“In Japan, there is story about sun and moon. How they love each other but their love cannot be because they do not belong in same sky. Must always be apart to shed light somewhere else.” There are tears trickling down Yuzuru’s cheeks and Javier wipes away each individual one. “Still, the sun loves the moon, still wishes to catch a glance at the moon with every sunset because even if paths do not cross, it enough to see moon.”

“That’s really sad.” Javier dabs a couple more tears away. “But what about an eclipse? An eclipse happens every so often, right? That way they can meet.”

“That is true. Eclipse is special because it is fleeting. It sad. Sun and moon meet for short time only to part and not see each other long time afterwards. It is painful.”

“And that’s like you and your mystery man?” Yuzuru nods, mutely. “Geez, you’re like a modern day Romeo and Juliet, huh?”

Shoma laughs to himself. If only things were that simple! Romeo and Juliet had it easy in comparison. The silly comparison makes Yuzuru smile a little.

“Why didn’t you tell me about this? Does your mother know?”

“I don’t think so. I don’t tell anyone.” Yuzuru shrugs. “I cannot tell full story because it is not mine to tell. It is his. And there are many things that may seem not real. What he does makes it very difficult. He thinks he put me in danger.”

“Shit, Yuzuru. Did you get involved with Yakuza or something?” Javier feigns horror, “Didn’t know you were such a thrill seeker!”

Yuzuru laughs this time, shaking his head in amusement. His shoulders sag, slightly. Leave it to Javier to make Yuzuru feel at ease. “I grew up with him, sort of.”

“I know you said you don’t remember the exact moment you fell in love with him but, don’t you have some idea when you felt a change?”

“I think maybe I love him when I was seventeen, maybe eighteen. But did not realize until after he was gone.”

“I’m sorry…”

“He tells me that we cannot not be together. He thinks we are not right together. But I say that it don’t feel wrong. It always feels right when he is next to me. I-I like it when he is next to me.”

“He doesn’t feel the same way?”

Yuzuru looks away, fiddling with a loose thread on his jacket sleeve. “I think maybe he feel same but it does not matter now. Too late.”

“Why is it too late if he feels the same?”

“He re-appeared before me again after but it was a bad time. We were very angry, said very mean things. He broke my heart.” Shoma feels like his heart is stuck in his throat. “It hurt too much for me so I told him to go away. I did not call him again after. I think I hurt him, too.”

Shoma brings his knees closer to his chest, wrapping his arms around himself and tugging at his hair viciously. _Damn it, damn it, damn it!_

“Yuzu…” Javier whispers, bringing his hand up to cup Yuzuru’s cheek. Yuzuru’s eyes fall shut.

“So, yes, Javi. I have loved before.”

“Do you still love him?”

Yuzuru pauses for a beat before answering, softly, in a whisper that Shoma barely hears. “I think yes. I still love him.”

Shoma snaps his head up, staring at Yuzuru as if he’s seeing him for the very first time. A wide smile breaks out on his face that he couldn’t even stop if he tried because Yuzuru loves him! His smile turns softer, a different kind of warmth spreading in his chest. _He loves me. He still loves me._

Javier smiles, gently, giving Yuzuru’s cheek a soft pat before getting up from the couch to gather his things. Yuzuru looks at him in confusion. “Javi don’t have to leave. We can still—“

“It’s late and we got an early practice tomorrow. We can hang some more then.” Javier holds his hand out and waits for Yuzuru to grab him. He does and Javier tugs him up from the couch into a tight hug. Shoma can tell by the way Javier holds Yuzuru that he hasn’t stopped loving Yuzuru, either. “Thank you for telling me all of this. I know it must’ve been hard. I think you should try to contact him, though. Try again.”

Yuzuru sighs, “I don’t think it would make much difference. I think he might be mad at me still for making him go away. I don’t think he want me.”

 _I want you. I want you more than anything else._ Shoma stands from the floor, taking a step towards them. _Look me! I’m here!_

Javier pulls back to brush Yuzuru’s bangs out of his eyes. “Just try. For me, okay?”

Yuzuru presses his lips together in a firm line, but nods slowly. Javier smiles, ruffling Yuzuru’s hair before stepping away to grab his shoes. Yuzuru walks Javier to the door like a good host and looks down, shyly. “You really think I should try?”

“I do.” Javier says, though the corners of his eyes look slightly pinched. “If he makes you happy, then go for it.”

“What if not want me back?”

“Don’t worry about that. I mean, if it doesn’t work out, I’m still here, so—Hey!“ Yuzuru punches Javier’s arm none-too-gently. “I’m kidding! I’m kidding!”

Shoma doesn’t think Javier is kidding.

“Javi still so silly.”

“I just wanted to make you smile.” Javier admits, a light blush painting his cheeks. “You deserve happiness, Yuzuru. I hope you know this.”

Yuzuru bites his lip.

Javier sighs, leaning in to press a light kiss to Yuzuru’s forehead. “Good night, Yuzu. Just think about it, okay? Give it one last chance.”

Yuzuru stays standing in the entryway long after Javier is gone. His arms hang limp at his sides. Shoma hears him breathing deeply, in and out. He closes his eyes as well, breathing along with Yuzuru.

_‘Shoma…’_

Shoma has only ever dreamed about what it would feel like for Yuzuru to restore their bond. He envisioned scorching heat, that blazing inferno that threatened to consume him whole like last time but it’s not like that at all. It nearly brings him to his knees all the same. It feels like a fresh breeze, soothing and calm, like the coming of spring. It feels like he’s being welcomed back home after an eternity away. Most of all, he just feels Yuzuru. Suddenly, everything comes rushes back to him and he does fall to his knees.

“You know, if you answered my Calls as quickly as you did now, maybe we could have skipped all of this.” Yuzuru sighs, turning around and shutting the door behind him to lean against. His eyes bore into Shoma’s. “So, any updates from last time?”

“No.” Shoma says, honestly.

Yuzuru rolls his eyes, snorting as he crosses his arms. Shoma startles at the mute annoyance bubbling inside of him. He knows it’s not him. It’s Yuzuru. He allows that thought to linger, has to shove down the urge to laugh with absolute glee because _he can feel Yuzuru_. Shoma hasn’t the slightest clue of what’s going on anymore and is even more confused since Tatsuki and Daisuke closed off from him, too. At the moment, though, Shoma finds that he doesn’t care because he’s here. He’s here with Yuzuru. Nothing else matters.

“It has been twenty-three years. You said my— _our_ case has been with your bosses since I was born. If they’re so all knowing and powerful, then why has it taken this long to come up with something? This is more frustrating than dealing with the ISU and they give me headaches daily.” Yuzuru pinches the bridge of his nose. “What about your mysterious friend? Hasn’t he found anything? How can none of you know what’s going on?”

“Tatsuki is working on something as we speak.” Shoma runs his hand along Yuzuru’s bedsheets. “As for the Higher Ups, you sent Them into a frenzy with the latest stunt you pulled.”

“What did I do?”

“You broke our connection. As a result, we couldn’t track you anymore.”

“What? How does me cutting you off prevent you from keeping track of me? You’ve blocked me out before and it was fine.”

Shoma tries not to flinch at Yuzuru’s words. It’s the truth, after all. “Tatsuki said that it’s got something to do with being connected to the Afterlife. Normally, a soul is connected through a Reaper and Guardian. But you…you diverged from your Fate. You were never given a Guardian. Your connection to the Afterlife existed through me, I guess.”

“That doesn’t explain why it was fine when you blocked me. What’s so different about me cutting you off?”

“I don’t know what it means. I can’t give you concrete answers at this time. I wish could, Yuzuru. I wish I could tell you why we’re so fucked up. But I can’t.” Shoma shrugs, helplessly. “But I can tell you what I know personally.”

“Well?” Yuzuru gestures, impatiently.

Shoma takes a deep breath. “As you know, I’m a Reaper. My duty is to cater to the dead. When a soul is ready to leave this realm, I take them and carry them over to the Afterlife. I told you before that I don’t really remember my beginning. I still don’t. I’ve been doing this for what feels like forever. I never felt lost or burdened, though. I went on with my duties with no real special feelings attached to it. I’d feel the occasional sadness of a soul but that’s about it. That was normal. I was normal.”

Yuzuru’s gaze turns cold at the word. Shoma shakes his head. “You have to understand, Yuzuru, that being a Reaper was all I knew. It’s the purpose for my existence. Maybe I was human before but I’m not now. I exist to serve the Higher Ups and fulfill my duties. That’s how it’s always been. But then twenty-three years ago, I touched you.”

Shoma moves towards Yuzuru, stopping a distance away. He lifts a hand to hover his fingers over Yuzuru’s cheek for a second before dropping it. “I touched you and nothing made sense anymore. Everything I thought I knew was destroyed, burned to ashes. All I knew was you. All I wanted was to be around you, with you, a part of you but I knew I couldn’t ever have that.”

“You could’ve tried. I always reached out to you but you always shut me out. All I felt was this horrible coldness inside.”

“I’m sorry.” Shoma says, softly. “I’m sorry for putting you through that. I never should have shut you out. I thought I was doing you a favor by staying away but all I did was hurt you.”

“It hurt so much.” A tear slides down Yuzuru’s cheek. “Even when I cut you off myself, it hurt more than anything I have ever done. It felt like I ripped myself in half. I tried so hard to let you go and move on, but I couldn’t. Even as I stood on that podium with my Olympic medal,” Shoma follows Yuzuru’s eyes to the gold medal laying on the nightstand, “all I could think about that night was you and how much I wanted you to be a part of it.”

Shoma’s throat clicks as he swallows. “Even after everything? Even though I hurt you, you still wanted me?”

It’s such a foreign concept of being wanted, of being loved. Shoma’s never experienced such a thing before. It’s scary but also so thrilling.

“Yes, I did.” Yuzuru lifts his gaze to meet Shoma’s. His eyes are dark, smoldering coals. “I do.”

“Yuzu—“

Yuzuru moves away from him and starts pacing back and forth, limping slightly as he goes. “That’s why I can’t stand this! Despite everything, I still need you. I thought I could start something with Javi. He’s a good man and he makes me happy. I know I’d be safe with him. I thought maybe I could learn to love him the way he deserves, but all I can think about is you.” Yuzuru yanks at his hair in agitation, making it stick up in odd angles. “You say such pretty things about wanting to be with me but it doesn’t change anything. Tell me why we can’t have this? Why did this happen to us? You say it’s supposed to be impossible but here we are, an impossibility existing.”

“I wish I could give you the answers you want. I really do. I wish I had them myself.” Shoma steps into Yuzuru’s path, halting his pacing. “I meant what I said before about you being a miracle. You are a miracle, Yuzuru. I will never grow tired of reminding you of that. I don’t know why things turned out the way they did, but I’m grateful they did.”

Yuzuru gives him a deadpan look. “You’re glad we’re caught in some horribly tragic love story that’s somehow more dramatic than some stupid Shakespeare play? When has anyone ever been glad about that?”

“No,” Shoma steps closer, “I’m glad that at the end of it, you’re alive. I’m glad that my failure meant that you got to live. That’s all I cared about, Yuzu. I just wanted you to live and you did more than that. You grew up. You became a light for so many people. What you’ve created can’t be touched but people feel it regardless.”

Yuzuru blushes and Shoma finds it incredibly adorable that even after all this time, Yuzuru still gets embarrassed and flustered over things like this. Yuzuru clears his throat, “Well, a part of it was because of you. I don’t know if I would have done all of this if it hadn’t been for you. What you told me those years ago, about living and not letting thoughts of the dead keep from it, pushed me. You said it was okay to live, so I did. Because of you.”

“I only gave you a little push. You did the rest yourself.” Shoma smiles, before recalling what Yuzuru was like before the Olympics. “I was so scared these past months, seeing you creep closer and closer to edge. I was terrified that something would push you over it.”

Yuzuru’s eyes narrow. “You were watching me again?”

“I have been this whole time.” Shoma admits, but is quick to continue before upsetting Yuzuru further. “I watched you, yes. You were surrounded by chaos. It seems to be the running theme with you but you never cease to amaze me. Each and every time, somehow, you emerge more beautiful than anything I have ever seen or known. I have never known greater joy than seeing you rise again and again.”

Yuzuru drops his glare to quirk a smile. “Like a lotus?”

“Yes, exactly like a lotus.

An impossible flower that completely defies logic and carries an unwavering will to live. Yes, that sounds about right.

Yuzuru sighs as he closes the distance between them, finally, lowering his head to meet Shoma’s. “Look, I won’t cut our connection again. I don’t want to cause more trouble for you but I can’t go on like this, wondering if you’re going to disappear and leave me cold. It hurts too much.”

Yuzuru pulls way to sit on the bed. Shoma follows after him, kneeling in front of him. “I don’t want to hurt you anymore. I hate making you promises I don’t know if I can keep but, I swear to you in this moment, I’ll do whatever you wish of me, Yuzuru. If you want me to leave, never come back so you can move on, I’ll walk away right now. If you want me to stay, I’ll stay. Whatever it is, just tell me.”

“What I want from you,” Yuzuru takes Shoma’s face in his hands. “is what I have always wanted. You.”

 _Yes, I get that_ . Shoma frowns. That’s obvious. But Shoma doesn’t quite get—Shoma doesn’t get to finish his thought because Yuzuru is kissing him. Shoma gasps as Yuzuru’s lips drag slowly against his, sweet and smooth like honey. It’s so different from the last time Yuzuru kissed him, so sudden and almost violent, desperate. This is soft, so heart-achingly soft. Then, he feels insistent tugging on his cloak. He pulls away slightly to find Yuzuru’s fingers fiddling with the clasp. _Oh…_ Yuzuru wants _that_.

“Do you…” Yuzuru licks his lips and Shoma follows the movement, a startling hunger beginning to stir in his gut, “do you want me?”

“Yes.” The reply is instant and it makes Yuzuru smile. “But, Yuzu, I don’t know how this is going to work. I mean, I can’t touch you. I don’t—“

“It’s quite simple, actually. If you stop focusing on the things you can’t do.”

“It’s not possible, Yuzuru. I can’t—“ Yuzuru cuts him off with three, short successive kisses.

“I don’t want to talk about what’s possible or impossible anymore. It’s a matter of want.” Yuzuru drags his thumb across Shoma’s bottom lip in a way that makes his heart flutter. “Do you want to touch me, Shoma?”

“Yes,” Shoma whispers, breathlessly.

“Then touch me.”

Yuzuru says it like it’s the easiest thing in the world. Shoma’s ready to back out of this and call Yuzuru ridiculous. Not everyone is capable of creating miracles. But, Shoma looks at the way Yuzuru is staring at him now, so vulnerable and expectant; it makes him ache. ‘It’s a matter of want,’ Yuzuru had said. Shoma has been telling himself that he can’t do things all this time, making excuses for not being able to do something when maybe that’s the very thing that’s been holding him back. Maybe it’s got nothing to do with the Higher Ups but rather, Shoma himself. Yuzuru has never been afraid of going after what he wants, chasing after his dreams with overflowing ambition seemingly too big for his tiny body. Perhaps it’s time Shoma follows his example.

 _What about the risk?_ The insecure part of himself murmurs. There’s always a risk with anything in life. Yuzuru has said things can happen at any time. That’s just the way humans are. Perhaps there’s truth to that. There’s a chance this could end in flames, but what is life without taking the chance that maybe things can go right after all? Shoma’s touched Yuzuru twice before, neither times were very ideal. But that’s all irrelevant now. Yuzuru is holding out his hand, offering himself up, and giving Shoma this last chance to reciprocate after all these years. Shoma wants to meet him there. So, he doesn’t shy away from the intense want coursing through his body. He goes with it, let’s desire take the reins and give him the courage to see this through.

There’s no hesitation as Shoma stands, moving between Yuzuru’s open legs, to reach out to touch him. As his fingers make contact with his cheek, Yuzuru gasps, softly. It’s different in comparison to any other times. Yuzuru is very awake now and there’s no dreadful goodbye weighing over Shoma’s head. Not yet, at least. He won’t worry about that now _because he’s touching Yuzuru_. He wants to be here, now, in this moment. The rest will come later.

Shoma’s fingers are feather-light against Yuzuru’s skin. He takes his time tracing over Yuzuru’s features one by one, starting with his lovely eyebrows. He brushes his thumb against the little mole on Yuzuru’s right eyelid, then runs a finger down the bridge of his cute nose, over his plush lips, across sharp cheekbones. Shoma’s exploration doesn’t stop there. He skims his knuckles against Yuzuru’s strong jaw, lightly drags his nail over the puffy scar on his chin. Yuzuru trembles at the touch.

Shoma remembers the way Javier had touched Yuzuru like this. The memory causes something dark and unbidden to coil in his stomach. There’s this urge to shove Yuzuru into the mattress, take him completely, and make him forget every one of Javier’s touches. But he bites it back, stomps on the rising feeling. Now isn’t the time for that. He dances his finger tips across Yuzuru’s collarbone before eventually coming to rest his palm over Yuzuru’s chest. Now, it’s Shoma’s turn to gasp as he feels Yuzuru’s heart beat beneath his touch. Yuzuru covers Shoma's hand with his own.

“This,” Shoma laces their fingers together, “this is everything to me. You are everything to me, Yuzuru. I have cherished every smile, every bit of laughter, every single breath, and every single beat of your heart.”

Yuzuru tugs him by his cloak, sharply so that their lips are touching. His next words send a shiver down Shoma’s spine. “Show me. Cherish me more.” Yuzuru lead’s his hands to his waist.

Shoma makes a strangled noise as his fingers slip beneath the fabric of Yuzuru’s shirt. He revels in the way Yuzuru’s abdomen tightens at the light touch. Shoma touches more firmly, sliding his hand against Yuzuru’s tiny waist, pulling him closer. He leans in to press small, wet kisses against Yuzuru’s neck. “I’ll cherish every single part of you.”

Yuzuru moans, fisting Shoma’s hair as he falls back against the bed, pulling Shoma down with him before flipping them over. He kisses Shoma hungrily, mouth open, nipping at Shoma’s lips. Shoma goes with the flow, taking whatever Yuzuru has to offer and giving back. He drags his nails down Yuzuru’s sides causing Yuzuru to give a full body shiver. Shoma moves his hands lower, dipping below Yuzuru’s waistline to touch the top of his ass. Yuzuru whimpers, his fingers tangling further in Shoma’s hair.

“Fuck, Yuzu,” Shoma rasps as Yuzuru grinds against him. Shoma rolls them over in a flash, pinning Yuzuru against the bed. He quickly dives back in, attacking Yuzuru’s neck. Yuzuru keens as Shoma bites down, teeth worrying against the skin where neck and shoulder meet. Yuzuru’s eyes nearly roll back into his skull as Shoma sucks on his pulse.

Yuzuru starts to shake as Shoma kisses his earlobe tenderly, as he runs his tongue along the shell of it, nipping lightly before pulling away. Yuzuru grips onto Shoma tighter, tightening his thighs around Shoma, causing them both to gasp out loud. Yuzuru breaks away, panting. “You know, sometimes, I used to have the most beautiful dreams of us together like this. I would dream about you holding me, touching me, loving me…I’ve wanted you for so long.”

Shoma hears the way Yuzuru’s voice tapers off, on the verge of becoming a sob. He sits back a little, searching Yuzuru’s eyes, reaching up to brush his bangs from this forehead. Yuzuru’s eyes are bright and shiny. There’s that twinkle that Shoma’s always loved. They still hold the entire universe within their depths, just as they did when Yuzuru was a child. They’re so beautiful and Shoma wants to get lost in those cosmos. “I’m here now,” Shoma cups Yuzuru’s cheek, tenderly. “I’m here. I don’t know if this will work but I promise, I’ll try. For you. For us. If this is what you want.”

Yuzuru captures Shoma’s lips again, tongue sweeping across Shoma’s bottom lip. Shoma chases after it, slipping his tongue into Yuzuru’s mouth. Shoma feels like he’s melting. He’s drowning in so many new sensations, so much of Yuzuru, but he doesn’t want to stop.

“I want this. I want you.” Yuzuru pants between kisses. “Love me.”

Shoma nods, hurriedly, unzipping Yuzuru's jacket to yank it off, then grabbing for the bottom of Yuzuru’s shirt to tug it over his head. He pauses to look at Yuzuru like this and has to remind himself to breathe. Yuzuru’s body is sculpted perfection. He’s densely packed, all muscle and smooth skin. His chest is flushed a light pink and a thin layer of sweat is beginning to appear. He’s gorgeous and he wants to share this with Shoma. “Oh,” Shoma says, pathetically, unable to come up with anything else.

Yuzuru smirks, reaching up to undo the clasp on Shoma’s cloak. He throws it off to the side, leaving Shoma in his black robes. Slowly, he helps Shoma get undressed until they’re both shirtless, prettily flushed, and wanting. Yuzuru’s eyes darken as he drags his hand down Shoma’s body, biting his lip in a way that makes Shoma want to kiss him senseless. He remembers how Yuzuru looked on the podium, how joyful and lively he was the night of the free skate when he triumphed over all adversities. Shoma swallows as he moves his hands down Yuzuru’s chest, stopping as he gets to the edge of his waistband.

“That night, after the free skate,” Shoma leans down to kiss below Yuzuru’s ear, “I kept thinking about how gorgeous you looked and how much I wanted to be there to tell you that.” Shoma starts trailing kisses down Yuzuru’s body, leaving little bites here and there. “You looked like royalty that night. Absolutely exquisite. I could have thrown myself at your feet to worship you.”

Yuzuru shakes his head. “I am no god.”

“No, but you’re just as divine.” Shoma slips off the bed, sinking to his knees. Slowly, he begins to unwrap the ice on Yuzuru’s ankle, lets the ice pack drop to the floor. Then, he lifts Yuzuru’s leg to press a delicate kiss to the chilled skin of his ankle. “You deserve to be worshiped as such.”

“Shoma…”

“I was worried that your injury would be too severe to come back from.” Shoma places one last kiss before standing up to drape himself over Yuzuru. “I was scared for you. I know how much skating means to you. I was afraid of what might happen if you could never stand on the ice again. I know skating makes you feel the most alive.”

“You’re wrong.” Yuzuru takes Shoma’s hand to kiss the inside of his wrist before placing it over his heart again. “I feel the most alive when I’m with you.”

Shoma licks his lips. “Then I’ll make you feel more alive.”

Shoma tugs his hand away and starts to pepper kisses along Yuzuru’s sensitive skin. He takes care of not biting too hard. Yuzuru doesn’t need people questioning him about hickies. He drags his tongue down the ridges of Yuzuru’s ribs, down the hard muscle of his abdomen. Shoma nuzzles softly against the faint scar below Yuzuru’s bellybutton. He lifts his gaze to Yuzuru’s as he slowly yanks his track pants down. Shoma can’t help but grin when he notices that Yuzuru’s already hard.

He takes his time undressing Yuzuru, opening him up like a special birthday present. Yuzuru hisses as Shoma runs his tongue along his shaft before taking him in his mouth. Yuzuru yelps in surprise. Shoma takes him in deeper, lifting up to tongue Yuzuru’s slit before pulling off. Yuzuru curses as Shoma sucks at his inner thighs.

“Fuck, Shoma!” Yuzuru’s fingers tangle into Shoma’s hair. Shoma gets the hint and takes Yuzuru into his mouth again.  He goes down on him again and again until Yuzuru’s legs start to tremble. “Shoma, Shoma, please!”

Shoma places one last kiss on the top of Yuzuru’s cock before looking up. Yuzuru reaches for him. “Kiss me.”

Who is Shoma to reject a request like that? He goes willingly, kissing Yuzuru with  fervor. They quickly crawl their way up the bed.Their lips make a loud smacking noise as they break apart. Yuzuru already looks so blissed out. They’ve only just started but Yuzuru is already sweaty. His cheeks are tinged a lovely pink hue and his lips are rosy and swollen. A few strands of hair cling to his forehead that Shoma can’t help but brush aside. Yuzuru lifts a hand to cradle Shoma’s cheek. “You seem to know what you’re doing. Any reason for that?” Yuzuru asks, panting.

“Um…”

“I don’t know how I feel about Reapers getting it on in the Afterlife…”Yuzuru says, playfully. “What exactly do you do with your free time, hm?”

Shoma laughs, rolling his eyes before booping Yuzuru’s nose. “Brat. I’ve been around for a long time. I’m a visual learner like you. I’ve seen things over the centuries, so I know a few things.”

“Didn’t know you were into voyeurism. That’s kinda kinky.”

“That is _so_ not what I meant.”

Yuzuru giggles, high and light. Shoma feels like there’s fireworks bursting in his chest. He’s so giddy with excitement he’s barely able to control the way his hands are shaking. Still grinning, Yuzuru reaches for the nightstand drawer to pull out a tube of lube. Shoma takes it, inspecting it, curiously. “What about you, hm? Any escapades I should know about?”

“A lot of people seem to think I’m an angel, but make no mistake,” Yuzuru wraps his fingers around the back of Shoma’s neck to pull him down. He surges upwards for a biting kiss. “I am no saint.”

Something dark slithers its way into Shoma’s chest again, the same feeling that threatened to break free when he thought of Javier touching Yuzuru. It makes him grip onto Yuzuru just a little harder.

“Jealous?” Yuzuru’s turn into mischievous little slits that reminds Shoma of a sly fox. “And if I have? What would you do?”

 _Hunt the asshole down and break them for even looking at you like this…_ Yuzuru snorts and Shoma realizes he may have just said that out loud. “Idiot, I haven’t been with anyone. But I know how it works. I was a curious boy with raging hormones once. I told you I had dreams about you. What do you think that lead to?”

Shoma feels the tension bleed out of his body. He grunts, uncapping the lube to spread some on his fingers. “Little shit.”

Yuzuru giggles again, opening his legs wider, inviting Shoma in. Shoma shifts to sit on his knees between Yuzuru’s legs. He places one hand on Yuzuru’s knee and then dips his fingers beneath Yuzuru’s balls to touch his hole. Yuzuru stiffens at the contact. “Okay?” Shoma asks. If Yuzuru wants to stop, he’ll stop.

“I’m okay.” Yuzuru nods, allowing himself to relax. “Keep going.”

Shoma focuses intently as he slips one finger inside of Yuzuru. Yuzuru whines at the intrusion, his face scrunching up in what Shoma hopes is pleasure. Slowly, Shoma begins to work Yuzuru open, thoroughly, taking his time with it. They’re in no rush and Shoma wants to savor every single second of this moment. It’s fascinating watching Yuzuru come apart like this, watching him open up as Shoma starts to pump his fingers faster, stretching Yuzuru as he goes. Yuzuru’s back arches off the bed as Shoma hits his prostate.

“I’m ready. I’m good. Please, just—Ah!“ Yuzuru cries out as Shoma curls his fingers inside of him. “Shoma!”

Shoma takes that as a go and positions himself properly. He keeps his gaze on Yuzuru’s face as he pushes inside, pausing any time Yuzuru seems to show any sign of discomfort or pain. It takes some time but eventually Yuzuru bottoms out, then goes nearly boneless in Shoma’s arms. Now that Shoma’s inside of Yuzuru like this, he feels so overwhelmed. Yuzuru’s emotions are flowing into him, uninhibited. It fills his heart until it’s overflowing. It’s so much to be with Yuzuru like this, surrounded by him, drowning in him.

Shoma’s eyelashes flutter as Yuzuru touches his cheek. It feels like his heart is lodged in his throat again as Yuzuru smiles up at him. “You okay?” Yuzuru asks, his voice hoarse.

“Shouldn’t I be asking you that?”He leans down to nuzzle their noses together. Shoma kisses the tip of Yuzuru’s nose for extra measure. “I’m okay. Just—“

“Overwhelmed?”

“Yeah, a bit.”

“Do we need to stop?”

Shoma shakes his head. “No. I just need some time. Is that okay?”

Yuzuru nods his assurance. Shoma sighs in relief and rests his head against Yuzuru’s shoulder. Shoma doesn’t know how long they stay there, unmoving with their limbs tangled and bodies pressed tightly together, but it’s nice to just be here. To be immersed in everything that is Yuzuru and sharing this with him.

“Thank you,” Yuzuru whispers.

Shoma tilts his head. “For what?”

“For this.”

Yuzuru shifts his hips a little, evoking a low moan from Shoma. His vision blurs a little as he starts a slow, easy rhythm. It feels like a dream to be here, feeling Yuzuru clench around him, taking every inch of him. Shoma drops his head, hips stuttering as his emotions start spilling over. It's too much. Yuzuru shushes him, brushing his fingers through Shoma's hair, soothingly. "You okay? You still with me?"

"Always," Shoma pants, lifting up to kiss Yuzuru's forehead. "Always with you."

"Good." 

Yuzuru smiles, letting his hands fall beside his head on the pillow. Shoma reaches up to grasp Yuzuru's hands, intertwining their fingers together. 

“Oh!” Yuzuru’s mouth form an ‘O’ shape as Shoma’s thrusts turn sharp, angling just right to bring Yuzuru maximum pleasure. “Fuck!”

Shoma speeds up a little, Yuzuru's little squeaks and whimpers urging him to go faster, deeper, just to keep Yuzuru from making those glorious noises. “Shoma, Shoma, Shoma,” his name falls from Yuzuru’s lips like a prayer.

Yuzuru blunt nails scape down Shoma’s back as he wraps his legs around Shoma’s waist, pulling him in deeper. Shoma leans down to capture Yuzuru’s lips in a sloppy kiss that’s more breath and tongues, than lips on lips. Yuzuru suddenly tears his mouth away, his eyes flying open in alarm. Shoma freezes for a moment, in fear that he’s hurt Yuzuru, only for Yuzuru to clench hard around him.

“Shoma, I’m—“ Yuzuru’s back arches off the bed as he comes, his mouth open wide in a silent scream.

Shoma bends down to kiss Yuzuru, frantically, thrusting his tongue into Yuzuru’s mouth as he fucks Yuzuru through his orgasm. Soon, Yuzuru calms down, going limp against the bed, chest heaving heavily. “Shoma, please, I need to feel you. Let me feel you.”Yuzuru whimpers, clutching him tighter.

“Yuzu…”

“I love you.”

Suddenly, Shoma is falling. The world around them dissolves so that it’s just the two of them. Everything is muted, except for Yuzuru flushed face, his soft moans, and sweet smile. And then Shoma comes apart and through it all, his eyes never leave Yuzuru’s.

##    
  
  
  



	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which every ending is the start of a new beginning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, everyone!  
> We've finally reached the end! It's been quite a journey but it's been a lot of fun and I enjoyed writing this fic, even when it gave me such frustration at times because characters just wouldn't cooperate. I want to say thank you to all of you who have supported this fic from the beginning until now and for those that decided to give this train-wreck of a fic a chance. 
> 
> A HUGE thank you to everyone on discord for giving me encouragement. Without you, I don't think I could've have followed through with this fic. @K1mHeechu1, this one is especially for you. Your enthusiasm for this fic made all the difference, so thank you. 
> 
> I'm a little sad for this to end but, who knows, maybe I'll write little one-shots based on this universe. We'll see. Anyway, please enjoy this last chapter! And thank you so much for your support!
> 
>  
> 
> Have a playlist I complied for this fic for maximum feels: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0YGA02zx8sIxMTFEhBreSO

Shoma wakes up feeling like he’s floating on a cloud. Everything feels warm and a smile tugs at the corners of his lips as he feels someone snuggle closer to him. His eyes flutter open to see Yuzuru nuzzling against his neck. He glances at the clock. It’s only four in the morning. There’s still time before Yuzuru has to leave for morning gala practice. Shoma wants to savor every minute.

He runs his fingers through Yuzuru’s hair, lightly scratching his scalp. Yuzuru hums sleepily and presses tiny kisses against Shoma’s neck. “Mm, that feels good.”

“Yeah?” Shoma tugs a little harder. Yuzuru moans, softly, arching up and baring his neck for Shoma to bite.

In the next instant, Yuzuru is over him. Shoma’s wide awake now. His blood pumps hotly through his veins as Yuzuru looks down at him through sleep-mussed bangs. His eyes are _dark_. Shoma’s mouth goes dry at the intensity in Yuzuru’s eyes. Then, Yuzuru leans down to start sticking bruises against Shoma’s neck. He licks just beneath Shoma’s ear, eliciting an almost desperate whimper from Shoma. A sharp jolt of pleasure shoots all the way down to Shoma’s toes. “Oh, fuck, Yuzu!”

Yuzuru smirks as he descends lower. He looks like a predator, absolutely lethal as he crawls down Shoma’s body, making a show out of it as he deliberately drags his tongue down Shoma’s abdomen, dipping into his belly button. Shoma bites down on a pillow to prevent a scream as Yuzuru goes down on him. Yuzuru sucks harshly before relenting, pulling back to place soft kisses against Shoma’s thighs. 

Shoma’s so delirious with pleasure that he’s only vaguely aware of the sound of Yuzuru popping open the lube. He jerks when a lubed finger breaches him. Yuzuru goes slow, whether it’s to make sure Shoma is comfortable or to tease him, Shoma’s unsure. It could be a good mixture of both. Then, finally, Yuzuru curls his fingers _just right._ Shoma’s body spasms as Yuzuru gets his mouth back on him again. It’s so hot, so good, and his fingers touch him in all the right places. Shoma is tired and Yuzuru is always so much. “Yuzu, I’m gonna—“ Shoma stiffens, giving a small cry as he comes. 

Yuzuru swallows, then lifts his head to wipe at his plush lips. He removes his fingers carefully, before leaning up to kiss Shoma, tenderly. “Good?”

“Good. So good.” Shoma slurs, completely blissed out.

Yuzuru laughs, high and sweet, before flopping dramatically on top of Shoma. Shoma grunts, his arms automatically coming up to wrap around Yuzuru’s small frame. “How do you feel?” Shoma asks, carding his fingers through Yuzuru’s hair.

“Happy. I feel warm.” Yuzuru smiles, his eyes turning into soft crescents. “I feel whole. You?”

“I feel alive.”

“I’m glad.”

Yuzuru kisses Shoma once more before slipping out of bed. Shoma arches his brow as he watches Yuzuru walk to the bathroom. Yuzuru throws an innocent look over his shoulder, “you coming?”

Shoma throws the sheets off and follows Yuzuru into the bathroom. The bathtub isn’t all that large, so fitting the two of them comfortably is a bit of a challenge. In the end, they give up and opt for a shower instead. They take their time as they wash each other. Shoma uses his thumbs to knead out all the kinks and knots in Yuzuru’s back, then uses his fingers to map out every little freckle and bruise on Yuzuru’s skin. Shoma considers it a privilege to be able to touch Yuzuru like this, so freely. To have Yuzuru lean back into is touches, reacting naturally. And to think, they could have had this sooner if Shoma had just had the courage to reach out. But perhaps it’s better this way, sweeter after going so long without it. It makes this all the more precious.

After their shower, they towel off and get dressed. Shoma is back in his robes and Yuzuru is dressed in a soft, long-sleeved sweater. His cheeks are flushed a light pink, his eyes are alight with stars, and his skin is pretty and dewey. Shoma feels a heavy weight settle on his chest. Yuzuru is so lovely. Shoma wants to keep him forever. Yuzuru must feel the weight of Shoma’s stare because he turns to him, tilting his head inquisitively. Shoma just smiles, holds out his hand for Yuzuru to take. “Just thinking about how much I love you.”

Blush spreads across Yuzuru’s cheeks all the way to the tips of his cute ears. “Yeah?”

“I love you so much, Yuzu.”

“I love you, too.”

As they lean in for a kiss, Shoma feels a sharp but familiar tug in his gut. He winces. Yuzuru frowns. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. It’s nothing. I’m fine.”

“Sho…”

Shoma grimaces at another insistent tug. He grits his teeth, trying to stop himself from growling. Why the fuck are they trying to call him back now? He’s currently in the middle of something. Anything else can wait. Yuzuru is here and—“Shit.” Shoma stumbles back.

“Shoma!” Yuzuru grabs Shoma’s shoulders. “Hey, what’s wrong? Talk to me.”

“I’m sorry, Yuzu.”

“Sorry? Wha—“ Yuzuru goes from confused to terrified as Shoma starts shimmering. “Wait, no! No! Not now! Please, not now!”

“Shh, Yuzu. It’s okay.”

“No! I just got you back. I won’t lose you again!” Yuzuru clings onto him desperately. “You said you’d stay. Please, don’t go!”

Shoma wants to say something, anything to assuage Yuzuru’s fear that slamming into him in waves. He wants to reassure him that this isn’t a goodbye. This isn’t what he thinks. But he can’t. Or rather, he doesn’t get the chance to because in the next second, he’s harshly torn away.

 

* * *

 

Shoma charges at Tatsuki the moment he lands in his office. He’s ready to strangle the bastard for taking him away from Yuzuru like that. Daisuke is quick to grab him to hold back. Shoma struggles against him. “Hey! Shoma, calm down!”

“Why did you do that?” Shoma snarls. “What the fuck? Yuzuru is not going to understand! He’s going to think I’ve abandoned him again!”

Tatsuki remains infuriatingly calm as he sits at his desk, completely poised as always. Shoma huffs, yanking is arms out of Daisuke’s hold. “Fuck this. I’m going back.”

“You don’t have to worry about your human. He’s perfectly fine. You didn’t leave him behind.” Tatsuki nods behind Shoma with amusement shining in his eyes.

Shoma turns to the back of the room. There, pressed against the wall, is Yuzuru. He’s staring all around the room, looking like a scared animal ready to bolt. Shoma sighs in relief.

“Holy shit!” Yuzuru starts touching his face, patting himself down. “Am I dead?”

“No!” Shoma says, quickly before turning sharply to Tatsuki and Daisuke. “He’s not dead, right?”

“No, he’s not dead. Obviously.”

“How is he here if he’s not dead?” 

“Um…hello? _He_ is right here. What is going on?” Yuzuru crosses his arms, looking more annoyed than scared now.

Daisuke plops himself down on Tatsuki’s desk, looking much too pleased. Shoma stares at him stoically. “We called you here because we finally have answers! Or well, we technically called _one_ of you here but I guess you both _are_ the one.”

Shoma raises a brow. “I’m sorry, what?”

“Sit down and we’ll talk about it.” Tatsuki gestures to the chairs in front of his desk. 

Yuzuru looks at Shoma for the ‘OK.’ Shoma nods and the two of them take their seats. Daisuke is still bouncing happily. He looks giddy. If Shoma wasn’t in such a grumpy mood, he’d find it amusing. As it stands, he’s _so_ not in the mood. 

“First, welcome to the Afterlife, Yuzuru. Lovely to see you again.” Tatsuki flashes a quick smile. “I’m sure you have many questions.”

“You can’t even begin to imagine.”

“It’s so great to meet you finally!” Daisuke reaches out to shake Yuzuru’s hand, enthusiastically. “I’ve only seen you from a distance but it’s nice to be able to talk to you like this.”

“Umm…likewise, I guess?”

“Great, glad everyone’s properly met each other,” Shoma grumbles, “can we please get back to talking about the matter at hand?”

“Well, you wanted to know who caused all of this in the first place. The one to thank for this train-wreck,” Tatsuki flips through his notes, “you can thank our Dear Yuzuru for that.”

“Huh? Me?” Yuzuru blinks in surprise. “What did I do?”

“You see, humans are special creatures. They are gifted with something called ‘free will.’ It’s fascinating to us Spirits to observe you as you go through your days, choosing what you will with this freedom.”

“Okay…”

“It’s such a huge responsibility to carry. There’s always consequences for one’s actions, actions that can take place in the blink of an eye. Even the smallest of choices have an impact in some way.” Tatsuki glances at Yuzuru. “Then, there are choices that completely alter the course of Fate itself. Like you, Yuzuru.”

“I…altered the course of Fate?” Yuzuru asks, slowly. He looks at Shoma who’s looking at Tatsuki’s intensely. Yuzuru takes Shoma’s hand in his, giving it a small squeeze. 

Tatsuki rests his chin in the palm of his hand, as he leans casually against his desk. “Tell me, what do you know about soulmates?” He asks, nonchalantly.

Shoma feels relief wash through Yuzuru but he’s not so convinced just yet. His eyes narrow, “We can’t be soulmates. That’s impossible.”

“True, you aren’t.”

Yuzuru looks confused again. “Then, what do you mean?”

“This is something similar but so much more than that. Something that the Higher Ups got rid of a long time ago during the early days of man. You’ve heard the story about how man was originally created with two heads, four legs , and four arms, right?”

Yuzuru nods, slowly.

“Then you know that man was then split in half because they were considered a threat to the Heavens. You see, when that happened, a single soul was split into two beings. The Higher Ups thought this would prevent humans from ever reaching Their level, reduce their power somehow. Unfortunately, it backfired. Despite the separation, humans grew _more_ powerful by accumulating twice as much experience and wisdom.Separation didn’t matter because a shared soul remains just as such no matter what. So, from then on, man was given a single soul each so they could no longer rise above. Until now.”

“What exactly are you trying to say?” Shoma asks, tiredly. “Can we stop with being cryptic and just tell us what this is about? What does that have to do with us?”

Daisuke waves his hand, flippantly. “You’re taking away from the drama, little Shoma. Let us live a little! This is exciting for us!”

“We have been caught in this ‘train-wreck,’ as you called it, for twenty-three years! Drop the drama and just tell us what’s going on.”

Yuzuru elbows Shoma. “Hey, calm down. We’re together now. That’s all that matters.”

Shoma sighs, relenting as he meets Yuzuru’s eyes. Immediately, he relaxes, lets the annoyance pass. It hasn’t even been that long since their coupling and Shoma’s already whipped.

“You aren’t soulmates because those are generally cut from the same cloth, made of the same essence. It’s what draws them together. Soulmates come in many forms and one can have many. However, what you are is something different, something _more_.” Tatsuki flips the book around to show them, tapping the page. “It’s something called a Twin Flame.”

“What is that?”

“I told you the story. It’s as I said. Man was split in two.” Tatsuki holds up two fingers before separating them. “Literally, a soul was split in half. I had my doubts about it because it couldn’t be true. Such a thing hasn’t existed in a long time, but when I look at the facts, I realize that perhaps it could be a possibility.”

“How did this happen? How does something impossible like this happen?”

“I mentioned that Yuzuru was the start of this. You see, twenty-three years ago, when you went to retrieve Yuzuru’s soul, something strange happened. Something you could consider a miracle.”

Shoma freezes, his heart beating wildly in his chest. His fingers tighten around Yuzuru’s as realization dawns on him. “Tatsuki…”

Tatsuki turns to Yuzuru, “All souls are bound to the Afterlife through a Reaper and Guardian. You weremeant to be Collected at birth. So, your only connection to the Afterlife was through Shoma. The Afterlife is considered the home for souls. You didn’t fight Shoma off when he tried to take you like we originally thought. Quite the opposite really. You gave it to him.”

“I-I did?” Yuzuru squeaks. “How? What does that even mean?”

“Shoma couldn’t take your soul to the Afterlife because you didn’t surrender yourself to Fate. You diverged and chose him. You gave half your soul to Shoma, a soulless vessel.”

Shoma’s head is spinning. Everything is all too much yet he also can’t help but feel the slightest bit pleased because Yuzuru _chose_ him. From the very beginning, Yuzuru had chosen Shoma. Instead of succumbing to Fate, he’d decided that wasn’t good enough for him and picked a different route instead.

“Free will is an amazing thing. What you choose to do with it makes all the difference. This is what you’ve done with yours, Yuzuru.”

“It’s so strange now that you mention it,” Yuzuru says, thoughtfully, “when I was younger, I used to have these dreams about being touched by this light. I remember it so vividly. It was like embracing the sun. I wanted to keep it or maybe go with it.”

“It also explains the sudden shift in your own nature, Shoma,” Daisuke continues, “it’s why you could make the choices you did. You chose to watch over Yuzuru. You chose to be a part of his life even when you knew you shouldn’t. You loved him and chose to express that. You did all this with the free will you were granted by an infant that gave you a part of his human soul.”

Shoma touches his chest briefly, before reaching over to touch Yuzuru’s, holding it there. “So, you’re mine? You’re really truly mine?” 

“Yes, and you’re mine.” 

Shoma smiles, feeling like he’s won some grand prize. Tatsuki grunts, pulling them out of their moment. “You should know that I had a long, lengthy discussion with the Higher Ups.”

“They were determined to keep you both apart,” Daisuke crosses his arms, “but Tatsuki fought for you. Did what he could to convince Them otherwise. It wasn’t easy.”

“And?” 

“I reasoned with Them that trying to separate you two would be the biggest mistake They could possibly make. After all, given the combined stubbornness of you both, it’s inevitable that you’d eventually find your way back to each other. Even if it means defying the laws of nature itself. 

“Which you have, by the way,” Daisuke says, “I’m pretty certain at this point we’re broken pretty much all of our rules.”

Tatsuki rolls his eyes, “All of you give me a headache but the Higher Ups agreed that it’d be better to keep you both happy, to prevent any more acts of defiance. In any case, if you were kept together, it would make it much easier to monitor you. They absolutely lost it when Yuzuru went off the grid. A soul that powerful can’t just go unmonitored. So, to avoid risks, They decided to compromise.”

“So, what are you saying?” Shoma asks, carefully.

“We’re saying that you and Yuzuru cannot and will not be separated. In this lifetime or the next.”

Daisuke grins. “Truthfully, this is all just to make sure Yuzuru doesn’t do something else that breaks the laws of the universe. But it works rather well in your favor, I think.”

Shoma suddenly feels the weight of his entire existence start to press in on him. For centuries, he’d served faithfully under the Higher Ups, catering to the souls of the dead. It was to be his role for how ever long They chose to have him. Yet, here he is once again, with everything he knows completely destroyed by an impossible human being.

“What is that?” Yuzuru draws his attention to the black leather book Tatsuki is holding. It’s dusty, completely unused until now but he knows what it is.

“Now, we get to the business matters. Part two of the compromise,” Tatsuki opens the book, “Reaper Shoma Uno, you have served under the Higher Ups for the past millennia…”

Shoma feels a strange sensation in his chest. It’s a mild burning sensation, an uncomfortable itch. 

“You are hereby charged for your actions against the Higher Ups and for breaking your oath to serve Them and only Them…”

“Wait, hold on,” Yuzuru tries to interject, “what is happening? Actions against the Higher ups? Breaking his oath? Shoma, what’s going on?” 

Tatsuki continues on, ignoring Yuzuru as he strips Shoma of his status. It’s painful but Shoma tries to concentrate on Yuzuru’s hand in his. 

“You have defied the laws of the universe established since the beginning of time, revealed yourself to a human, interfered with Fate…”

“No, no he didn’t. It was me!” Yuzuru says, frantically. “I did it! Whatever you’re doing to him, please stop!”

It occurs to Shoma then that Yuzuru can very well feel his pain just as clearly as Shoma can feel his. He leans forward, pulling Yuzuru to him to press their foreheads together, giving them both something to ground themselves. Yuzuru starts shaking, so Shoma tilts his head to kiss him. Soft and slow, a silent reassurance. Yuzuru grips onto the front of his robes, keeping Shoma close.

When they break apart, Yuzuru is sobbing. “I-I ruined—“ Shoma cuts him off with another kiss.

“Shh, love. Don’t cry. It’s okay. It’ll be okay.” Shoma wipes Yuzuru’s tears away with his thumbs, “I _chose_ you. You haven’t ruined anything.”

“Shoma Uno, do you accept these charged brought against you?” The authority in Tatsuki’s voice demands their attention.

“I do.” Shoma says, calmly even as Yuzuru continues to shake his head in denial. Their emotions are coiled so tightly together, bouncing off against each other and amplifying everything. It’s overwhelming but Shoma’s determined to get used to it.

“You are hereby stripped of your Reaper status and banished from the Afterlife. You may never return as a Reaper again for the rest of eternity.”

“No!” Yuzuru screams. “Stop!”

Tatsuki closes the book and looks at them both. In contrast to the harsh words, his gaze is kind. “It is done.”

Suddenly, there’s fireworks going off. Blinding white light flashes behind Shoma’s eyelids. Searing heat cuts through his body for a few moments before everything goes deathly silent and still. 

Then, Shoma is falling.

* * *

 

_So, do you think it was worth it?_

 

_“Do you have a name for him?”_

_The mother and father look at each other for a moment before nodding. The father moves to carefully caress the baby’s wispy black hair. “Yuzuru. Yuzuru Hanyu.”_

 

 

_“Pooh!”_

_“Hello, Sir Pooh. My name is Shoma. It’s very nice to meet you.” Shoma smiles and shakes the furry paw._

_Yuzuru giggles. He’s an absolutely delightful, joyful child and Shoma can’t help the fondness he feels. “Shoom! Shoom!”_

 

_“My name is Shoma. Can you say Shoma?”_

_“Shoom!”_

_Shoma laughs, “No, no. Shoma. Sho-ma!”_

_“Shoom!”_

_Shoma sighs in defeat and rests his head against the edge of the playpen. “Okay, fine, I’m Shoom.”_

 

 

_“You here.”_

_“Yes, yes I’m here.” Shoma whispers._

_“Miss you. Miss Shoom.”_

 

_“I’m not going to leave you.”_

_“You promise?” Yuzuru untangles his arm from the sheets to hold out his pinkie. It’s such a childish thing but it holds so, so much and Shoma feels his lungs turn to lead._

_“I promise.”_

 

 

_“Skating makes me feel like I’m flying. It’s a wonderful feeling.” Yuzuru says, wistfully. “Can you fly?”_

_Shoma shakes his head. “No. Definitely not.”_

_“I always thought angles could fly. I mean, they’re always depicted with these great, big white wings. I guess that’s just a myth, huh?”_

_“Huh?”_

_“That’s what you are, right? Like a Guardian Angel or something?”_

_“Something like that…” Shoma mutters._

_Yuzuru visibly perks up. “Are you mine?”_

_“Yes.”_

 

 

 

_“Do you not to get to keep your memories?” Yuzuru gives up on trying to close his suitcase and sits on top of it._

_“No. Once you pass over, your memories get left behind.”_

 

_“So, when the time comes for me, I won’t remember you?” Yuzuru asks, quietly._

_Shoma’s throat clicks as he swallows. “No.”_

_“Well, that sucks!” Yuzuru pouts, blowing a strand of hair out of his eyes. “What if I_ want _to remember you?”_

_“Knowing you, you’d probably become the first soul that can retain memories.” Shoma rolls his eyes._

_“Because I’m special!” Yuzuru puffs his chest proudly._

_“A nightmare is more like it.”_

_“You’re a mean angel. I thought angels were supposed to be nice?” Yuzuru throws a pillow at Shoma’s head, which he catches with ease._

 

_“Even if you’re a little mean, I don’t ever want to forget you, Shoma.” Yuzuru whispers so quietly Shoma’s barely able to pick up the question he asks next, “will you remember me?”_

_Always. As if I could ever forget you._

 

 

 

_“Do Guardian angels even have a choice?” Yuzuru asks, curious now._

_“No. I suppose we don’t.”_

 

_“Oh…” Yuzuru sucks in his bottom lip briefly before releasing it. “Well, if you were given a choice…would you…choose me?”_

_Shoma’s mouth works faster than his brain. He can’t stop the words that flow freely, “I’d choose you every single time.”_

 

 

_“You’ll stay with me until the end, right?”_

_“Of course.”_

_“And even after that? You’ll still stay with me?” Yuzuru holds out his fist._

_“Always.”_

 

 

_“I’m here!” Shoma screams. “Yuzuru, I’m here!”_

_Yuzuru doesn’t hear him. He keeps calling for Shoma, crying as he lies on that cold ice for far too fucking long. Why isn’t anyone helping him? Where is Brian? Where the hell is the medical team? Shoma will take anyone. Anyone that can save him. He just needs Yuzuru off that ice. He needs Yuzuru safe._

_Shoma gets up, runs forward, and tries slamming his whole body against the invisible wall. “Please! Let me through! He needs me! Let me go! LET ME GO!”_

 

_“Hurt me instead! I’ll take it all! Just leave him alone! I was the selfish one! I was the one who didn’t obey the rules! I was the one who fucked up! Punish me! It’s me you want! Not him.”_

_The cracks spread further._

 

_“…please don’t hurt him anymore. Let him live.”_

_The wall shatters like glass._

 

 

 

_He leans down to rest his forehead against Yuzuru’s, as he whispers in a voice so heart achingly tender. “You are my dearest friend, my home, my heart, and all that I care for in this world. An existence without you is one I never want to know even if I’m not by your side. Knowing you’re alive and well is enough for me. So,_ live, _Yuzuru.”_

 

_Shoma moves to press a light kiss to the crown of Yuzuru’s head. “Know that you are so loved, Yuzuru. I’ll be watching over you. Always and forever.”_

 

 

 

_“I have been fighting to keep you close since birth! I’ve wanted and ached for you! I could have been yours!”_

_“You don’t know that! It’s not possible—“_

_“Don’t tell me what’s possible or impossible! You said it yourself. No one knows what all of this means. So how can you possibly know for sure? Because I can tell you that despite all you’re telling me about how wrong this is, nothing has ever felt more right than you being next to me._ Nothing _has ever made me feel safe and more complete than you. So, tell me, how can this be wrong?”_

 

_And then Yuzuru is surging forward, pressing his lips to Shoma’s. Shoma gasps as Yuzuru pushes against him. He whimpers as Yuzuru kisses harder, nipping and tugging with his teeth. He moans as Yuzuru’s hand comes up to cradle the back of his neck, his fingers tangling in Shoma’s hair. Shoma has half a mind to kiss back with just as much force and desperation but he never gets the chance because Yuzuru is already pulling away._

 

_“I just wanted you to have the world like you deserve.”_

_Yuzuru’s hand falls away, going limp at his sides as he takes a step back. Gone is the fire in his eyes. Now there’s just profound sadness. “You wanted me to have the world but I wanted you to be a part of it, Shoma.”_

_“Yuzu—“_

_“I was in love with you, Shoma. I loved you like I never loved anyone else. I couldn’t love Javi because I still clung to naive hope that you’d return.”_

_“I—“_

_“But now,” Yuzuru’s eyes turn dull, lifeless. It sends a chill down Shoma’s spine. He’s never seen this look before, “now, you can fuck off.”_

 

_Just as he’s about to let the shadows take him, he sees Yuzuru fall to his knees, clutching painfully at his chest._

_And then Shoma feels like he’s being torn in half._

 

 

_“As you know, I’m a Reaper. My duty is to cater to the dead. When a soul is ready to leave this realm, I take them and carry them over to the Afterlife. I told you before that I don’t really remember my beginning. I still don’t. I’ve been doing this for what feels like forever. I never felt lost or burdened, though. I went on with my duties with no real special feelings attached to it. I’d feel the occasional sadness of a soul but that’s about it. That was normal. I was normal.”_

_Yuzuru’s gaze turns cold at the word. Shoma shakes his head. “You have to understand, Yuzuru, that being a Reaper was all I knew. It’s the purpose for my existence. Maybe I was human before but I’m not now. I exist to serve the Higher Ups and fulfill my duties. That’s how it’s always been. But then twenty-three years ago, I touched you.”_

_Shoma moves towards Yuzuru, stopping a distance away. He lifts a hand to hover his fingers over Yuzuru’s cheek for a second before dropping it. “I touched you and nothing made sense anymore. Everything I thought I knew was destroyed, burned to ashes. All I knew was you. All I wanted was to be around you, with you, a part of you but I knew I couldn’t ever have that.”_

_“You could’ve tried. I always reached out to you but you always shut me out. All I felt was this horrible coldness inside.”_

_“I’m sorry.” Shoma says, softly. “I’m sorry for putting you through that. I never should have shut you out. I thought I was doing you a favor by staying away but all I did was hurt you.”_

_“It hurt so much.” A tear slides down Yuzuru’s cheek. “Even when I cut you off myself, it hurt more than anything I have ever done. It felt like I ripped myself in half. I tried so hard to let you go and move on, but I couldn’t. Even as I stood on that podium with my Olympic medal,” Shoma follows Yuzuru’s eyes to the gold medal laying on the nightstand, “all I could think about that night was you and how much I wanted you to be a part of it.”_

_Shoma’s throat clicks as he swallows. “Even after everything? Even though I hurt you, you still wanted me?”_

  _“Yes, I did.” Yuzuru lifts his gaze to meet Shoma’s. His eyes are dark, smoldering coals. “I do.”_

 

 

_“Do you…” Yuzuru licks his lips and Shoma follows the moment, a startling hunger beginning to stir in his gut, “do you want me?”_

_“Yes.” The reply is instant and it makes Yuzuru smile. “But, Yuzu, I don’t know how this is going to work. I mean, I can’t touch you. I don’t—“_

_“It’s quite simple, actually. If you stop focusing on the things you can’t do.”_

_“It’s not possible, Yuzuru, I can’t—“ Yuzuru cuts him off with three, short successive kisses._

_“I don’t want to talk about what’s possible or impossible anymore. It’s a matter of want.” Yuzuru drags his thumbs across Shoma’s bottom lip in a way that makes his heart flutter. “Do you want to touch me, Shoma?”_

_“Yes,” Shoma whispers, breathlessly._

_“Then touch me.”_

 

 

_“You okay?” Yuzuru asks, his voice hoarse._

_“Shouldn’t I be asking you that?” He leans down to nuzzle their noses together. Shoma kisses the tip of Yuzuru’s nose for extra measure. “I’m okay. Just—“_

_“Overwhelmed?”_

_“Yeah, a bit.”_

_“Do we need to stop?”_

_Shoma shakes his head.”No. I just need some time. Is that okay?”_

_Yuzuru nods his reassurance._

 

_“Thank you.” Yuzuru whispers._

_Shoma tilts his head. “For what?”_

_“For this.”_

_Yuzuru shifts his hips a little, evoking a low moan from Shoma. His vision blurs a little as he starts a slow, easy, rhythm. It feels like a dream to be here, feeling Yuzuru clenching around him, taking every inch of him. Shoma drops his head, hips stuttering as his emotions start spilling over. It’s too much. Yuzuru shushes him, brushing his fingers through Shoma’s hair, soothingly. “You okay? You still with me?”_

_“Always,” Shoma pants, lifting up to kiss Yuzuru’s forehead. “Always with you.”_

_“Good.”_

 

 “Shoma, I’m here! I won’t let you go!”

Yuzuru’s soul wraps around him, embraces him and fills him. All he can feel is _Yuzuru_. 

_Well, was is worth it?_

This is all he's ever wanted. 

_Yes._

* * *

 Darkness soon gives away to light. Shoma’s legs give out from beneath him. He still can’t see much. Everything is a little blurry. It’s hard to wrap his mind around what just happened. The only thing circulating through his mind is that he’s been cast away. He’s been banished from the Afterlife and stripped of his power, such an integral part of himself for so long. Immediately, the panic builds up inside. It feels like being caught in a storm, being pulled in all different directions, leaving him completely disoriented. There are questions going off in his head, wondering why he’d been abandoned like this. Where is he? What is going on? How did this happen? He shouldn’t be here. He should be with other Spirits. Where—

_“Shoma, I’m here!”_

Yuzuru’s voice manages to reach him through his panic. There are fingers touching all over his face. “Yuzuru…”

“Breathe, Shoma, breathe.”

Shoma forces himself to breathe. Taking, deep, steading breaths with Yuzuru. Slowly, he starts to calm down. The panic eases and is replaced by Yuzuru’s calm and reassurance. As the panic ebbs away, Yuzuru’s gorgeous face comes into focus. “Yuzu?”

Yuzuru nods.

“Where are we?”

“Back in my room,” Yuzuru wraps his arms around him, “you— _we_ sort of fell.”

Shoma’s brain is still trying to catch up. He looks around the neat hotel room, looks at Yuzuru’s medal on the coffee table, to the rumpled sheets on the bed, the light trickling in from the small opening in the curtains. Right, he’s been here before.

“All I wanted was you.”

The words are spoken against his mouth, a needless apology in them. Shoma knows where he belongs now. It’s where he’s belonged since the beginning.

Still overwhelmed, Shoma pulls Yuzuru against him and kisses him. A reminder that this is real. It feels somehow different now that Shoma isn’t a Spirit but a living being with a soul. He feels like his knees are going to give out again even though they’re already sitting. Yuzuru’s hands are all over him, stroking and searching.

Shoma goes along willingly as Yuzuru pushes him to the ground, moving to straddle his thighs. He feels safe in the comfort of Yuzuru’s embrace, entirely whole, complete. _I love you, I love you, I love you so much. I’m sorry,_ he hears as Yuzuru kisses all over his face. Then, he feels the guilt. Yuzuru lifts up, his eyes full of sadness and shame. Shoma shakes his head, reaching for him.

“Don’t, Yuzu. You don’t have to be sorry.” Shoma sits them up. He runs a hand soothingly up and down Yuzuru’s back. “You have nothing to be sorry for. I owe you more than I can say, Yuzuru.”

Yuzuru shakes his head and Shoma grabs his jaw to still him.

“You are everything I could possibly ever want. And I didn’t even know I was capable of wanting until you. So, thank you for giving me this.”

“I-I took you away from your home. You’ve been banished because of me. You’ll never go back. H-he said—“

You haven’t taken me away from my home. _You_ are my home, Yuzuru. You’ve given me everything.” Shoma brings their hands up to kiss Yuzuru’s knuckles, delicately. “You gave me a soul. You gave me a chance to _live_ again. So, don’t be sorry. I’m not at all.”

“But, you’ve been banished. They said you could never return—“

“As a Reaper,” Shoma chuckles as he nips at Yuzuru’s pouty lips, “our soul is human. We will return to the Afterlife together when it’s time.”

“Yes, little Shoma, that’s right.”

Both Shoma and Yuzuru jump. Yuzuru yelps, scrambling off of Shoma quickly, his face turning an interesting shade of red. Resting casually on the hotel bed, is Daisuke, looking as casual as ever. “As we promised, you will not be separated. Anywhere one goes, the other will follow. A happily ever after if I do say so myself.” Daisuke grins.

Shoma pats Yuzuru’s knee, “What are you doing here?”

“Would you believe me if I said I missed you?” Daisuke’s grin widens as Shoma scowls, “No? Well, then I guess you could say that I’m here on business orders.”

“Business orders?” Yuzuru shifts so that he’s sitting directly beside Shoma, their shoulders brushing. 

“Of course! A soul turned up in my book! Not a new one to you both, but new to the Afterlife. So, guess who gets a Guardian?”

“You’re kidding…” Shoma deadpans.

“Definitely not, little Shoma. You see, the Higher Ups voiced their concern of the chaos you both could potentially bring,” Daisuke inspects his nails, “and thought it’d be wise to have someone more polished and trained to keep watch over you.”

“You? They sent you?” 

“You should be glad! I’m very good at my job! And I have good standings with our Head Fate Keeper.”

Shoma rolls his eyes.

“Well, you have nothing to worry about from us,” Shoma stands and pulls Yuzuru up, so they can both bow their thanks to Daisuke, “we’ll stay out of trouble. No more rule breaking.”

“Yeah, about that,” Daisuke smiles sheepishly, “we’re still breaking about like a hundred more rules. Including tampering with the delicate balance of the universe and Fate. Pulling some strings, if you will.”

“Pulling strings?” Yuzuru’s grip tightens. 

“We weren’t going to just drop Shoma and let him find his way on his own. So, we…tampered with some things.”

Shoma’s eye twitches. “Some things?”

Daisuke waves him off, chuckling. “No need to worry about these things now. It’s not your burden to bear anymore. Everything falls on us now.”

“You’re not going to get in trouble are you?” Yuzuru asks, concerned. 

“We’ll be just fine. Times are changing, after all. The Higher Ups, I think, are starting to acknowledge that. Thanks to you both,” Daisuke winks, “rules are sometimes made to be broken for the good of others.”

“Thank you, Daisuke.” Shoma says, sincerely. “I hope you and Tatsuki can find happiness, too.”

Daisuke hums. “Perhaps one day. Until then, we’ll take great pleasure in looking after your own.”

“Speaking of pleasure,”Shoma leans in to nose at Yuzuru’s neck, “I think we were in the middle of something before…”

Yuzuru shivers. 

“I’ll take that as my cue to leave,” Daisuke flashes a cheeky smile, “make sure to give us a good show!”

Yuzuru squawks and Shoma takes off his shoe to throw at Daisuke. Daisuke cackles as he shimmers away, waving his fingers. Shoma scoffs, “he’s going to be a real pain in the ass. I can already tell. Why I _ever_ admired him is a mystery.”

Yuzuru giggles as he drags Shoma over to the bed. He sits him down at the edge of it before climbing onto of him. “Hm, maybe we should repay them for their help. Give them a good show after all.”

“You’re unbelievable!”

“But you love me.”

“I love you, yes.” Shoma grins, suddenly, moving to flip them over. Yuzuru yelps as his back hits the mattress, “you’re still a nightmare, though.”

Yuzuru tugs Shoma down, pressing their lips together. It doesn’t escalate very far because Yuzuru’s alarm goes off to get ready for practice. They both groan and Shoma rolls off of him. “Duty calls,” Yuzuru sits up, “looks like the shows going to have to wait.”

Shoma watches quietly as Yuzuru gets up to get ready for practice. Just as Yuzuru pulls on his shoes and opens the door to leave, he looks back at Shoma, holding his hand out. “You with me?”

Shoma takes it. 

“Always.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you would like to learn more about Twin Flames. Here are a couple of links: 
> 
> http://www.thelawofattraction.com/twin-flames/
> 
> https://www.elitedaily.com/life/twin-flame-energetic-equal-heres-tell-youve-found/1899291


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